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World’s Worst Songs: Telly Savalas

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The best thing about writing World’s Worst Songs is when people disagree. I am under no illusions that my opinion in these matters is definitive, and I don’t mind being told when you think I’m wrong, or an ass. (I don’t even mind if you wish me injury or death, like the guy who said “go gargle razor blades, you imbecile.” which is my favorite reader comment in over nine years of writing online.)

Although I have been wrong before, I am pretty sure nobody is going to disagree with me on this one.

In 1971, the group Bread released “If,” the single loveliest thing in their catalog—the perfect meeting of singer, band, and song, it’s one of the essential hits of the 1970s. Such beauty was ripe for covering. All the crooners did it: Perry Como, Johnny Mathis, Andy Williams, Frank Sinatra, Jack Jones, Tom Jones. There were jazz versions by Herbie Mann, George Shearing, and Johnny Hartman. Even the Supremes and Four Tops did it on a collaboration album.

In 1974, Telly Savalas was a major television star thanks to his role as the bald-headed detective on Kojak. History does not record precisely who first thought it would be a good idea for him to make an album, but it may have been producer Snuff Garrett, best known in the 70s for guiding Cher’s solo career. Savalas himself was perplexed, writing in the liner notes to his first album, “People know that singing is not my bag . . . . I can only make mistakes by pretending to be a great singer.”

Or by making an album in the first place.

Telly contained covers of several familiar songs, any of which might be worthy of inclusion amongst the World’s Worst Songs, such as “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” and “Help Me Make it Through the Night.” And also “If,” which is indescribable.

I believe that video is the least sexy thing on the Internet right there.

Here’s the most amazing fact about the Savalas version of “If”—although it failed to chart in the United States, it was a #1 single in the UK, spending two weeks at the top in March 1975. That was enough to lead to a second album, which was not enough to lead to a third.

You’ll find them both filed next to Shatner.

J.A. Bartlett

Writer, raconteur, radio geek, beer snob. There's more of this pondwater at http://jabartlett.wordpress.com.

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  • Breadalbane

    I am going to disagree with you, but only because something possessing this much sheer entertainment value transcends notions of “good” or “bad”, let alone “worst”.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    It’s like a deep admiration of a truly rancid fart…so awful yet, my God, it’s remarkable.

  • ozarkmatt

    Who loves ya, baby?

  • ozarkmatt

    I really can’t stop looking at this. I’m with you DW. And that chick looks so familiar.

    I need to renew my Player’s Club membership.

  • whiteray

    Like a train wreck . . . but the girl’s blue eyes are worth the devastation.

  • mstgator

    “…it was a #1 single in the UK…”

    Further evidence that the British sense of humour is sometimes inexplicable to us Americans.

  • Guy Smiley

    Now this is more like it… I’ll consider this your apology to both Bob Seger and The Beatles.

    Of course. I have to wonder if the B-side, “Rubber Bands and Bits of String” (??), is honestly any better.

  • kingofgrief

    What can I say? It’s one of those things I take delight in but know better than to defend (cf. “Disco Duck”). I have that first album waiting to be digitized, and yes, I’m on the lookout for his second (gratuitously titled Who Loves Ya Baby?). As Universal Music no doubt holds the masters, I’m surprised there was never a compilation on, say, Hip-O Select.

    In other news, Johnny Hartman covered “If”? This I gotta hear…David Gates as interpreted by The Man Who Owns “Lush Life”®. I’d like to hear more of your thoughts on Bread, Jim. I feel they get too short a shrift in the grand scheme of pop history.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ Ted

    In 1977, I took a trip to England with my family to visit with my grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. While there, I was taken to Madame Tussauds (the place that has all those wax figures of famous people). And there was Telly in his Kojak outfit. But what made me laugh was the fact that the brilliant folks at the museum did a mash-up of his version of “If” with gunshots, tires screeching, and police sirens going off in the background, and then they faded in the Kojak theme. I hung out for 20 minutes so I could hear that recording to play over and over because I thought it was so funny. I had no idea that the song was #1 in the UK two years before that.