Jason: So before we start, Jeff, I’d like you to tell our readers about how you felt when this CD showed up on your doorstep. Sent lovingly by yours truly.

Jeff: Well, for some strange reason, you insisted on requiring a signature for delivery.

Jason: That wasn’t me. That was Amazon. But okay, I’ll take the credit.

Jeff: And the UPS guy happened to show up when I wasn’t home.  So I spent an entire day wondering what wonderful gift someone might have sent me.

Jason: Go on.

Jeff: Something so precious that it needed a signature.

Jason: Yes. YES.

Jeff: It had to be valuable!

Jason: Like a delicate Christmas ornament! Or a puppy!

Jeff: Mayhap! And then the guy showed up, and it was just this dinky little box. And I opened it…and then…

Jason: Go on…

Jeff: Hang on, I need a moment.

Jason: Take your time. Our readers will wait.

Jeff: I opened it, and there…There was this THING…

Jason: …Yes? Yes?

Jeff: Oh, it was awful.

Jason: Tell me. Tell us.

Jeff: It was The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica.

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

Jason: YES. It WAS. Did you scream out, “MOTHERFUCKER!”? Because that’s what I did when you sent me the Judy Collins CD.

Jeff: I think I may have done that, actually. And then I checked the receipt, and it had your name on it. Along with a brief note.

Jason: …which said…?

Jeff: “Suck it!”

Jason: YES! I wanted to write, “Suck it, fuckface!” but I wasn’t sure if Amazon would stop it from going out.

Jeff: You are a bastard. You really, truly are.

Jason: Yay! Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a merry Mellowmas!

Jeff: We’ll find out when I send you a copy of — well, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Jason: I threw the Judy Collins CD across the room, which was a bad idea because now the CD case is cracked and I can’t give it to my Aunt. I mean, sure, I could put it in a new case, but that’s a waste of a new case.

Jeff: Just use one of the Mardones cases. (Note: back in 2006, Jeff “graciously” sent Jason the entire Benny Mardones discography.  Prick.)

Jason: Ooooh! You asshole!

Jeff: Or have you had those bronzed?

Jason: They sat on the floor under my desk at work until I left that job. When I was packing up my shit, I was tempted to just leave them there for the next occupant.

Jeff: You should have!

Jason: Instead — and I don’t know why — I took them home. I have no idea where they are now. One, I think, is underneath the litter box.

Jeff: Oh, I know why.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: Because you love Benny Mardones.

Jason: Shit. You have me there.

Jeff: You looooooooooooove him.

Jason: I do kind of looooooove him. Even though I’ve still only heard “Into the Night.”

Jeff: Which sucks, but is still thousands of times better than anything on this piece of shit CD.

Jason: Well, let’s see, shall we?

Jeff: We shall.

Jason: Onto the Archies!

The Archies — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (download)

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jeff: I hate it already. I hate you even more.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! This is awful!

Jeff: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Jason: It might have almost – ALMOST – made sense in 1998.

Jeff: This is like “Sugar Sugar” after someone took a dump on it.

Jason: Ha! Shitty Sugar!

Jeff: Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Jason: I wonder: is this Betty or Veronica?

Jeff: I know we’re supposed to snark on these songs, but all I want to do is swear.

Jason: Man, can you hear the AutoTune? ‘Cause I can totally hear the AutoTune. Key change! Probably achieved by a pitch shift in ProTools!

Jeff: This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jason: Oh, stop it.

Jeff: No, I’m serious.

Jason: It’s nowhere NEAR the worst thing you’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jeff: It is!

Jason: It isn’t. You’re being melodramatic. Stop it.

Jeff: I’m not either.

Jason: Yes, you are. Think back.

Jeff: I want to punch this girl. And you. And then the girl again.

Jason: Ha! Hang on, I found the MySpace pages for these girls.

Jeff: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. I was hoping they were Ron Dante after some kind of gross post-production.

Jason: Kelly Lynn and Danielle van Zyl.

Jeff: Hey, these girls are built like the real Betty and Veronica! Suddenly, I like this song more.

Jason: I’m glad you mentioned him. Have you noticed something interesting about this album? It’s The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica. And they’re not kidding. Archie — Ron Dante — gets, like, NO singing time. You heard him a little bit at the end of that track. But the Archies people are no idiots.

Jeff: Says you. And even if they aren’t idiots, they’re still evil.

Jason: They know that kids who read Archie comics, and listen to this stuff, don’t want to hear 100-year-old Ron Dante.

Jeff: KIDS DON’T READ ARCHIE COMICS!

Jason: They don’t? I know I did when I was a kid. But then again, I listen to Mellow Gold, so go figure.

Jeff: Oh my God. Nobody ever slapped you with a rolled-up Spider-Man?

Jason: I had a huge collection of Archie comics. And not just mine — I had my mother’s, too.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Oh, fuck you!

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha hah ha hahahahahaha

Jason: If I had known this was going to be a point of teasing, I never would have brought it up. FUCK.

Jeff: I saw Mommy reading Archie comics…

Jason: At least my mom’s not a prostitute. Because yours totally is. I’m just saying. I saw your mommy blowing Santa Claus. And by “Santa Claus,” I mean “me.”

Jeff: At least my mom doesn’t call my dad Mr. Weatherbee.

Jason: You wanna listen to another one? Let’s listen to one of the Archies-centric tracks. Let’s listen to “Archie’s Christmas Party.”

Jeff: Another one? Shit.

Jason: Hey, come on. Ron Dante needs our support.

Jeff: He needs a punch in the head.

Jason: You think that cruise line gig is paying the bills? No siree.

Jeff: Cruise line whaaa?

Jason: Yeah. I, uh, looked him up too.

Jeff: Man, if I bought tickets for a cruise and Ron Dante was the entertainment, I would fucking kill somebody.

Jason: You’d jump off the ship?

Jeff: Jump off? With an open bar? Don’t be stupid. I said I’d kill SOMEONE.

Jason: Dammit. I was hoping you’d jump off. I’m already on the cruise line page, ready to buy you a ticket.

Jeff: Does Ron bring Kelly-Lynn and Danielle on these cruises?

Jason: I’m glad you asked.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: There he is! He actually looks pretty good. Well preserved.

Jeff: There is no God.

Jason: Only Jughead.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: “Archie’s Christmas Party” or “Here Comes Santa Claus.” Both feature a sliver of Dante. Take your pick.

Jeff: I have “Party” cued up.

Jason: Okay. Let’s give our readers what they deserve! More Archies!

The Archies — Archie’s Christmas Party (download)

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jason: Oooh, tambourine! I think that’s Betty singing. Just FYI.

Jeff: Again, I am filled with hate.

Jason: It’s Archie’s Christmas Partyyyyy! We’re gonna have fun! Clap! Clap clap!

Jeff: I wonder if it’s a rainbow party?

Jason: Betty and Veronica will sing along! Archie will stand around and eat pureed food! Reggie will give Hot Dog a reacharound!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Wait, they just promised us “famous names.”

Jeff: Do these people really think they’re jump-starting the franchise with this record?

Jason: I have no idea.

Jeff: No one is going to buy this. I’m surprised you didn’t get a signed letter from Ron Dante.

Jason: I thought Ron Dante would be driving the UPS truck! Still no Archie on this track, though.

Jeff: Oh, there he is.

Jeff: I think I hear his gums rattling.

Jason: He actually sounds pretty good, all things considered. Like, you know, his AGE.

Jeff: Jesus Christ, this is lame.

Jason: Archie’s Christmas Party! COME ON! COME ON! Archie’s Christmas Party!

Jason: I wonder what Ron Dante thinks when he sings this stuff.
“I get to eat tonight!”

Jeff: How badly would you want to change careers if you played on this album?

Jason: You know, I’m glad you asked that. I always think about these session musicians.

Jeff: Oh no. Did you look them up, too?

Jason: Um…maybe. I looked up the bassist. Leave me alone.

Jeff: Tell me it’s the same guy you stalked at the Air Supply concert.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! I WISH! I love that guy! The bassist plays on oldies cruises. I’m not sure if he plays with Ron Dante, though. Probably.

Jeff: In more ways than one!

Jason: ZING!

Jeff: ZANG! So anyway, those songs suck.

Jason: True dat.

Jeff: Just like everything else on this horrible album.

Jason: But that’s why we feature them this Mellowmas.

Jeff: It’s the Mellowmas spirit.

Jason: And that’s why I sent them to you. Enjoy, asshole. Merry Mellowmas.

Jeff: I hope you choke on that smug grin you’re wearing, dickhole. Merry Mellowmas to you.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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