Happy ninth day of Mellowmas! Today, we’re sad to say that we’re skewering a truly brilliant artist: none other than Fats Domino. We really didn’t want to, but…well, you’ll see.

Jason: Jeff, I know you’re wondering why I picked this track.

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Jason: I mean, Fats Domino?

Jeff: Fats Domino is a legend.

Jason: He is.

Jeff: Thirty-seven Top 40 singles!

Jason: A brilliant piano player. A fine, fine musician.

Jeff: The man too tough for Katrina to beat!

Jason: A real rootsy musician.

Jeff: A humanitarian, even.

Jason: Go ahead. Start the track.

Fats Domino — Frosty the Snowman (download)

From Christmas is a Special Day (formerly Christmas Gumbo)Á‚  Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Hmm. There seems to be some kind of mistake.

Jason: Hey, we have Fats Domino in the studio! I know what we’ll do! We’ll have him sing to a DRUM MACHINE!

Jeff: And take away his piano!

Jason: SERIOUSLY! I mean, the horns are real, so we have that. But that’s about it.

Jeff: Are we sure this is Fats Domino?

Jason: It is! His vocal is okay. He sounds a bit like Shirley Q. Liquor, but the vocal’s not bad. I’m just appalled that they gave him this idiotic track.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! Shirley Q. Liquor!

Jason: I mean, it’s Fats Domino! Show some fucking respect, you know?

Jeff: Damn straight!

Jason: I mean, the bass part is right off a Casio.

Jeff: This is bullshit.

Jason: I agree.

Jeff: I blame Daryl Dragon.

Jason: Fats deserves better, doesn’t he? I just found a blog post where people just gush over this track. How can you gush over this track?

Jeff: This is one of the lamest versions of this song I have ever heard, and it’s a pretty lame song to begin with.

Jeff: I think I found the post you’re talking about. “The Fat Man Plays It Smooth for Frosty.”

Jason: That’s the one.

Jeff: “A nice, gently funky groove”?

Jason: And the version they have there is a bit different. It’s in a different key with a different intro, but the track is exactly the same. Which means either that guy’s version is slow or ours is fast. But the backing track remains the same.

Jeff: I haven’t found any other information.

Jason: I never thought this day would come — a day when a respected, genius artist like Fats Domino would wind up being part of Mellowmas. I’m getting angrier and angrier by the minute. Who produced this? What did Fats ever do to these guys? Can we light their house on fire?

Jeff:Perhaps it’s best if we listen to anything else by Fats Domino.

Jason: Even if it’s not Christmas.

Jeff: Absolutely. I’d rather hear Richie Cunningham singing “Blueberry Hill” at this point.

Oh my God, look at this.

Jason: Wow. It gets stellar reviews! Released in ’93?

Jeff: One commenter describes it as “chocolate frosting on an already yummy musical cake,” or something like that. Fats has awful, awful fans.

Jason: Am I crazy here? Be honest. Because everybody seems to love this, and I don’t get it. I mean, where’s the PIANO?

Jeff: I’ve had it on a loop since we started talking about it, and I’m probably not the best person to judge anyone’s sanity at this point. I’m terribly disillusioned.

Jason: Yeah, I know.

Jeff: Fats cut an entire Christmas album, and this was on it. He must have wanted to do it.

Jason: I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do this to you. Or anybody else.
I love Fats.

Jeff: Well, look at the bright side — everyone else will probably love it.

Jason: Okay. So if our readers love it, are you going to jump to their side or are you standing strong with me on the “what the shit is this?” side?

Jeff: It just started in my headphones again. I’m definitely standing strong. This sucks.

Jason: Thank you. Hippity hop hop.

Jeff: I hope you had massive gambling debts, Fats. Or were behind on your child support payments or something. ANYTHING.

Jason: I’m afraid the reason was like, “I love Christmas, and I think the technology in some of these new 48-note Casios is just stunning.”

Jeff: Sigh

Jason: Or “I love Christmas, and I thought, who needs real drums? Or bass? Or piano?” I’m just sad now.

Jeff: It’s starting again.

Jason: I’m going back to watching a video of “Ain’t That a Shame.”

Jeff: I’m going to claw my headphones off and go lie down for awhile. Thanks for passing this along, you fucker.

Jason: Hippity hop hop, buddy.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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