Jeff: I do want to say that I think it’s funny how often we keep coming back to Dolly. Is this the second or third time we’ve covered something Parton-related? I think it’s the third.

Jason: I thought it was the second! Did I forget the other one?

Jeff: Didn’t we cover two of her duets with Chicken Beard?

Jason: I only remember doing “I Believe in Santa Claus.” Did I block the other one out of my memory?

Jeff: I think you might have. Was “I Believe in Santa Claus” the one with the terrifying ski lodge video? Because that would bump a few things out of the memory banks.

Jason: No, that was the one in the shopping mall with Kenny dressed as Santa. But now I’m totally remembering what you’re talking about!

Jeff: I feel sort of guilty, because Dolly seems like such a nice person. But she keeps releasing such bad Christmas music.

Jason: Yes! We did “A Christmas To Remember!”

Jeff: Dollytoe!

Jason: Yes!

Jeff: shudder

Jason: I wouldn’t feel guilty. Look at that cover.


Jason: I mean, who is that? Is that Dolly Parton?

Jeff: It’s Dolly after she was attacked by an airbrush, I think.

Jason: She looks like The Joker.

Jeff: Is her face frozen like that?

Jason: Look at her lips. Look at that facial expression.

Jeff: And those eyebrows! Holy shit!

Jason: And is that a mole on her face? I thought it was dust on my screen, but then I moved the image and the dust mark stayed where it was.

Jeff: I think it’s butterfly poop.

Jason: Her facial expression, I would imagine, is supposed to say “I wonder what’s in this package?” But all I’m seeing her saying is “Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: I supposed we have to listen sooner or later, don’t we?

Jeff: I suppose we must. This is just a single, right? I mean, you aren’t going to spring another track on me after this is over, are you?

Jason: As far as I know, this is just a single. But even if it’s not, I promise you: no more Dollytoe after today.

Jeff: That’s a promise you may not be able to keep, but okay. I feel better. You can’t see me crossing my fingers and hoping Dolly covers “Last Christmas” next year.


Jeff: Ready to…uh, comin’ home for Christmas?

Jason: I wonder if there’s any correlation to the title and the fact that she’s surrounded by balls in the picture.

Jeff: Ha! And a box!

Dolly Parton — Comin’ Home for Christmas (download)


From Comin’ Home for Christmas (single)

Jeff: Glittery!

Jason: Oh man.

Jeff: Christmas on the stove?

Jason: Dolly’s burning Christmas!

Jeff: This is amazingly over the top. Also, is it just me, or does she sound the tiniest bit like Stevie Nicks in spots?

Jason: I think you’re right. Which means that, in some weird way, she sounds like Robin Gibb. Wow, this is really, really schmaltzy.


Jason: Oh man, that choir needs to take a hike.

Jeff: This song is fucking unbelievable, man.

Jason: I agree. She’s working way, way too hard.

Jeff: Whoever wrote it was, too. It feels like six shitty Christmas songs lumped together. Mellowmas sausage.

Jason: Yes! Mellowmas sausage! I love it!

Jeff: Why isn’t this over yet?

Jason: What, Dolly’s career?

Jeff: Are we going to get a fiddle solo?

Jason: We’re not getting a fiddle solo, Jeff. There’s no country left in this song. We’re getting a bridge though, and here it is!

Jeff: Maybe Dolly will treat us to a motorboat solo.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How many Christmas clichÁ©s can we fit into one song? They’re all here! Did she just say “Hang your hopes on me”?

Jeff: I think she did. I was just going to ask you that.

Jason: I was PRAYING for a breast refererence!

Jeff: “See how many hopes you can hang on these girls!”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Ornaments dragging on the floor…

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! And after all that, the song just kind of limps to a finish. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Kenny Rogers.

Jason: Dolly Parton is a paradox. How can you sing songs that are supposed to evoke an earlier time when HER FACE LOOKS LIKE IT’S FROM THE FUTURE? Seriously, Dolly Parton is some kind of Terminator. And she’s just terminated Christmas. She’s terminated Christmas and skin.

Jeff: You know, I was just going to say something about McG hiring her for the next Terminator. Terminator 5: Dollytoe.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know what the scary thing is? Kenny Rogers isn’t looking much better these days. He’s got that Oompa-Loompa glow to him.

Jeff: I do remember him looking sort of orange the last time I saw him.

Jason: They should totally get together and do another album of Christmas duets. They could do videos for each one, directed by Tim Burton. A Very Botox Christmas.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! What would Johnny Depp do?

Jason: Cry in the corner? Shiver with dread? Keep them away from sunlight?

Jeff: I keep searching for an explanation for this song, but I’m not finding anything. I’m hoping it was for charity, or released without Dolly’s consent.

Jason: Searching on the Internet, or searching in your heart? Because I believe both are going to leave you empty. I’ve been staring at the cover too long. Dolly’s left eye looks like it’s not real. I mean, I guess there’s a real chance it’s not.

Jeff: I’m going to her site.

Jason: No! Don’t do it!

Jeff: Cover me!

Jason: Think of your children!

Jeff: It’s…it’s full of glitter!

Jason: Oh god! Get out while you can!

Jeff: And I just found out she recorded a song called “I Am a Rainbow”!

Jason: Oh sweet Jesus.

Jeff: When did Mariah Carey take over Dolly Parton’s brain?

Jason: Close the site. Just close it. It’s okay. We don’t need to know anything else about this song.

Jeff: She’s glowing pink now, and surrounded by butterflies. I’m not making this up.

Jason: Just let it go. I’d rather have you around for the final days of Mellowmas than lose you in Dolly’s bos…I mean, website.

Jeff: Another site! Holy shit! Dolly has, like, six sites.


Jeff: One for Dollywood, and…how did I end up here?

Jason: JEFF!

Jeff: Oh my God, Dolly has a blog!

Oh shit. I think we’ve lost him. It’s too late now.

Jeff: “Trinkets & Treasures: The Dolly Online Store!”

Jason: Jeff is stuck in some Dollytoe space-time continuum.

Jeff: So many flashing lights!

Everybody, I’m sorry, I have to cut this day of Mellowmas short. I have to call 911.

Jeff: I’m reading about the difference between “Dollyites” and “Big Wigs”!

Jason: I’m calling a Code 40-DD.

Jeff: Everything sounds like “9 to 5” here! I think I just saw Dabney Coleman!

Jason: Pray for us, everybody. Hopefully we’ll be back here tomorrow.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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