Every week, it’s something new and exciting at the grocery store. This morning, I spied with my little eye two words I never want to see on a box of unrefrigerated food, ever again:

I’ll admit, back in my bachelor days, I often gazed with envy at boxes of Hamburger Helper-type dishes, with the pasta and the meat and the allegedly savory sauce, feeling lied to somehow. I knew that if I wanted to partake of the goodness within, it wasn’t as simple as the little grinning glove on the box wanted me to believe—I couldn’t just open the box, add water, and have myself a meal. No, I would have to buy some hamburger. And cook it myself. No thanks!

I’m older and wiser now. And very glad that nobody was making these horrifying boxed dinners with beef, chicken, or ham included a few years ago. Though I’m certain I would have tried them before, I don’t care how you preserve it, or how you package it—there is something very wrong with putting meat in a box and leaving it on a shelf.

Except tuna fish. Tuna fish is different. Don’t ask me why, it just is, and you know it.

I have also come to the conclusion that the Star Wars Episode III tie-in bonanza has gotten way out of hand:

Yeah, it’s Darth Chester Cheetah. But that isn’t all. These are SPECIAL Star Warsâ„¢ Cheetos. Why are they so special? They turn your tongue “Darth Vaderâ„¢ Dark” or “Yodaâ„¢ Green”!

Cheetos—corn puffs with cheese-flavored powder sprayed on—are terrible enough anyway. But these are corn puffs with cheese-flavored powder that turns your tongue black and green. That, my friends, is awful, and I want everyone to write George Lucas a letter telling him that he should be ashamed of himself.

My favorite part of the bag is where it tells you how to rid yourself of the lingering effects of Limited Edition Star Warsâ„¢ Cheetos:

I know it’s a poem, but you’d think everybody in marketing would know that “don’t worry” is a phrase you never want to put on a package of food you’re trying to sell.

Just like “ham included.”

About the Author

Jeff Giles

Jeff Giles is the founder and editor-in-chief of Popdose and Dadnabbit, as well as an entertainment writer whose work can be seen at Rotten Tomatoes and a number of other sites. Hey, why not follow him at Twitter while you're at it?

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