[Note: After reading this, you may be in desperate need of some actual holiday cheer — so head on over to visit our friends at Suburban Sprawl, who have just released their annual free holiday compilation. Now, on with the show!]

Yes, children, believe it or not, we’re only on day four of Mellowmas.Á‚  Doesn’t it seem like we’ve been listening to crappy holiday music forever?Á‚  Well, bad news: today’s no different.

You see, kids, back in 1994, Judy Collins chose to bestow upon the world a Christmas album.Á‚  Come Rejoice!Á‚  A Judy Collins Christmas, it was called.Á‚  And yeah, it contained all the traditional Christmas songs, but also a curious little ditty entitled “Song for Sarajevo.” And that’s the song we’ll be listening to today.Á‚  But first…

Jason: So, Jeff, before we even start playing this track, I want you to know: I have high, high hopes for this song.

Jeff: I don’t know why.

Jason: I mean, “Song for Sarajevo”? I think this is going to be really, really uplifting. I think I’m going to walk away feeling really good about the world. Even better than when Bono told me to thank God it’s them instead of me.

Jeff: Your optimism…it’s contagious.

Jason: I mean, I don’t know. Have you ever been to Sarajevo?

Jeff: I hear it’s lovely this time of year.

Jason: Maybe it’s a wonderful, prosperous place that Santa enjoys. And that Judy Collins enjoys, too.

Jeff: I think they hang mistletoe over the landmines.

Jason: Maybe Judy and Santa go together. Do a little Bob Hope-esque show.

Jeff: Can Judy even move? I mean, I don’t want to be indelicate, but judging from the cover photo…

Jason: Hang on, let me see where I put the CD. Oh, here it is, in the trash.

Jeff: You threw it away? That was a gift! That cost me a whole three dollars!

Jason: I’m re-gifting it to my garbage man! Maybe he, too, will be moved and uplifted by “Song for Sarajevo.” We can play the track now. I just wanted to let you know that I have a huge smile on my face, and am ready to feel really, really good about myself and the world.

So bring it to me, Judy.

Judy Collins — Song for Sarajevo (download)

From Come Rejoice! A Judy Collins Christmas Amazon

Jason: Uh oh. That key. It sounds minor.

Jeff: Oh my god! Blood in all the streets!

Jason: RUNNING LIKE A FLOOD! Dude. We’re FUCKED. She touched death itself!

Jeff: That explains the cover!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Planes! Bombing! Why?

Jason: I LOVE Christmas songs that mention bombing!

Jeff: Why did this sick bitch put this song on a Christmas record?

Jason: But hang on…when she closes her eyes, she dreams of peace. Of flowers on the hill.

Jeff: How nice for her. When I close my eyes now, I’m going to dream of death and Hell. And singing eunuchs.

Jason: Hang on. I have to go open my window and jump out.

Jeff: Once I had a home? Oh, this is awful.

Jason: Jesus, she has some real mother issues, doesn’t she? Maybe her mother is Mary?

Jeff: This is the most depressing “holiday” song EVER.

Jason: Did she say something before about fire raining down her life?

Jeff: Judy Collins fucking hates Christmas.

Jason: Hang on. I am stapling my ears shut.

Jeff: War is an evil bird, and every promise has been broken.

Jason: But hold on, Jeff. Because when she closes her eyes, she dreams of peace. When I close my eyes, I dream of dancing cheek to cheek with Michael McDonald, but that’s not happening either.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m swallowing toilet cleaner.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: We’ve been so preoccupied with the lyrics, we haven’t mentioned the music, which sounds like October Project crossed with a bowel movement.

Jason: Hold up. My bathtub is almost full. I’m just going to go get the toaster.

Wait, now she’s asking us: When we close our eyes, do we dream of peace?

Jeff: Send in the clowns, Judy! Send in the fucking clowns RIGHT NOW!

Jason: I was to understand there would be uplifting moments here!

Jeff: Or do the clowns have bayonets?

Jason: Holy crap, she totally wavered on that last “peace.” And the eunuchs still sing. A fade-out? What, no big finish?

Jeff: That song had less holiday spirit than Eazy-E’s “Merry Motherfuckin’ Christmas.”

Jason: No “peace….OH YEAH!” ending?

Jeff: God, can you just imagine Christmas at Judy Collins’ house?

Jason: One second. I’m swallowing an entire bag of coal.

Jeff: “Before we bite into this delicious ham, I just wanted to let everyone know I ran over a kitten on the way here.”

Jason: She’s Judy Downer! “Merry Christmas, Aunt Judy!” “Yes, it’s so merry, except for the fire raining down my life.”

Jeff: “Would everyone like to come see the river of kitten blood out in the street?”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I would like to have a Mellowmas first right now. I would like to apologize for sending you this disc.

Jason: !!! Really?

Jeff: Are you kidding? This is terrible! And not in a good way, either! Seriously, what the fuck was she thinking?

Jason: There’s actually a song on this disc I liked. “Charlie & The Bells Medley: White Christmas/Happy New Year”

Jeff: Really? I thought it was going to be “Death of a Homeless Man on New Year’s Eve.”

Jason: And it looks like I gave “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” 3 out of 5 stars.

Jeff: I think I’d give Wing three stars after listening to this. At least Wing knows how to have a good time. Shit.

Jason: The Wing and Judy Collins Christmas Special. Can’t you see it? Shots of a very confused studio audience. The key grip hanging himself in the corner.

Jeff: Hang on. I’m pooping a Jarreaumas.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles