If there’s a theme to this mix, it comes from the movie title The
Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. The vanity projects of TV and movie stars sometimes have the sad side effect of charting on the Top 40. Sometimes, however, I think there really is a God, because there are times when we’re spared from hearing some of these songs on the radio or seeing the video â€” when MTV and VH1 were in the business of playing videos, that is.
Everybody buckled in? Okay, hang on, ’cause it’s going to be a bumpy ride!
Goldie Hawn, “A Hard Day’s Night”
The fact that George Martin actually asked Goldie Hawn to do this horrible cover makes me think he was just trying to find an excuse to be in the same room with her. This is so god-awful that it’s worth at least one listen. Plus, there’s a great introduction from when Goldie was on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.
Eddie Murphy, “Party All the Time”
If there was a “best of set” award for an artist in this mix, it would go to Eddie. Sure, the song is cheesy, but it has RICK JAMES! And that alone is worth a replay. This is a celebration, bitches!
Bruce Willis, “Respect Yourself”
The great thing about this Staple Singers cover by my favorite
Republican politically independent actor is that he knew that for his version to have legs he needed to bury himself in the mix and elevate the Pointer Sisters as the real singers. An album only a mother could love …
Jack Wagner, “All I Need”
I was never a fan of daytime soap operas, so I wasn’t aware of Wagner’s General Hospital past when this song was popular. But once he joined the cast of Melrose Place (a favorite nighttime soap of mine), I just wanted Jack to say to Heather Locklear’s character, “Hey, Amanda, you’re all I need.” If that had happened, I could’ve died happy.
Lindsay Lohan, “I Decide”
This could’ve been sung by Ashlee Simpson for all I know. After all, Lindsay’s breathy, Auto-Tune-adjusted vocals sound an awful lot like Ashlee’s â€” and that’s not saying much since she can’t really sing either.
Don Johnson, “Heartbeat”
Can you believe that this song reached #5? I guess it’s not as bad as some of the other crap that hits the charts, so I’ll cut Don some slack. It could’ve been worse, though â€” he could’ve covered a Beatles song.