Day Eleven!Â Are you exhausted?Â We know we’re exhausted.Â But the Mellowmas show must go on.Â Stay strong, readers!Â And get yo’ groove on!
Freddie Jackson — Christmas Forever (download)
Jason: oooh YEAH!
Jeff: Oh wow.
Jason: Funk-ay! New Jack SWANG!
Jeff: See, this is what I think of when I think of terrible Christmas music. Happy Holidays from Casio!
Jason: This is terrible? I love this! I’m groovin’ in my chair!
Jeff: Everybody IS laughing, Freddie.
Jason: Every little step I take! You…will…be…there…Wait, this isn’t Bobby Brown?
Jeff: Mama’s making everyone’s favorite recipe!
Jason: Wow, she’s gonna be in the kitchen for a while!
Let’s stay together!
Jeff: I pray we never let Christmas slip away!
Jason: Oooh yeah, Jeff.
Jeff: Freddie is FEELING this.
Jason: So am I. Why did you choose this? Were you hoping for something similar to last year’s Keith Sweat incident?
Jeff: I suppose I was. You can’t get much better than “Joy to Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat has come.”
Jason: “Hark the herald Freddie Jackson sings” doesn’t have the same ring to it. And Freddie doesn’t seem to be sexing us up the way Keith was.
Jeff: Well, no, Freddie isn’t sexing us up quite that way, but he sure is trying hard. Freddie gets an A for effort.
Jason: You should see me right now. I’m doing the whitest dance imaginable.
Jeff: Well, hey, it’s the special day that makes the world feel as one. Why wouldn’t you?
Jason: He just slipped “Christ” in there somewhere. It was subtle. A subtle Jesus Christ mention. Boy, does he want to be Luther Vandross or what?
Jeff: How many Freddies did we get in that fadeout?
Jason: I think at least three.
Jeff: I picture him in his garage studio in Secaucus, frantically overdubbing all afternoon.
Jason: I really didn’t think that was so bad. You didn’t like it? I mean, it wasn’t a Christmas classic, but I enjoyed the groove.
Jeff: Well, no, not really. But mainly because it was so ordinary, not because there was anything really awful about it. I mean, Freddie can sing, and his heart is in the right place. And he doesn’t leer at us on the cover the way Keith Sweat did.
Jeff: Still, it kind of feels like he had a leftover groove that he never wrote lyrics for, and he maybe forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present.
Jason: Ha! That’s totally it, I bet. Wait a minute. I’m looking at some of Freddie’s other singles. “Tasty Love.”
Jeff: That’s disgusting.
Jason: “Can I Touch You.”
Jeff: Is he Keith Sweat’s alter ego?
Jason: “Rub Up Against You.”
Jeff: Goodness gracious.
Jason: Why couldn’t we get some of those sentiments in this Christmas song?
Jeff: I guess Freddie has class?
Jason: I mean, it would have been awful, but we would have had more to talk about, at least.
Jeff: On December 25th? I’m still holding out hope for a MILLIE Jackson Christmas album.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That would STINK! Literally. I’m pretty sure Millie Jackson doesn’t bathe.
Jeff: That’s Mellowmas giving! I’m going to send her an e-mail about recording next year’s theme song. “Back to the Mellowmas Shit.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: You hear that, Freddie Jackson?
Jason: Do you smell what Millie Jackson is…wearing?
Jeff: If you want to be part of next year’s celebration, let’s hear some of that nasty “Tasty Love” funk in your next holiday album.
Jason: Yeah, Freddie! Bring it! No more of this innocent New Jack Christmas bull!
Jeff: In closing, I would like to leave you, and everyone, with the following image.
Jason: Thanks a lot! What a terrible way to end today’s post!
Jeff: I am ordering you a Millie Jackson “Old Bitches Got It Going On” t-shirt. And her “Butt-A-Cize” CD single.
Jason: I was just about to do the same thing for you!
Jeff: Awwwwwww! Mellowmas really IS the most wonderful time of the year!
Jason: Actually, I was going to buy your mom the “Taking Care of Bitchness” shirt.
Jeff: It’ll go well with her “Taking Care of Bitchness” trucker hat!
Jason: I was going to get her the Young Man, Older Woman DVD, but I’m pretty sure she filmed her own version.
Jeff: I think your mom was in the sequel. Young Man, Older Woman II: The Thickening.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I don’t even know what that means, but I love it!
Jeff: Happy Freddie Jackson Mellowmas, friend! You’ve earned it!
Jason: And to you as well, fucker!
Jeff: And to all a good night!