“What will be my legacy?” It’s a question every politician has to answer.

Will we be remembered for fighting the good fight, or, like former New York congressman Eric Massa, fighting the tickle fight to end all tickle fights. Will we be remembered for standing behind our constituents even if we didn’t agree with their views, or, like California state senator Roy Ashburn, hiding behind our constituents by saying they wanted us to vote down gay-rights measures, particularly those intimidating constituents who tend to corner us in gay bars that just happen to be on the campaign trail.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my legacy the past few days, especially after the health scare I experienced on Monday when I sat on a rusty tack placed in the chair behind my desk. I scrambled to look up “do-it-yourself tetnis shot for dummies” on Google, but the next thing I knew, a doctor was standing over me and pointing to the spelling of “tetanus” in the dictionary.*

No, I don’t want to be remembered as a mayor who passed out after sitting on a tack. But if I’d died from septic shock and it turned out I’d been poisoned by a political enemy, that’d be kinda cool, I guess.

I also don’t want to be remembered for my own sex scandals, which didn’t involve sexual harassment of my aides, or closeted homosexuality and open self-loathing, but they were embarrassing nonetheless. I think it’s time we all moved on. Or maybe you already have moved on, in which case I’m reminding you of something I don’t want you thinking about, in which case I may need to look up “how to cure verbal diarea” before I pass out again.

Instead, kind citizens of Bootleg City, remember me for my charity work. And if that doesn’t ring a bell — I’m drawing a blank myself right now — remember me for my work as Charity in Bootleg City Little Theatre’s production of Sweet Charity, which broke box-office records, gender barriers, and my coccyx when I fell into the orchestra pit on closing night. (I’d prefer you not remember that last part.)

I also hope you’ll remember me for the way I stood up to the local media, especially that time when I challenged the Bootleg City Free Press to change its name since it’s not a free newspaper. Of course, if you put your three quarters in the box and take as many papers as you want, it is somewhat free — and I shall continue to perform such acts of defiance until that scandal sheet sees the error of its ways. Plus, I’m moving soon, so I need those extra papers for packing; printouts from the Free Press‘s free website just aren’t the same.

Remember me for the way I tried to bring boatloads of money to our fair city through a promotional tie-in with the new Robert Pattinson film Remember Me, now playing at a theater near you. On the other hand, don’t remember that I received a cease-and-desist order from the film’s distributor, Summit Entertainment, because of the fact that I never signed a contract with them or got their permission to promote the film, which means Bootleg City won’t be receiving even a dinghyload of money for its brown-nosing efforts, and young girls and their angry fathers will continue to despise me since Pattinson, who shot to fame in the first Twilight movie, won’t be making that highly anticipated visit to Bootleg City that I’ve been promising since last fall. However, girls, I will be hosting a DVD viewing party for The Twilight Saga: New Moon at my duplex on Saturday, March 20, so consider this your official invite!

Above all else, remember me smiling. And remember me thinking hard about important issues, or at least pretending to think about them when I was really thinking about food or women. Oh yeah, and remember me occasionally getting work done. But most importantly, remember why you elected me in the first place — remember me as handsome.

Moderately handsome, anyway. Hey, I’ll be the first to admit I’m no Jack Wagner — the former General Hospital star and current Bold and the Beautiful star, who also spent five years on the prime-time soap opera Melrose Place in the ’90s, is one handsome man! And if that weren’t enough, he can also sing and play guitar. Gentlemen, we’re lucky he doesn’t have a foreign accent, or no man in a ten-mile radius would ever be able to get a female’s attention again.

As many of you know, Wagner played at the wedding of Popdose.com editors Jeff Giles and Jason Hare last August, and at the reception the groom and groom joined the actor-singer for a rousing rendition of his big hit from the ’80s, “All I Need.” I couldn’t attend, but according to Roy Ashburn, it was magical.

Whatever happens during my second term in office, remember me as someone whose legacy was complete once he left this world, even if I did give you incomplete bootlegs with poor audio quality, like the one below. Jack Wagner’s “Remember Me Laughing: Rare Tracks 1985-1989” seems to consist of concert performances, talk-show performances, and General Hospital performances as well as demos, outtakes, and acoustic covers, but only die-hard fans will know for certain what’s what. I left out four tracks that either cut off early, started late, or abruptly became a different song altogether before cutting off early. I did, however, replace Wagner’s cover of James Taylor’s “Don’t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight” with a slightly better-sounding version that I found on a fan site. So, if nothing else, remember me for that random act of kindness.

Wish You Were Mine
Remember Me Laughing
I Miss You
(You’re The) Only One Who Knows [Live]
Weatherman Says [Live]
The Right Key
I’m in Love With You
One Life
Wonderful Tonight
Don’t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight
The Glimpse in Your Eyes
Straight to My Heart
All I Need [Live]
Baby Be Mine [Live]
Common Man [Live]
Your Security [Live]
I’m a Prisoner to Your Eyes [Live]
The Lights on Fountain Avenue [Live]
In the Middle of Nowhere [Live]

* If you’d like to learn more about tetanus and how the thought of it alone is powerful enough to incapacitate certain elected officials, visit your local library, where a local homeless person will be happy to fill you in before digressing into a conspiracy theory about deodorant. And if you’d like to play Tetris, which is a lot more fun than tetanus, drop by my office any time, especially if you’re Russian — it’d make for a great photo op! (Please bring your own camera.)

About the Author

Robert Cass

Robert Cass lives in Chicago. For Popdose he's written under the Sugar Water, Bootleg City, and Box Office Flashback banners and collaborated on the series 'Face Time with Jeff Giles and Mike Heyliger.

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