Jason:I just want to say, before we start, that I love this album cover and title.

Jeff: It’s PERFECT. No matter what the musical content happens to be, we couldn’t miss this.


Jason: For starters, that smile makes him look like either Eddie or Charlie Murphy.

Jeff: If I could hire someone to stage a cover for the Mellowmas album in my head, I think it would have to look like this. Also: Something Warm for Christmas. How fucking gross is that?

Jason: Sometimes I feel like we’re the only people in the world who try to find the inappropriateness of every word or phrase. Because how else could you come up with that title?

Jeff: “Jesus, Jeffrey, what’s that on the sheets?”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: “It’s something warm for Christmas, baby.”

Jason: “Jeffrey, why did you poop in my stocking?” And then he flashes his shit-eating grin from the cover.

Jeff: This is the first time I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried this Mellowmas. I can’t read what I’m typing.

Jason: I’m so happy! All of my Mellowmas dreams have come true!

Jeff: Mine too!
deep sigh
Okay, regaining composure.

Jason: “Yeah, I crapped under your Christmas tree. Happy holidays!”

Jeff: “That ain’t eggnog, baby. It’s…something warm for Christmas.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, I only have one Jeffrey Osborne song in my collection: “Stay With Me Tonight.” That song rocks, by the way.

Jeff: Oh, I don’t even know what I have. Let me see…

Jason: Tell me you have an entire collection,

Jeff: Whoa. I have loads of Jeffrey Osborne.

Jason: I knew it.

Jeff: I feel like this must have come from Dave Steed.

Jason: Any other songs I’d recognize?

Jeff: “Love Power,” with Dionne Warwick… “Stay with Me Tonight”… “We’re Going All the Way”…

Jason: Oh, duh! “On the Wings of Love”!

Jeff: Oh, there’s so many, I’m not typing them all. This motherfucker had hits.

Jason: And the theme to the soap opera Loving, which I’m sure you watched.

Jeff: I didn’t, but that’s great. I feel like I need to find it on YouTube.

Jason: Shall we listen to this and see if it’s any good? Who knows, it could be excellent. And then we’re the idiots.

Jeff: Heh. Let’s give it a shot.

Jason: He’s left US something warm for Christmas: Failure.

Jeff: Are you ready for something warm?

Jason: As ready as I’m going to be. Let’s go!

Jeffrey Osborne — Just a Little Snow (download)


From Something Warm for Christmas null

Jason: Not a bad opening.

Jeff: This is really well-produ…

Jason: Wait, what the fuck?

Jeff: Wait.

Jason: Babies and kids?

Jeff: Goddammit. California’s kinda warm! Ha ha ha! Still, the spirit’s on the loose!

Jason: I just wish we had a little snow!


Jason: Instead, we have something warm for Christmas!

Jeff: This is ridiculous. I love it.

Jason: Do you think Osborne feels like Vandross stole his career?

Jeff: I think Osborne feels like Vandross probably stole food off his plate at the 1985 Grammy Awards.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! I mean, Osborne sounds fantastic. The guy has chops. Whereas Luther had pork chops.

Jeff: And he can sell this shit.

Jason: This is perfect Lite-FM stuff.

Jeff: Osborne sounds like he doesn’t give a damn that this song is awful.

Jason: Not that I’ve ever heard it on Lite-FM.

Jeff: I hope to God he was wearing this suit while he tracked these vocals. Matter of fact, I hope he wears it every day.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
La la la la la la la la la!

Hey, who do you think would win in a fight — Jeffrey Osborne or Gregory Abbott?

Jason: Hm. Good call.

Jeff: Or would they rupture the fabric of the universe by touching?

Jason: Maybe they get some other soul vocalists to join in the fight? A little Peabo, maybe?

Jeff: Also, do you think Osborne is talking about literal snow, or Andy Gibb snow? Because looking at that smile on the cover, I’m guessing Jeffrey likes to get high.

Jason: I imagine Osborne to be drug-free.

Jeff: Really? I imagine him having more cocaine than the second act of a Miami Vice episode.

Jason: Wait a minute. I’m looking closer at the cover. Is that suit jacket satin?

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Or velour or something? Oh my god. I think Jeffrey is sitting ON A TOILET.

Jeff: YES. That’s his “push face.”


Jeff: And that’s his assless Christmas suit.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Plop! It’s something warm for Christmas!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’m cackling! I wish that was a track on this disc. “A Christmas Plop.”

Jeff: (warm mix)

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I’m crying again. Thank you, Jeffrey Osborne, for bringing me so much Mellowmas joy.

Jason: I don’t know how he did it, because it’s not like we can really make fun of his voice. The song is lame, but man, that guy can sing. It’s all in the title and that smile.

Jeff: Oh, absolutely. I think I can almost make out tiny beads of sweat on his forehead.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: whoo

Jason: He probably uses satin toilet paper.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Poor Jeffrey Osborne.

Jeff: Hey, judging by the number of his songs in my library, I don’t think he needs our pity. He does, however, probably need a new manager.

Jason: Well, this album was released in 1997.

Jeff: Yeah, I’m looking at his Wikipedia page. It came out on A&M! And it CHARTED! #86 on the R&B charts!

Jason: What has he done that HASN’T hit the R&B charts?

Jeff: “Pam sang the first bars of ‘On The Wings of Love’ from the album Jeffrey Osborne with Dwight’s recorder accompaniment during a bird’s funeral on The Office third season episode ‘Grief Counseling.’ He also regularly sang the national anthem before Hartford Whalers games.”

Jason: Does it say anything about his deuce-dropping habits?

Jeff: Hmm. No. But he did write the lyrics to Whitney Houston’s “All at Once.”

Jason: You know why? He likes to keep it a secret. Look at that smile! It’s lecherous and comforting all at once.

Jeff: I love Jeffrey Osborne’s smile.

Jason: Did he work on Millie Jackson’s Back to the Shit album, per chance?

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! He inspired it!

Jason: What a Mellowmas gift we have in Osborne.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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