Greetings, Videots!

CAPTAIN VIDEO! has had a long, grueling trip to the 1980th Dimension this month, and to be perfectly frank, he’s a little tired. Rather than disappointing yon legions of loyal readers by totally punking out, however, I’ve reached into the archives for a video that is so totally, blindingly awful that it requires very little in the way of comment or explanation on my part. Witness:

Yes, it’s Bobby Brown! And not just any Bobby Brown, either! This is “Every Little Step” Bobby Brown!

“Every Little Step” actually starts off well enough. The stark white set contrasts nicely with the black outfits, and the overall effect provides a nice visual complement to the stark efficiency of Teddy Riley’s New Jack beats. Here we have some women in tight, skimpy outfits, which works in any video’s favor.

And then begins the descent into Stupidville.

It’s difficult to tell when one is looking at still photos from the video, but “Every Little Step” truly features some of the most horrible choreography of the era. As a singer, a songwriter, and human being, Bobby Brown has always made a pretty good dancer, so this routine has always been deeply puzzling.

The whole video is full of faces like this one. CAPTAIN VIDEO! forgot to mention that as a lip-syncher, Bobby Brown makes a pretty good dancer.

Nobody over the age of seven should ever wear anything with his name printed on any visible portion of it.

And here, ladies and gentlemen, the most flamboyantly gay segment in the entire history of R&B music video:

Yeah, he tries to come off tough later in the video, but after the red socks/biker shorts/suspenders incident, it isn’t very convincing, is it?

This shot comes from the “rap” portion of the video, specially inserted into the “radio mix” of the song in order to disguise the fact that it consists of one verse and one chorus, repeated for several minutes. How anyone listened to this without laughing is beyond the scope of CAPTAIN VIDEO!s ability to comprehend. In the rap, Bobby promises to “rock stupid rhymes” — likely one of the only promises he’s bothered to keep in his adult life — and finishes by reminding the listener that “My name is Bobby, not Uncle Sam.”

CAPTAIN VIDEO! would be remiss if he did not mention the fact that yes, once upon a time, Bobby Brown showed promise. Many of us believed this was the beginning of a long and interesting career. Why we thought this, exactly, CAPTAIN VIDEO! is presently unable to recall. Regardless, Bobby Brown’s fall from grace in the years since Don’t Be Cruel has been spectacular. It has certainly been more interesting than his music.

How’s that new album coming, Bob? Child support checks on time this month?

About the Author

Jeff Giles

Jeff Giles is the founder and editor-in-chief of Popdose and Dadnabbit, as well as an entertainment writer whose work can be seen at Rotten Tomatoes and a number of other sites. Hey, why not follow him at Twitter while you're at it?

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