Every once in a while, a beautiful (mostly) instrumental Christmas album is released. And then, every once in a while, a curveball is inserted smack into the middle of the tracklist. Observe!

Jerry Douglas — Santa Claus is Coming to Town (download)


From Jerry Christmas (Get it?)  null

Jeff: Oh God.

Jason: …Cookie Monster?

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Who is this and why does he want to steal my soul?

Jeff: This is not cool. I was expecting a couple minutes of pleasant bluegrass.

Jason: Is this what you do when you can’t afford Tom Waits?

Jeff: How can you not afford Tom Waits? I’m pretty sure all you have to do is leave a trail of old tennis balls and chewed up cigars.

Jason: I don’t know what to think of this. It’s alternately pretty and creepy. So I guess it’s pretty creepy. Oh, THERE’S Jerry Douglas on the track, I suppose.

Jeff: Okay, so that transition from the vocal to the solo was pretty terrific.

Jason: Yeah, the solo was pretty good.

Jeff: It’s like two different songs.

Jason: Was that Jerry Douglas?

Jeff: I hope so. It’s his name on the song.

Jason: I think I’ve only heard him play whatever that instrument is that he plays.

Jeff: He plays a resophonic — maybe that’s what you’re thinking of.

Jason: Well, that’s over. 2:11 is apparently enough time to give me nightmares for the rest of the holiday season.

Jeff: I’d love to know what the hell Jerry Douglas was thinking when he decided to record this.

Jason: I’ve seen him play with Union Station.

Jeff: Did he look like the Devil?

Jason: No, he looks like a carpenter, like all the other bluegrass musicians.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This song is just…so…weird.

Jason: Well, the rest of the album is quite pretty.

Jeff: I could understand it if the whole thing wanted to be funny, or creepy. But it sounds like he sat down to record a straight version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” and fell on his throat.

Jason: “Jerry plays a variety of resonator and slide guitars, and Maura O’Connell guests on vocals.”

Jeff: Oh, so THAT’S who that is.

Jason: I will bet you $100 that is not Maura O’Connell.

Jeff: “Maura O’Connell has had a tracheostomy.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I guess it could be a girl. Your mother sounds like this when she first gets up in the morning, after her first cigarette.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m laughing.

Jason: You know she does.

Jeff: deep sigh

Jason: She’s all like “ARRRRRGH! GIVE ME MY MEDICATIONS!” ‘Cause your mom takes medications.

Jeff: Did you let the bottle of Kahlua on the nightstand run out? She gets dry throat without her Kahlua. Also, my mom plays a mean dobro.

Jason: She threw the Kahlua bottle at the door last night. Shattered into a thousand pieces. Just because I wouldn’t let her get a second Big Mac. And when you say your mom plays a mean dobro, is “dobro” code for something else?

Jeff: No, but “carpenter” is. Wakka wakka wakka!

Jason: I don’t get it.

Jeff: Works…with wood…Goddamn, you’re stupid.

Jason: Oh! I get it now! cough

Jeff: This is what I get for making sex jokes with a virgin.

Jason: Any day now, I’m going to get to second base. I know it. Until then, I’d like to recommend this album to our readers. It’s actually quite beautiful.

Jeff: And it has a clever title! JERRY Christmas! Do you get THAT, you thick fuck?

Jason: I did, but I was hoping against hope it was a Jerry Lewis album.

Jeff: Ooooooh!

Jason: To go with my Jim Nabors album.

Jeff: “Hey, lady! Merry Christmas, lady!”

Jason: You know Jerry Douglas is touring behind this album, right?

Jeff: Is he opening for Kenny Rogers on his umpteenth holiday tour? I bet you’d go see that.

Jason: I would not, unless Lionel was going to be there. Do you know who’s joining him on the tour? Other than your mom, listed in the program as “batting cleanup”?

Jeff: Tom Waits?

Jason: Oates!

Jeff: Get out!

Jason: I’m serious!

Jeff: Way to go, little guy! I bet Jerry Douglas will let Oates sing more than one song.

Jason: And do you know why Oates is touring with Jerry Douglas?

Jeff: Because he finally got fed up with Daryl Hall?

Jason: Could be. I actually don’t know why. It was a genuine question. I thought Oates was sitting around waiting for Icehouse to reunite.

Jeff: I’ve always thought Oates thought of music as his hobby, actually. I think he thinks his real job is counting his money and mountain biking. Or perhaps conditioning his luxurious hair.

Jason: That’s a great job. Biking and counting your money? I do at least one of those.

Jeff: So I’m glad he’s out there performing, no matter who it’s with. I’d like to see Oates with everyone, really.

Jason: I’m sure it’ll be a nice tour. Jerry Douglas is the man.

Jeff: John Oates with the surviving Doors! John Oates with Van Halen!

Jason: We should totally arrange a Mellowmas tour! All the artists can get together and make our ears bleed!

Jeff: John Oates with Black Sabbath!

Jason: Wing & Oates! Every artist would have to add “& Oates” to their name.

Jeff: That “& Oates” thing is a killer idea for Oates’ next solo album. John Oates, standing on Christopher Cross’ shoulders so he can put a star on top of the tree!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Cross gnawing at his sneaker, wondering if it’s edible!


Jason: Ha ha ha ha! For our new readers, we have a thing about linking Christopher Cross to Taco Bell products.

Jeff: I wish we had enough clout to arrange for an album of Oates singing backup with other singers.

Jason: Dude, we don’t even have enough clout to arrange to talk to Oates. We interviewed his mustache.

Jeff: We could call it Listen Carefully, Daryl. And then we’d release an entire album of Daryl vamping at the end of “Wait for Me.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! What were we talking about in the first place? Jerry Douglas? Tom Waits?

Jeff: Who?

Jason: Cookie Monster?

Jeff: Whatever. I’m sure it wasn’t important anyway. Want a sugar cookie and some eggnog?

Jason: Yeah, hang on. Let me just get your mother out the door.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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