Last year, on the Fifteenth Day of Mellowmas, we tortured ourselves by listening to Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton sing “I Believe in Santa Claus.” So what better way to celebrate the anniversary of that horrible day by listening to another track from the same album?

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton — A Christmas to Remember (download)

From Once Upon a Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: Oh man

Jeff: Now THIS is Mellowmas.

Jason: I can’t believe we’re dipping in the Kenny and Dolly well again. After last year’s torturous “I Believe in Santa Claus.”

Jeff: It’s a deep well, Jason.

Jason: Oooh! Opening with the chorus! Nice choice!

Jeff: Here come those harmonies! What a Christmas to remember! I wonder what made it so memorable? Let’s find out.

Jason: Oh, so synthesized. So very, very synthesized.

Jeff: Dolly was fantasizing about a fast-talking lover, but…Kenny made it a Christmas to…oh, God.

Jason: I have no idea what happened in the first verse. I wasn’t listening. But apparently whatever happened made it a Christmas to remember.

Jeff: They’re humping.

Jason: Really?

Jeff: Strangers as we met, lovers as we leave.

Jason: Don’t get lost, Kenny!

You make this a Christmas to remember! Springtime feelings in the middle of December! They kissed each other warm and tender!

Jeff: My stomach feels like it has a bucket full of Kenny’s chicken in it.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! They loved and laughed and played and choked!
I mean, joked!

Jeff: Maybe Dolly just choked? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Jason: “Can we do this next winter?”

Jeff: “Though the fire is hot, we’ll just have to let it simmer!” Oh, this is so skeevy.

Jason: What, the thought of Kenny and Dolly making love? Hm. Yeah, they’re definitely talking about making love throughout Christmas.

Jeff: Not only that, but it’s a random hookup.

Oh, sweet, sweet fadeout… I thought you’d never come…

Jason: Oh, you think this is over, Jeff? You think you’re ready to forget this song?

Jeff: I was ready three minutes ago!

Jason: You’re mistaken. After all, this is a Christmas to remember.

Jeff: Don’t tell me you found a video. PLEASE.


Jeff: Do NOT tell me…

Jason: “‘A Christmas to Remember’ is from a classic CBS TV special titled Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas to Remember that originally aired on December 2, 1984.”

Jeff: I have a bad, bad feeling about this.

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Jason: Mannequins!

Jeff: Mannequins?

Jason: What the fuck is going on?

Jeff: Why?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Dollytoe!

Jason: Dolly is jerking Kenny’s boots off! Holy shit, he’s getting naked in the lodge!

Jeff: So much hair…

Jason: This is AWESOME!!!!

Jeff: I’m stunned, Jason.

Jason: He’s playing peek-a-boo with the mannequins!

Jeff: This encapsulates everything Mellowmas is about so perfectly that I want to die.

Jason: I’m so happy I found this. I have made this a Christmas to remember.

Jeff: The sequined vest, the snow pants, Kenny’s beard…

Jason: The snow pants! Oh, the snow pants! Mannequins everywhere! For some unknown fucking reason! Oh god, I hope they start having sex with a mannequin.

Jeff: Maybe it’s a metaphor for something. Like for the fact that everyone associated with this must have been stoned out of their entire bodies.

Jason: Man, Kenny and Dolly really got a lot of mileage out of this fake relationship, didn’t they? Wait, did he just knock a fucking mannequin off the piano bench?

Jeff: I guess that was a real person.

Jason: They ended with rubbing noses!??! Where’s the mannequin sex?

Jeff: “Yeah the Mannequins are a little odd in the video but I liked how they put the real one in there to try and fool yah at the piano.”

Jason: That was a real person?

Jeff: That’s from YouTube commenter “HolidayFavs4Me.”

Jason: I actually went back and watched again. It WAS a real person.

Jeff: Jason, this is the grossest Mellowmas song ever.

Jason: Hmm. I wonder who picked this song for Mellowmas? Who could it have been?

Jeff: Andy Williams.

Jason: Was it…Terje? No. Was it…Will? No. Was it…wait, who else is on our staff?

Jeff: Yes! Yes it was! It was Will Harris!

Jason: No, it wasn’t. We both know who it was.

It was KEN.

Jeff: Oh, that’s right. Ken Shane picked it. He loves this stuff.

Jason: Let’s give out his e-mail address. And his home phone number.

Jeff: I think he’s out of town for a few weeks. Sitting in a chalet filled with mannequins.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, let’s come clean. Be honest. YOU picked this track. YOU made this a Christmas to remember.

Jeff: It’s true, I did. I was doing something else while it played the first time, and I nearly got whiplash when I realized what was going on in the lyrics. I think I may have broken a dish.

Jason: Kenny and Dolly, knockin’ winter boots.

Jeff: Rubbin’ snow pants. shudder

Jason: I don’t think it’s as good as last year’s track, because last year’s track had a video of Kenny dressed as Santa Claus. Although there’s something pretty awesome about his ski pants.

Jeff: He looks like a My Buddy doll. My Kenny! My Kenny! Wherever I go, he’s gonna go!

Jason: Kenny’s Roasters and Me!

Say what you want, this was kind of awesome, Jeff.

Jeff: It was 100% Mellowmas.

Jason: Exactly.

Jeff: John Denver dueting with Fogelberg couldn’t have nailed it any harder.

Jason: We can end here, but I’m going to go back and watch the part where Dolly takes off his boots again.

Jeff: You need help, my friend. I love Mellowmas, but I’m never watching that again.

Jason: By the way, “Dollytoe” is one of the funniest things I’ve heard all year.

Jeff: Thank you, thank you.

Jason: Now it’s time for us to go, Jeff, as our hearts melt like chimney snow. There’s just one thing I want to know: can we do this next winter?

Jeff: Though the fire is hot, we’ll just have to let it simmer!

Jason: Actually, fuck next winter. Can we do this again tomorrow?

Jeff: What the hell. I’ve got nothing going on.

Jason: We do have, like, ten days left or something!

Jeff: Really? Isn’t it Mellowmas Eve yet?

Jason: Wishful thinking on your part. Wishful thinking on everyone’s part.

Jeff: Don’t I hear sleigh bells jingling?

Jason: Oh, that’s your mom. She’s over here jumping on my bed.

Jeff: Why, that’s even grosser than Kenny and Dolly sharing sequins in the chalet!

Jason: I asked her to wear the sleigh bells, but it was her idea to wear the harness. She made this a Christmas to remember. And it’s going to last until I finish these antibiotics.

Jeff: Oh, it’ll last well past that. She’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Jason: Oh ooooh woah! What a Christmas!

Jeff: Hey, that reminds me — your mom left her teeth here last time she came over. Can I send them to you? I don’t want your dad to know.

Jason: Oh, you can just throw them in the fire. They’re made of wood.

Jeff: I figure you can just tell him she took them out at the Firefall concert.

Jason: I have no response. You’ve taken a Mellow Gold artist’s name in vain. NOW you’ve crossed the line.

Jeff: Now I have this damn song stuck in my head. Out! Out! Out! I need to listen to “Tom’s Diner” or something…

Jason: Hooray! Hopefully our readers have the same problem. If they do, I suggest they go back to Day One and listen to “Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a merry Mellowmas…” And don’t worry, folks, only 24 hours before another shitty song is in your head. Don’t say we never gave you anything for Mellowmas!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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