Jon: Our frequent commenter “Elaine” is eager for us to objectify Hillary tonight. Are we “up” for it?

Ted: I’m game…

Jon: So, Mark Warner looks pretty good. I keep remembering the picture of him on the cover of the New York Times Magazine, which I think singlehandedly forced him out of the presidential race because he looked like a space alien.

Ted: I gotta say, he looks like a Vulcan … who’s also a motivational speaker (if that’s possible). (Pause) He is a Vulcan! His speech is called “The Race for the Future,” and we all know that in the future Zefram Cochrane develops the first Warp engine and the Vulcans are there after the first launch. I think Mark has been sent back in time by the Vulcans to push humanity toward the Star Trek future.

Jon: Well, I dunno … Warner’s got rounded ears. It’s been a looooong time since I could make a Star Trek reference, so I’m just gonna stick with “space alien.” You can get as specific as you like. I still think Warner will be president in 2016. Did you see those daughters of his? They look like future first-daughter material.

Ted: Chris Matthews is drunk. Keith Olbermann looks like he just did a line of coke before they went live.

Jon: Speaking of drunk, is there a dumber human being alive than Ed Rendell? What major Democrat in his right mind would dare say in public that his own nominee is “like Adlai Stevenson”?

Ted: I lived in Philly when Eddie was mayor, and he was really popular. But for him to make a comment like that probably resonates with 2% of the U.S. population. So, yeah, he probably was drunk.

Jon: Rachel Maddow is on fire this week, by the way. I’m pretty sure that if Rachel knocked on our door right now, she could get a really hot threesome out of my wife Gwen and me.

Ted: You’d be on the sidelines, my friend.

Jon: If we objectify one more woman in these blogs, I’m pretty sure Maxim is going to buy Popdose. Hey, wait a minute…that would probably be a good thing. Maybe we could finally get paid.

Ted: Yeah, so we should talk about our favorite hot lesbians…

Jon: You mean, like Hillary?

Ted: I said “hot lesbians.”

Jon: Gwen says no lesbian would be caught dead in that pantsuit Hillary’s wearing. Gwen is screaming in horror.

Ted: Look — Bill Clinton’s not a racist! He’s talking to a black guy.

Bill's talking down to black folks again.  Hillary's gonna cut his balls off...Jon: Gwen asked, “Is that Kwame Kilpatrick?” Hahahahaha. Like they’d let that guy in the state of Colorado right now… Gwen also says Villaraigosa (the mayor of L.A., sitting behind Bill) looks like the mayor of Tijuana who Mary-Louise Parker is fucking on Weeds. BTW, Gwen also says we’re cursing too much on these blogs, but she just said the word “fucking,” so fuck her.

Ted: Well, shucky darn! I think that show Weeds is just so frickin’ funny…

Hillary’s speech starts…

Ted: C’mon, Hillary! Say it! Yay! You said you support Obama … The Dems are united.

Jon: Yeah, right.

Ted: I feel the love!

Jon: “No way. No how. No McCain.” That’s got a statesmanlike ring to it…

Ted: There’s the bumper sticker…She’s gotta throw more red meat or else Rachel is going to explode with rage.

Jon: I heart Rachel when she explodes with rage.

Hillary talks about a cancer-stricken woman who wrote “Hillary” on her bald head…

Jon: If Hillary’s voters go 100% for Obama on Nov. 4, I’ll write her name on my bald head, too

Hillary: “To my sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits…”

Jon: Ack! Ack! Ack!

Hillary pays tribute to Stephanie Tubbs-Jones…

Jon: Hillary’s already said more nice things about her than she has about Obama.

Ted: “Bill and Stephanie and Lori and Kate and John and Henry and (whispering) Barack Obama”… Hey, is Hillary still running for president?

Jon: She still hasn’t said anything nice about him! Will she ever?

Ted: That remains to be seen…

Jon: I think Hillary needs to turn her question back on herself. Were you in this campaign just for yourself?

Ted: She’s saying nice things about Michelle, and about Joe Biden, but nothing about Barack.

Hillary: “With an agenda like that, it makes perfect sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities, because these days they’re awfully hard to tell apart!”

