Every year, the two of us listen to dozens of awful holiday tracks for Mellowmas, frantically downloading and sending them back and forth to each other (along with a fury of expletives). With so many songs at our disposal, it’s inevitable that a song will fall through the cracks and surprise us both. Here’s this year’s Mellowmas failure, though we’ll be more than happy if you disagree.

Lady Gaga Featuring Space Cowboy — Christmas Tree (download)


Available as a single from null

Jeff: Oh, wow.

Jason: Um, Jeff? I have bad news. Sad news, even. I can barely say it out loud.

Jeff: I’ll say it for both of us. This is AWESOME.

Jason: Wait…you like it too?

Jeff: This is like a technicolor Mellowmas nightmare.

Jason: I actually really like it!

Jeff: Light me up, put me on top, let’s fa la la la la la la! Ho ho ho under the mistletoe!

Jason: We will take off our clothes if you want us to, we will!

Jeff: Oh, shit! I’m totally giving this to Leah’s grandmother!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: This is outstanding. I only wish Bing Crosby could hear it. Did she just say “take off my stockings — here, I’m spreading Christmas cheer”?

Jason: I don’t know. I just figured out what the guy was saying a second ago: “Light you up, put you on top, let’s fa la la la la la la la la.” I thought he was saying “Light you up, but you are topless, fa la la la la la la la la.” I like my version better.

Jeff: Cherry cherry, boom boom!

Jason: …And it’s already over!

Jeff: WOW.

Jason: Damn, that was quick!

Jeff: Hey, she said what she had to say.

Jason: So seriously, what did you think?

Jeff: I love it! It’s ridiculous!

Jason: Because a friend gave it to me last year, and I didn’t give it much of a listen, but this year, for some reason, I love it.

Jeff: Last year? Really? I thought this came out in March. Which made me love the idea of it, certainly.

Jason: It was released on iTunes in March, but it must have come out earlier, because I know I got it for Christmas last year.

Jeff: I don’t have a problem with Lady Gaga, because I don’t listen to the radio. I’ve never heard “Poker Face” in its entirety. Never heard “Bad Romance.” Never heard anything from her first album, actually.

Jason: I really wasn’t on Team Gaga until I saw her on Saturday Night Live. She won me over. I was impressed with her piano skills, and she effectively worked the crowd, which is a very hard thing to do on SNL.

Jeff: I just reviewed her new EP-ish thing, and I liked it.

Jason: She seems to have a good sense of humor, which I also like. And that’s evidenced on this track.

Jeff: Yeah, absolutely. And she can write a solid hook, too. So Lady Gaga is this year’s Paul Carrack, then?

Jason: Oh my God, I think so. She’s our Mellowmas failure of 2009.

Jeff: Has Lady Gaga been tempted by the fruit of another?

Jason: Har har har! sad horn

Jeff: I was just seized with the urge to hear Paul Carrack covering “Poker Face.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Oh, that would be so cool. Paul Carrack, if you’re listening, cover “Poker Face” immediately.

Jason: Paul Carrack, if you’re listening, throw something at Timothy B. Schmit. Everyone compares Lady Gaga with Madonna. Do you think she’ll have that kind of longevity? I’m doubting it.

Jeff: I think Lady Gaga is a lot more fun than Madonna. Longevity? I don’t know.

Jason: Hard to say in 2009 terms.

Jeff: Yeah, I mean, if she gets to make four albums and they all sell relatively well, then that’s the modern equivalent of Madonna’s longevity.

Jason: Good point.

Jeff: She can get a head start by adopting an African baby. And divorcing Guy Ritchie. Or Sean Penn. That dude is back on the market.

Jason: I still think “Light you up, but you are topless, fa la la la la la la la la” is better than anything she actually wrote. Like, I was going to light you up, but you have no top on. So we’ll just sing.

Jeff: I can’t find anything wrong with this song at all. I want to listen to it all year.

Jason: That’s quite a relief to me. I was so scared that I was going to have to admit to you that I liked it, and you were going to mock me all Mellowmas for it.

Jeff: Now we’ll both get mocked. I gave Lady Gaga’s latest three and a half stars, and that drunken cracker Jeff Vrabel has been giving me shit about it for weeks.

Jason: That guy can barely write with punctuation. Don’t take him seriously.

Jeff: Whenever he isn’t passed out next to the jukebox at his local Waffle House, that is.

Jason: I’m looking forward to reading people’s opinions on this track. I’m sure some people are going to hate it. And seriously, I listened to it last year, and gave it one star in iTunes. This year, it gets four. So while I’m glad you re-sent it to me and I listened, this TOTALLY SCREWS UP MY ENTIRE CHRISTMAS RATING SYSTEM.

Jeff: It’s a Mellowmas miracle!

Jason: What if there are other one-star songs in iTunes that deserve more?

Jeff: You’ll have to listen to everything again!

Jason: Do you know how many one-star holiday songs I have in iTunes right now? Take a guess.

Jeff: How many tracks does Everyone Sings Carols with Wing have?

Jason: 10, and they’re all on there. Go ahead, guess.

Jeff: 45?

Jason: 483 songs, Jeff. That includes the entirety of the Dan Fogelberg Christmas album, the Captain and Tennille Christmas album, The Singing Saw at Christmas Time

Jeff: 482 one-star songs?!?

Jason: That’s right. That’s just holiday stuff.

Jeff: No wonder you’ve been in such a bad mood all year. Well, I’m glad we finally got to listen to something awesome, even if it was accidentally. It gets bonus points for being borderline pornographic.

Jason: Me too. I think I’m just going to have to be comfortable with all those one-star songs in iTunes. Thank you for sending me Lady Gaga, Jeff. It was a thoughtful present. Even though you hadn’t listened to it before you sent it.

Jeff: You’re welcome, Jason. Merry Mellowmas.

Jason: More like Merry Mellowmas Failure.

Jeff: A Christmas song with performers named Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy? Who needs to listen first?

Jason: Sorry, everybody. Hopefully all the other tracks will be crap. Or maybe you think this one is crap. If so, we’ve probably redeemed the day a little.

Jeff: Either way, I’m listening to this for the rest of the day. Pa rum pa pum pum.

Jason: Cherry cherry, boom boom!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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