Jason: Ahh, nothing like the very first day of Mellowmas! What’s on the plate for our 2010 inaugural chat, good buddy?

Jeff: How do you feel about Charles Nelson Reilly and Jm J. Bullock?

Jason: Are those two different people?

Jeff: I’m not sure. But how would you feel about spending Christmas with either of them? While they were singing? Loudly?

Jason: Oh my God. OH MY GOD. Did Charles Nelson Reilly and Jm J. Bullock make a Christmas album?

Jeff: God can’t hear you, Jason.

Jason: That’s right! I forgot that God turned His back on Mellowmas years ago.

Jeff: God turned His back on Mellowmas on July 1, 1951.

Jason: What happened on July 1, 1951?

Jeff: Otherwise known as the day Fred Schneider was born.

Jason: Fred Schneider? Like, B-52s Fred Schneider?

Jeff: The one and only!

Jason: The B-52s did a Christmas album?

Jeff: Nope! Just Fred. JUST FRED.

Jason: This sounds awful.

Jeff: Well, that isn’t totally true. He assembled a band for the album. They’re called the Superions. I think Osama bin Laden plays drums.

Jason: What exactly is a Superion?

Jeff: According to Wikipedia, it’s “a messenger sent from Hell.”

Jason: Oh. I thought maybe it was a gay robot.

Jeff: I think Idi Amin plays bass for the Superions.

Jason: So the Superions have a Christmas album, huh? Let me look this up.

Jeff: Pol Pot plays keyboards. And on background vocals? Yoko Ono.

Jason: Oh here it is. It says they’re managed by Leona Helmsley. They have a song called “Fruitcake.” OF COURSE THEY DO.

Jeff: Yes, because what is Fred Schneider known for, if not for his subtle humor? Oh, I know: ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME EVERY TIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH.

Jason: Well, then this track seems tailor-made for Mellowmas, doesn’t it?

Jeff: It does, but I’m still never going to forgive you for sending this to me.

Jason: Ready?

Jeff: grrrrrrrrrggggggggggrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn

The Superions — Fruitcake (download)

From Destination…Christmas! 

Jason: Keyboard bass!

Jeff: No vocals! I love it!
Ah, shit.

Jason: Oh my God.

Jeff: Jason, I hate you.

Jason: I can’t stand his voice.
FRUITCAYKE! Citrus Pee-ul! Add what you fee-ul!

Jeff: On the one hand, I’m sort of impressed that this is the first song to use the ingredients for fruitcake as the basis for the lyrics. On the other, I WISH I WAS DEAD.

Jason: Cinn-ah-mun!

Jeff: Green cherries?

Jason: If he says “Fruitcake” one more time, I’m going to shove my head through a plate glass window. Bongos. Oh God.

Jeff: How many plate glass windows do you have? Because I think we’re going to hear “Fruitcake” about a hundred times.

Jason: “Put the oven on low, three hours or mo’.”

Jeff: This song includes the line “Oh no, you sillies.”

Jason: This is so awful.

Jeff: Can you have vertigo while sitting down?

Jason: “It could kill you dead! It’s this song! I mean, it’s fruitcake!” He’s so happy singing that word. All those bongos. “Do the fruitcake!” “Don’t call me fruitcake!”

Jeff: Did you know that you can’t stab yourself to death with a computer mouse?

Jason: No, but you can do some serious damage if you try to swallow it. Ask Fred Schneider.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m breathing deeply. I’m so glad that song is over.

Jason: Wow. That was really, really awful. I wonder how many times he sings the word “Fruitcake” in that song.

Jeff: Of all the things that were inexplicably popular in the ’80s — Nagel paintings, acid-washed jeans, Demi Moore — none made less sense to me than Fred Schneider.

Jason: Wait, now I really want to know. How many times does he say “Fruitcake”? You know what we should do?

Jeff: No, but I know I’m refusing to do it!

Jason: We should listen again and count how many times he says “Fruitcake.”

Jeff: Hey, I was right!

Jason: I mean, our readers probably want to know, too.

Jeff: I don’t think you know what our readers want.

Jason: They can do it along with us! And then we can all light ourselves on fire together.

Jeff: I would rather eat a real fruitcake.

Jason: I’ll call Fred and see if he’s available.

Jeff: And by “eat a real fruitcake,” I mean “feast on Fred Schneider’s corpse.”

