Jason: Oh, good. Another “A Very Special Christmas” compilation. When the hell are they going to stop making these?
Jeff: Never, I hope. What will we do for material?
Jason: And the scary thing is, today’s track comes from #5, from 2001! We covered #7 last year!
Jeff: 2001, you say? Why, it must contain some of our most unfavorite bands from the late ’90s!
Jason: Anybody else remember when the phrase “very special” meant something? Because A Very Special Christmas 5 includes artists such as City High, Powder and SR-71. Or as I like to call them, Who? Who?? and Who the Fuck???
Jeff: I remember SR-71, but I swear on your mother’s ass I’ve never heard of the other two.
Jason: I actually remember City High. If you heard their hit single, “What Would You Do?” you’d remember it.
Jeff: I will not hear their hit single, “What Would You Do?”
Jason: I see that B.B. King and John Popper cover “Back Door Santa,” which is just disgusting. The Last Two People On Earth I Want To Hear Making Sexual Innuendos To Anal Sex.
Jeff: I think one of John Popper’s Back Door Santas once ruptured a sewer main. harmonica solo
Jeff: wipes tear from eye Ahhh. I hate you, John Popper.
Jason: …and there’s your Facebook quote for the day, friends! But we are not covering any of these artists today.
Jeff: Yeah, I kind of figured.
Jason: No, today we are covering Eve 6.
Jeff: What the hell is an Eve 6? Wait, I just looked it up.
Jason: Then you probably know they are sometimes known as EVÆŽ 6.
Jeff: Whoa. How did you do that? That was more interesting than all of Eve 6’s songs put together.
Jason: Ancient secret called Cut and Paste From Wikipedia.
Jeff: Here’s the sum total of my Eve 6 knowledge. Are you ready?
Jason: Ready.
Jeff: 1. They took their name from an “X-Files” episode, which automatically makes them assholes.
2. They had their second and last hit with “Here’s to the Night,” an annoying graduation anthem that I’m willing to bet was released right around the time Vitamin C briefly extended HER shitty career with HER annoying graduation anthem.
Jason: I actually have Eve 6 knowledge. I own two of their albums. I actually think they’re pretty good. I have always liked “Inside Out” enough that, despite its popularity, I always like hearing it. My band does a cover of it. I like their song “Promise,” too, even though it’s the exact same song as “Inside Out.”
Jeff: 3. My favorite part: “Eve 6 played their final show together on July 15, 2004 in front of a tiny crowd under the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.” Wait, how are there more than two Eve 6 albums?
Jason: Beats me. I have two. I don’t know which two, but I do listen to them from time to time. They’re a bit too clever for their own good sometimes, but they do have talent. However, like you, I hate that fucking “Here’s to the Night.”
Jeff: I love that the ’90s started with Kurt Cobain wearing a t-shirt that said “CORPORATE ROCK SUCKS,” and ended with Eve 6, Stroke 9, and Three Doors Down.
Jason: No, Jeff. The ’90s started with two dashingly handsome and not-yet-pudgy twins named Matthew and Gunnar. But we’re getting off-topic here.
Jeff: We MOST CERTAINLY ARE.
Jason: The point is, I like Eve 6, and I am looking forward to hearing their take on a Christmas song.
Jeff: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.
Jason: Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Jeff: Also, now I have Nelson’s “Love and Affection” stuck in my head. When do I get to die?
Jason: If you want to die now, that’s fine with me. Less Mellowmas for us to cover. I get to see my wife again.
Jeff: I’m not letting you off the hook that easily, you Eve 6-loving son of a bitch. I’m rolling up my sleeves. Let’s do this. What did Eve 6 do for A Very Special Christmas? Please let it be “The 6 Days of Christmas.”
Jason: Come on, Eve 6! Let’s show Jeff what you got! Give ’em a little…wait, what the hell is “Noel! Noel!” ? I don’t think I know that song. Oh well. No matter.
Jeff: I think Noel is the president of the Eve 6 fan club.
Jason: Rock it, EVÆŽ 6! Ready?
Jeff: sigh Ready.
Jason: Go! Uh….
Jeff: THE FIRST NOEL, THE ANGELS DID SAY
Jason: Um…
Jeff: I WANTED TO KICK, THE LEAD SINGER OF EVE 6 IN THE TEETH. NOEL! NOEL! I HATE EVE 6
Jason: Well….
You see, they…
Jeff: BORN IS MY FIST IN EVE 6’S FUCKING FACE. BDDDDDDRDDDDDDDDDDDDDRRRRRRR
Jason: I…
Jeff: I’m going to sleep. This is bullshit. Screw you and your phony rock ‘n’ roll, Eve 6.
Jason: Okay.
Jeff: I hope you Noel off a cliff.
Jason: I, uh, have no idea who this is. This is not the Eve 6 I remember.
Jeff: I can help you. I know what this is: This is stupid.
Jason: Yeah, I know what it is too. You want to know?
Jeff: Self-indulgent nonsense from a band that will never earn the right to record it?
Jason: THIS IS TÆŽRRIBLÆŽ
Jeff: Yes! Yes, exactly!
Jason: That has GOT to be fake crowd noise at the end, right?
Jeff: Jesus, how hard up must the Very Special Christmas folks have been to take this? I mean…even in 2001, how far down the Rolodex do you have to go before you’re calling Eve 6?
Jason: It had to be fake crowd noise. If it had been real, we would have heard glass bottles hitting the stage.
Jeff: “Hey, Jerry, the Spin Doctors changed their number. What do I do?”
Jason: Maybe this is why they broke up. Maybe people demanded their money back.
Jeff: I hope you’re ashamed of yourself for owning two Eve 6 albums.
Jason: I’m not. I stand by those albums. But this sucks bigtime.
Jeff: And on so many levels, too. Such as: the phony British accent.
Jason: We didn’t even talk about the “I like Christmas!” part they wrote in.
Jeff: I was just about to list that under the “parts that suck bigtime” part of the program. Along with the BDDDDDDDDRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDRRR.
Jason: I liked that noise. It reminded me of your mother’s motorboat game. Just with less resonance.
Jeff: I told her to stop doing that with your thighs. It isn’t your fault you have a thyroid problem.
Jason: Well, congrats, Eve 6. I’m no longer a fan.
Jeff: FINALLY.
Jason: You decided to sound drunk and obnoxious on a Christmas album, which would have been barely acceptable if you had displayed any talent on the recording.
Jeff: Now if we can only do something about this Richard Marx problem…
Jason: Funny you say that. I was going to say before that I had hoped “Here’s to the Night” was actually a re-worked cover of “Hold On to the Nights.”
Jeff: “Hold On to the Night Before Christmas.”
Jason: “Right Here Waiting For the Man With The Bag.”
Jeff: “Kwanzaa Don’t Mean Nothing.”
Jason: “Angelia Claus.”
Jeff: “Right Here Waiting for the Stuff on My Christmas List.”
Jason: Wow, this conversation took a surprising left turn. You will do anything not to talk about Eve 6 anymore.
Jeff: Anything except listen to more Eve 6.
Jason: HAPPY MÆŽLLOWMAS!
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