Dear Everyone Who Ever Said I’d Never Amount to Anything:

Suck it.

Do you see what I have here? You do? Let me spell it out for you anyway: I have a box of Triple Chocolate M&M’s Premiums Chocolate Candies. Yes, that’s right — Premiums. As in, better than those crappy regular M&M’s sitting in that bowl on your desk right now.

How do I know they’re better? Easy: They cost $10 a pound. Yeah, you heard me, nuns at St. Agatha’s who predicted I’d be sweeping streets for a living by now — I’m sitting here wolfing down a box of obscenely decadent chocolate, the likes of which your sorry asses have never tasted. Yes! Premiums! Me! Can you believe it?

You’re feigning disinterest, but I can see through your pathetic attempts to choke down all that jealousy. I bet I know what that jealousy tastes like, too: the waxy, downmarket chocolate in your stupid regular M&M’s. Do you want to know what’s in my fancy Triple Chocolate M&M’s Premiums? No? Fuck you, I’m going to tell you anyway: One layer of dark chocolate, one layer of white chocolate, and a delectable milk chocolate center. All in one overpriced candy! How do they do it? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m living the Premium lifestyle, and you aren’t.

I repeat: Suck it.

Some people may try and tell you that M&M’s Premiums aren’t really worth the extra money, or that they are not, in fact, all that “Premium” at all. These people are dirty liars. Do you really think MARS Snackfood US, LLC would charge extra for chocolate that tastes suspiciously like the shit they put in the M&M’s they make for poor people? You do? Ha! You don’t even understand capitalism, do you? Of course you don’t. If you did, you might have an economics degree, and you’d be able to live the Premium lifestyle, instead of having to gag on poverty-flavored M&M’s. Too bad for you!

I know what you’re wondering: How did I, someone who barely had a 2.0 grade point average in high school, make it past the velvet rope and into the Premium party? Especially you, Mom and Dad — you must really be pissed that all those lectures about not being able to get anywhere in life if I didn’t do my homework ended up being the load of total crap I always knew they were. And you know what? I’d give you the answer to your question, except I’m chewing on a handful of scrumptious Triple Chocolate M&M’s Premiums Chocolate Candies, and I’ve got too much class to talk with my mouth full.

No, I will not share with you. Don’t even think about touching my M&M’s, either. These ones are so Premium, they don’t even have a hard candy shell. They will, in fact, melt in your hand. So hands off!

In closing, I would like to add that the Premium fun doesn’t even end with Triple Chocolate. No, we’ve got other varieties to choose from — namely Mint Chocolate, Mocha, Raspberry Almond, and Chocolate Almond. Don’t they sound fan-fucking-tastic? You bet they do. Unfortunately, the prices of annoyingly non-Premium foods like milk and bread keep going up, and I wasn’t able to convince my stupid wife and kids to go along with the “Seven Nights of Ramen” menu I proposed, so I haven’t gotten around to sampling those other varieties yet. But I will. You can count on it — once you start living the Premium lifestyle, you never go back. Even if it means siphoning your neighbor’s gasoline once in awhile.

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About the Author

Jeff Giles

Jeff Giles is the founder and editor-in-chief of Popdose and Dadnabbit, as well as an entertainment writer whose work can be seen at Rotten Tomatoes and a number of other sites. Hey, why not follow him at Twitter while you're at it?

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