Jason: Ha! C’mon, let’s listen again! It’ll be fun! And I know the ingredients for fun.


Jason: One of them is red dye #2.

Jeff: sigh Green cherries?

Jason: Green ones too! It’s FRUITCAYYYYYYYKE! Let’s listen again and count, you silly!

Jeff: Goddamn you, let’s get this over with.

Jason: Wheeeeee!

The Superions — Fruitcake (download)

From Destination…Christmas!

Jeff: This is my favorite part of the song.

Jason: One!
Right now too much time is going by without the word “fruitcake.”

Jeff: I disagree.

Jason: Here it comes!
S E V E N ! !
Green ones too! Number nine!

Jeff: This is my second-favorite part of the song.

Jason: The instrumental part again?

Jeff: Never have I been happier to hear a synth bongo solo.

Jason: Put the oven on low! Three hours or mo’!

Jeff: Stick your head in!

Jason: Wrap it in rum, yum yum yum! ELEVEN!
Are you still there!
Nineteen, twenty!

Jeff: I counted 29.

Jason: You did? I counted 30.

Jeff: Twenty-nine reasons to punch you.

Jason: Wait, we’re off by one. Either you’re right or I’m right. We can’t both be right.

Jeff: You’re missing the point, which is that this song shouldn’t exist.

Jason: No, I have to get this right. We have to know how many there are. I think we should listen again.

Jeff: Something terrible has happened to you since last Mellowmas.


Jeff: Can you explain Fred Schneider’s appeal to me?

Jason: Well, he’s out and loud and proud, so there’s that.

Jeff: And that’s great. But the MUSIC.

Jason: Oh. No. I have no clue.

Jeff: Fred Schneider must be a wealthy man. How did he become wealthy?
By doing this.
By doing this, Jason.

Jason: Uh, I beg to differ. He did not become wealthy by singing about fruitcake.

Jeff: What he’s singing is immaterial. He could sing the great American songbook, and he’d be every bit as annoying.
imagines it, shudders

Jason: Oh my God! YES! Let’s imagine songs that Fred Schneider could do!

Jeff: Have you heard his cover of Harry Nilsson’s “Coconut”?

Jason: No, but I don’t feel like I need to. I can imagine that one just fine in my head, thank you.

Jeff: It sounds like monkeys having sex in a pile of cocaine.

Jason: I think I’d prefer that to FRUITCAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYKE.

Jeff: Well, yeah, it’s better than this. But just barely. There are a lot of Fred Schneider enablers in the world, and they made this possible, and I’m angry.

Jason: Maybe you should send them all a gift. I have an idea what you could send them. Do you want to know what it is?

Jeff: Does it contain green cherries? Red dye #2?

Jason: IT’S ARSENIC! I mean FRUITCAYYYYKE! I’d like to hear this song with other words instead of FRUITCAAAAAYYYYKE. It’s ANTHRAX!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: It’s CANCER!

Jeff: It’s LOVE SHACK!

Jason: It’s TAMPAX!
…and I just wrote a BRILLIANT commercial jingle.

Jeff: I swear to God, if I end up seeing a Tampax commercial that uses Fred Schneider’s “Fruitcake,” the police will never find your body.


Jeff: You made me play that song twice, and now my kids are hitting each other.

Jason: Really? Because Jess is looking over my shoulder and laughing, and she hasn’t even heard the song. Actually, that’s probably why she’s not hitting me. I should make her listen to it.

Jeff: Having heard most of this awful album, I think you can play her pretty much any random track and get the same result.

Jason: Ha! I just went to make her listen to it, and she ran and locked herself in the bathroom.

Jeff: Including “Teddy and Betty Yeti” or “Santa’s Disco.”

Jason: I’m chasing her with my laptop. I should wait until she’s on the toilet.

Jeff: Ha! Now THAT’S Mellowmas!

Jason: “Hey Jess, whatcha makin’?”

Jeff: “The same thing Fred Schneider did!”


Now that you’ve made it through Fred Schneider’s “Fruitcake” — twice! — you deserve a reward. So head on over to Rhino, where our reissue-lovin’ friends are offering a 40% discount on Vanilla Fudge’s Box of Fudge (reviewed by our own Dw. Dunphy here). Hungry for some sweet rock ‘n’ roll? Click here!

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About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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