I believe the children are our future. I also believe my future in politics would’ve been cut tragically short on November 3 if Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson hadn’t returned all the children of Bootleg City to their parents in one piece yesterday. He was angry that he’d traveled all the way here from England to receive a 35,000-year-old flute, which, due to a clerical error of some sort, turned out to be only 35,000 seconds old. Unlike the children of Bootleg City, the flute was returned in several pieces, but only after being met with strong resistance from my skull.
I’m relieved, of course, that the children are back safe and sound — as is my official hagiographer, who was still working off his hangover a couple hours ago — but I can’t help but be disappointed in Mr. Anderson’s timing. Sorry to nitpick, but if you’re going to steal a town’s entire tween-and-under population in an election year, it makes more sense to return them the day after Halloween, right?
That way there are only a few days left until the election, the whole abduction can be blamed on a combination of evil spirits and a Sweet Tarts sugar high, and the incumbent mayor can look like a hero for never giving up hope that the children would be returned, even if, technically, he gave up hope a half hour after they disappeared. Besides, with 18 days left until the election, there are countless ways my opponents or random circumstance could force me to screw up again through no fault of my own.
Speaking of Halloween, I’ve picked up another celebrity endorsement! It’s a … well, it’s a puppet. A 12-year-old boy puppet named Spook House Dave, to be exact.
Look, I know he’s not exactly Miss Piggy, but he’s a sweet, funny kid, and besides, do you know how hard it is to even get Miss Piggy on the phone? She’s like the Oprah of felt-and-foam-based endorsements. Ain’t gonna happen, no matter how many strings I pull.
This week’s bootleg comes to you courtesy of Matthew Boles — it’s Motörhead performing at Pontushallen in LuleÁ¥, Sweden, on November 27, 2000. Fans of umlauts and “angel As,” this is your week! Typography fans who are still angry about Ikea changing its font from Futura to Verdana, this is your week too! And fans of frontmen who are even scarier than Ian Anderson at first sight, you can’t go wrong with Lemmy Kilmister. Just keep him away from the children of Bootleg City, please.
By the way, I’d like to dedicate Motörhead’s song “No Class” to my opponent Matt Wardlaw, who will no doubt dedicate “Shoot You in the Back” to me. (No surprise there.) I’d also like to dedicate “Over Your Shoulder” to my opponent Bob Marley, who’s run a truly inspirational campaign this fall, especially when you consider the fact that he’s dead. (Medicinal marijuana really can work some minor miracles, folks.) I’ll certainly be looking over my shoulder for him on election day.
I’m just kidding — he doesn’t stand a chance. (I would say “He’s a dead man,” but really, what’s the point?) I’m sure Mr. Wardlaw would like to dedicate “Killed by Death” to Mr. Marley, but that doesn’t sound very sportsmanlike, now does it?
As for our other opponent, David Byrne, he’s no doubt a fan of “Going to Brazil,” since that’s where his head’s been this entire campaign. Voters, do you really want a mayor who always thinks global, never local? After all, if you throw me out of office on November 3, you’ll be doing yourselves and the environment a disservice. I mean, why add to Bootleg City’s waste management problem when you can simply recycle?
We Are Motörhead
I’m So Bad (Baby I Don’t Care)
Over Your Shoulder
Shoot You in the Back
God Save the Queen
Born to Raise Hell
Going to Brazil
Killed by Death
Ace of Spades