You guys, the new Bon Jovi single is one of the most unbelievably awesome things I have heard all year.
In the year 1992 AN (After Nirvana), just about every pop-metal band on the planet either went extinct or mutated in the face of The Grunge Age. Warrant, for example, tried to go all hard–remember Dog Eat Dog? Winger tried to pretend it had been a Serious Rock Band all along and released Pull. Skid Row hibernated for five years. Ronnie James Keel went country. And the guys in Bon Jovi, having been on the scene a bit longer than most of the rest, took the adult contemporary route, releasing ballad after nauseating, platinum-selling ballad. They scuffed up their production values a bit, cut their hair, and have managed to go on selling millions of albums around the globe even as Jani Lane muttered his way through countless Ripple-and-Ding-Dong breakfasts.
Now, I’ve never been a fan. But even I could tell that late-period Bon Jovi albums were missing something. Their songs were supposed to be dumb and basic and catchy, with just enough gloss to sound equally at home in your bitchin’ Camaro or your mom’s Toyota van. They weren’t supposed to have string quartets or be produced by Max Martin or have videos on TRL.
This fall will see the release of 100,000,000 Bon Jovi Fans Can’t Be Wrong, the most ridiculous boxed set I can remember–FOUR CDs of UNRELEASED Bon Jovi songs, plus a DVD. Yeah, let that sink in. Four discs of songs that didn’t make it on a Bon Jovi album. Break out the gold lamÃ©, motherfuckers!
So, the single. It’s called “Edge of a Broken Heart” and I guess it’s on some soundtrack or something. I don’t know. The point is, it rules. I guess they shouldn’t get full credit for going back to their roots, since this is a moldy oldie and not a new song, but whatever–all the key ingredients are here. Keyboards! Velveeta guitars! TalkBox-esque vocals! Big Ass Drums!
Take a deep breath. Do you smell that? It’s Aqua Net. I’m going to go peg my pants.