Greetings, friends, and welcome back from what I hope was a deeply enjoyable, tryptophan-enhanced food coma. As I mentioned previously, the Jefitos celebrate Thanksgetting — it’s the day after Thanksgiving — because, well, we’re a pretty non-traditional lot. Along those lines, we decided to add a little wrinkle to this year’s holiday celebration, courtesy of the madmen at the Jones Soda Company. You know where I’m going with this, don’t you?
Yep. Thanksgiving in a bottle!
It’s actually five bottles, and no, none of them contain that certain magic ingredient you’re thinking of. Actually, I’m not altogether certain what any of them contain, but this is what they’re supposed to taste like:
WILD HERB STUFFING!
TURKEY & GRAVY!
BRUSSELS SPROUTS!
CRANBERRY SAUCE!
PUMPKIN PIE!
Most of the foods sampled here run more toward the curious or unusual than the outright disgusting — I’d never be able to match Steve at The Sneeze in that area — but this was something I just couldn’t resist. Even my wife, who normally at least pretends to discourage me from writing new junk food entries, had to admit the folks at Jones had come up with something too good to resist. They’re even donating a portion of the proceeds to charity. How can you go wrong?
Lots of ways, actually, at least if you’re really drinking these things, but you don’t need me to tell you that. The box also comes with a wine list, a spork, and a moist towelette, but we tossed them all aside and got right down to business. We poured five glasses and passed them ’round the room.
The “meal” proceeded in a more-or-less traditionally linear fashion, beginning with Wild Herb Stuffing and Turkey & Gravy. Neither of them were awful; in fact, my father-in-law, beginning what would become a recurring pattern, deemed them both “pretty good.” Everyone else said the Stuffing soda tasted like tonic water with “something added,” though a clear consensus was never established as to what that “something” might actually be, and that the Turkey & Gravy tasted like neither turkey nor gravy.
The pièce de résistance, as you might imagine, is Brussels Sprout. It’s pretty gross from the get-go — you’ve never seen a glass of anything so ominously green, and I don’t even want to talk about the smell — but nothing prepares you for the taste. I can’t remember the last time I came so close to gagging on food (or foodish, as the case may be). Oh God.
As my brother Rich put it: “I licked my sleeve to get rid of the taste.”
In all fairness, though, your enjoyment of the soda may have a lot to do with whether or not you like real brussels sprouts. My in-laws, both of whom eat said sprouts regularly, actually liked the soda (though they declined our invitation to finish the bottle).
The rest of the meal was anti-climactic; although Pumpkin Pie caught a couple of us off guard (my brother Brian: “Tastes like pumpkin pie that was left in a cabinet”), it was a relief after Brussels Sprout, and Cranberry tastes just like cranberry. The biggest problem with all the flavors, actually, is that they’re sweetened with Splenda. If you like diet soda, this is no big deal, but if you’re like me and want to scrub out your mouth whenever you taste fake sugar, it adds a foul note to an already disconcerting drinking experience.
All in all, I heartily encourage each and every one of you to head out to your nearest Target and pick up a Holiday Pack or two for your next seasonal party. Share it with your friends and family. It’s fun, and since I can report no lasting gastrointestinal distress, it’s probably safe too.
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