Unsolicited Career Advice for… Jennifer Lopez

Written by Music, Unsolicited Career Advice

Wasn’t aware that Uncle Donnie had a hand in the movie business until I found this missive.  Of course, the “properties” he’s pushing probably explain why.  Still, wouldn’t it be cool to see J-Lo play Selena again? —RS

TO: Jennifer Lopez
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

J-Lo! It’s D-Skwatz. How are you, babe? How are the twins? No, not those twins—the babies! Ha! Mitzi sends her best to you and Mark. Speaking of the hubby, last time we saw you two (at Mottola‘s rooftop garden party), Mitzi offered to send him one of her crochet hoodies, if he’d send her your mailing address. I told her to just send it to your management, but she’s insistent. So if you get the chance, tell us where you live, or get Marc to give Mitzi a call. The hoody is really cozy in the winter.

Where have you been? I know motherhood takes a lot of work, but did you have to disappear? I know, there’s a red carpet here, an awards show there, but you haven’t been seen, you know, really professionally, in quite a while. Making yourself scarce certainly helps build a bit of mystique around you, but enough is enough. Besides, you’re a mystery like I’m a breakdancer. Boogaloo Skwatzenschitz I ain’t, honey (though I have been known to “bust a move,” as you say, when I hear that sax from “Get Right “).

So it’s time to relaunch J-Lo—you, your career, your brand, everything. The whole nueve yardas. I have a few ideas, as you might guess—I’m an idea guy. Here are mine for you:

  • Get back into movies. I have two really hot properties you’d be perfect for, The first is called The League of Zombie Entertainers. It’s 2025, and thanks to a strange lab experiment, Frank Sinatra, Patsy Cline, Jim Croce, and Selena are reanimated in space and sent back to Earth to fight crime. Their travel is facilitated by Cher, who we all know can move between the living and undead with ease. I’ve got Harry Connick lined up as Ol’ Blue Eyes, Faith Hill as Patsy Cline, Jason Lee as Croce, and you, I’ve got penciled in as Selena, naturally. Better act quickly, though; that little trollop Shakira wants in and my backers are getting antsy. Oh, and I’ve got Ben Affleck signed on to play Cher—that won’t be a problem, will it? The other film is a biopic—Rita Moreno: The Electric Company Years. Needless to say, lots of drugs and nudity. Big Oscar possibilities, though.
  • Hold an ass-off with Beyoncé. Here’s the deal—we rent out Madison Square Garden during the Puerto Rico Pride weekend and challenge Beyoncé to a trunk junk throwdown. See whose backside reigns supreme. We’ll sell it on pay-per-view, get Jay-Z and Marc involved. Maybe bring Gloria Estefan in. Could be an ass-shaking good time.
  • Write a children’s book. I have a ghost writer lined up for you—he’s great; wrote the novelizations for Space Chimps and 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story. He’s got three possible stories for you to choose from: 1) Fatso Batso (about a bat too large to fly, who loses weight with some products he sees on Oprah); 2) The Gray Wilderness (about a mosquito that gets lost in Don King’s hair), and 3) Wedgie, the Talking Cheesesteak, which is pretty self-explanatory.
  • Fake your death. Honestly, you’ve been gone so long, so far from the spotlight, I’m not sure people would much care. Oh, sure, there’d be mourning, but the usual sales uptick would probably be minimal. Unless, of course, we make it exciting. Say you were gunned down in a hotel room, possibly by your diminutive fan club chairperson. There’s possibility there. We could do that. Get back to me soon—we should move on this.

All the best,
Don