Jon: Go, Hillary, go!!! Money quote!!!! I’m getting a hard-on now … not from Hillary per se, but from the red meat! Fling it, girlfriend!

Ted: “I’m Hillary Clinton and I approve this message.”

Hillary quotes Harriet Tubman…

Jon: Wow. That is political gold!

Ted: She’s not passionate about Obama. She’s passionate about ideals.

Jon: You’re right. But even without the warmth toward Obama, all of a sudden I think she’s getting the job done (as all the talking heads have been saying all day).

The speech ends. On MSNBC, a coked-up-sounding Olbermann reels: “Grand slam. Out of the park, across the street…”

Ted: I thought I felt the love … but I think it was the beer. She got them fired up at the end, though.

Jon: In the end, it became the best speech I’ve ever heard her give, by a long shot. I think it will be forever be compared – and favorably – to Ted Kennedy’s 1980 speech. That second half was a barnburner – rousing in exactly the ways that make Republicans hate her with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, which is precisely why it’s best that she’s not the nominee here. I almost wish I was watching Fox to see the sheer red-faced hatred on the faces of Hannity and O’Reilly right now.

Ted: I’m watching Fox now. Mort Kondracke is stumbling to find something to say … Brit Hume: “Great speech for Hillary, not great for Obama.”

Jon: Brit Hume’s face is going to finish melting any day now. Maybe on Election Day.

Ted: You know, considering my comments about Hillary’s speech, I think I could get a job at Fox.

Jon: I think our comments actually reflect the quality of the speechwriting. The speech built and built, through our initial skepticism, into something extraordinary that we couldn’t deny. It’s a good metaphor for what she and Obama hope will happen with her supporters.

Ted: I think Obama has to thank Hillary by making her Secretary of State. Her grasp of foreign affairs is so impressive – her views on geopolitics are wonderfully detailed. When she was first lady, she did a world tour with Chelsea and her ability to charm foreign heads of state and “the people” was just electrifying. You take that charisma and combine it with her knowledge of foreign affairs, and you get a very effective Secretary of State – something we need nowadays.

Jon: That’s not gonna happen – well, you may be right if Hillary wants it to happen, but I think she might rather stay in the Senate.

Ted: Which means she either doesn’t want anything to do with an Obama administration, or feels she can better push his agenda from the Senate.

Jon: I believe the latter is the case, and I’m sure Hillary will get every bit of her Senate mojo back after this speech (and some fierce campaigning during the fall). Remember that if Obama and Biden get elected, the chairmanship of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee will suddenly be wide open, and while Hillary’s currently on Armed Services, it’s not hard to see her moving over and taking that job … Who knows how long it will last, but don’t you feel a big-ass poll bounce coming out of that speech?

Ted: I do feel the “Hillary bounce” will be strong.

Jon: The Obama campaign should run an ad across the Rust Belt for the next three months, featuring nothing but Hillary quotes from this speech. The script: “On that path to freedom, Harriet Tubman had one piece of advice: ‘If you hear the dogs, keep going. If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. If there’s shouting after you, keep going. Don’t ever stop. Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going!’ … Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hangs in the balance… Barack Obama is my candidate, and he must be our president.”

Ted: Unifying the party in a big, “We Are The World”-speech way was important for Hillary. Whether it was real, media hype, or McCain’s wish, the discord between Hillary and Obama needed to be put to rest, and Hillary showed that she’s not like her husband when it comes to belonging to a political party. That is to say, while Bill was/is a Democrat in name, his real devotion in the ’90 was to the “Bill Clinton Party” – which was part of the reason I grew to loathe him. Hillary, on the other hand, understands what’s at stake and isn’t about to be a spoiler in this race by tepidly supporting Obama — and by extension, the Democratic Party. Overall, I thought she did a very good job toward the end; she was very passionate, very motivated, and very much about winning the election. I’m just hoping her energy does what it’s supposed to do: put aside any lingering animosities among Democrats. From what I saw, I think it will.

Jon: Well, we’ll see how Bill manages. Will he feel our pain, or just be one? Tune in Wednesday night and find out!