It’s almost Halloween at our neighborhood Safeway:
Veteran Hostess consumers will recognize “Glo Balls” as cleverly transmuted Halloween versions of “Sno Balls,” which, if you aren’t familiar with them, consist of cream filling inside chocolate cake which has been covered with marshmallow and coconut. Like many Hostess desserts, they look mighty fine if you’re running on an empty stomach and jonesing for some quick energy. Like all Hostess desserts, they are not mighty fine. Matter of fact, I happen to think Sno Balls are the absolute worst Hostess has to offer. They’re maybe 20% cake; you bite in expecting some marshmallow-topped chocolatey goodness, but all you get is a foamy mouthful of sugar.
I think most people know enough to stay away from Sno Balls, which is why they don’t come in a box and don’t have a mascot. Like Suzy Qs and Choc-O-Diles, they exist on the fringes of the Hostess universe, and are mostly found on dusty racks in interstate gas stations. They were probably discontinued fifteen years ago and just take so long to go bad that Hostess is still burning through warehouses full of product.
But oh ho, what have we here? Glo Balls. My wife and I had a debate in the store over whether or not they would actually glow. Neither of us thought they really would, but for different reasons. She pointed out that the box says “Glo” and not “Glow,” while I tend to think it has to be illegal to sell glowing food.
But I had to know for sure. I mean, hey, these things come with S’Cream Filling!
Regular Sno Balls are white (duh) or pink. I keep hoping they’ll come out with yellow ones, because that would be really fucking funny, and maybe they could talk Frank Zappa’s family into letting Hostess use “Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow” for a super-hip ad campaign. Anyway, Glo Balls are fluorescent orange. Witness the Glo Ball in all its foul glory:
In the picture, it appears to be glowing, but isn’t really. That’s just some righteous photography by yours truly. I held the Glo Ball up to a light source for a minute or two and hit the lights. Voila!
I’m somewhat saddened (but mostly quite relieved) to report that Glo Balls do not, in fact, actually glow. This does not make them safe to eat, however, something to which I can personally attest.
They don’t call it S’Cream Filling for nothing. Oof.