[Note: After reading this, you may be in desperate need of some actual holiday cheer — so head on over to visit our friends at Suburban Sprawl, who have just released their annual free holiday compilation. Now, on with the show!]
Yes, children, believe it or not, we’re only on day four of Mellowmas.Á‚ Doesn’t it seem like we’ve been listening to crappy holiday music forever?Á‚ Well, bad news: today’s no different.
You see, kids, back in 1994, Judy Collins chose to bestow upon the world a Christmas album.Á‚ Come Rejoice!Á‚ A Judy Collins Christmas, it was called.Á‚ And yeah, it contained all the traditional Christmas songs, but also a curious little ditty entitled “Song for Sarajevo.” And that’s the song we’ll be listening to today.Á‚ But first…
Jason: So, Jeff, before we even start playing this track, I want you to know: I have high, high hopes for this song.
Jeff: I don’t know why.
Jason: I mean, “Song for Sarajevo”? I think this is going to be really, really uplifting. I think I’m going to walk away feeling really good about the world. Even better than when Bono told me to thank God it’s them instead of me.
Jeff: Your optimism…it’s contagious.
Jason: I mean, I don’t know. Have you ever been to Sarajevo?
Jeff: I hear it’s lovely this time of year.
Jason: Maybe it’s a wonderful, prosperous place that Santa enjoys. And that Judy Collins enjoys, too.
Jeff: I think they hang mistletoe over the landmines.
Jason: Maybe Judy and Santa go together. Do a little Bob Hope-esque show.
Jeff: Can Judy even move? I mean, I don’t want to be indelicate, but judging from the cover photo…
Jason: Hang on, let me see where I put the CD. Oh, here it is, in the trash.
Jeff: You threw it away? That was a gift! That cost me a whole three dollars!
Jason: I’m re-gifting it to my garbage man! Maybe he, too, will be moved and uplifted by “Song for Sarajevo.” We can play the track now. I just wanted to let you know that I have a huge smile on my face, and am ready to feel really, really good about myself and the world.
So bring it to me, Judy.
Judy Collins — Song for Sarajevo (download)
From Come Rejoice! A Judy Collins Christmas Amazon
Jason: Uh oh. That key. It sounds minor.
Jeff: Oh my god! Blood in all the streets!
Jason: RUNNING LIKE A FLOOD! Dude. We’re FUCKED. She touched death itself!
Jeff: That explains the cover!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Planes! Bombing! Why?
Jason: I LOVE Christmas songs that mention bombing!
Jeff: Why did this sick bitch put this song on a Christmas record?
Jason: But hang on…when she closes her eyes, she dreams of peace. Of flowers on the hill.
Jeff: How nice for her. When I close my eyes now, I’m going to dream of death and Hell. And singing eunuchs.
Jason: Hang on. I have to go open my window and jump out.
Jeff: Once I had a home? Oh, this is awful.
Jason: Jesus, she has some real mother issues, doesn’t she? Maybe her mother is Mary?
Jeff: This is the most depressing “holiday” song EVER.
Jason: Did she say something before about fire raining down her life?
Jeff: Judy Collins fucking hates Christmas.
Jason: Hang on. I am stapling my ears shut.
Jeff: War is an evil bird, and every promise has been broken.
Jason: But hold on, Jeff. Because when she closes her eyes, she dreams of peace. When I close my eyes, I dream of dancing cheek to cheek with Michael McDonald, but that’s not happening either.
Jeff: Hold on, I’m swallowing toilet cleaner.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: We’ve been so preoccupied with the lyrics, we haven’t mentioned the music, which sounds like October Project crossed with a bowel movement.
Jason: Hold up. My bathtub is almost full. I’m just going to go get the toaster.
Wait, now she’s asking us: When we close our eyes, do we dream of peace?
Jeff: Send in the clowns, Judy! Send in the fucking clowns RIGHT NOW!
Jason: I was to understand there would be uplifting moments here!
Jeff: Or do the clowns have bayonets?
Jason: Holy crap, she totally wavered on that last “peace.” And the eunuchs still sing. A fade-out? What, no big finish?
Jeff: That song had less holiday spirit than Eazy-E’s “Merry Motherfuckin’ Christmas.”
Jason: No “peace….OH YEAH!” ending?
Jeff: God, can you just imagine Christmas at Judy Collins’ house?
Jason: One second. I’m swallowing an entire bag of coal.
Jeff: “Before we bite into this delicious ham, I just wanted to let everyone know I ran over a kitten on the way here.”
Jason: She’s Judy Downer! “Merry Christmas, Aunt Judy!” “Yes, it’s so merry, except for the fire raining down my life.”
Jeff: “Would everyone like to come see the river of kitten blood out in the street?”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: I would like to have a Mellowmas first right now. I would like to apologize for sending you this disc.
Jason: !!! Really?
Jeff: Are you kidding? This is terrible! And not in a good way, either! Seriously, what the fuck was she thinking?
Jason: There’s actually a song on this disc I liked. “Charlie & The Bells Medley: White Christmas/Happy New Year”
Jeff: Really? I thought it was going to be “Death of a Homeless Man on New Year’s Eve.”
Jason: And it looks like I gave “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” 3 out of 5 stars.
Jeff: I think I’d give Wing three stars after listening to this. At least Wing knows how to have a good time. Shit.
Jason: The Wing and Judy Collins Christmas Special. Can’t you see it? Shots of a very confused studio audience. The key grip hanging himself in the corner.
Jeff: Hang on. I’m pooping a Jarreaumas.