The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Last Gleemas

Jason: Wait a minute, what is this?

Jeff: It’s a Christmas album tie-in to one of the hottest shows on television!

Jason: “Last Christmas” by the cast of Glee? There are two things wrong here. First of all, I think I’ve told you this for the past three years: I never need to hear a version of “Last Christmas” that’s not by Wham!.

Jeff: Which is why I keep sending you new ones.

Jason: Second of all, I can’t STAND the Auto-Tune that Glee insists on using on every single track, even if it’s unnecessary.

Jeff: As you may know, I’ve only seen one episode of this show. So I’m not really familiar with what they do, except in a vague “I don’t want to watch Glee” sense.

Jason: I watched the first half of the first season.

Jeff: And you bought the issue of GQ with the Glee cast photoshoot.

Jason: Yes, but only because I was oddly fascinated by Lea Michele’s face.

Jeff: Lea Michele is sort of a butterface, isn’t she?

Jason: To paraphrase Family Guy, it looked liked someone threw up in a shoe.

Jeff: Yeah, she’s no Alison Brie. When is SHE going to make a Christmas album?

Jason: LOVE Alison Brie.

Jeff: uncomfortable extended silence

Jason: I enjoyed a few episodes of Glee. I could even suspend disbelief like you do when you’re watching musicals — when songs start out of nowhere. But the Auto-Tune drove me insane.

Jeff: Yeah, I know what you mean. But we’re obviously in the minority. This is how I felt about drum machines in the ’80s.

Jason: There were some other things about the show that totally pissed me off, too, but I can’t remember what they were. I actually did intend to continue watching it, but I fell behind and just gave up. It wasn’t important enough to me.

Jeff: Look at the bright side, though. These kids are supposedly actual singers, right? I mean, last year, didn’t we have to listen to Leighton Meester do this song?

Jason: What the hell is a Leighton Meester?

Jeff: I think I found one growing in a Tupperware in my fridge this morning.

Jason: Actually, last Christmas (ha!), it was Ashley Tisdale. And to my dismay, I liked it. A bunch. Although I just put it on for a second, and I can’t remember what I liked about it. Maybe I was just worn down when we listened to it last year.

Jeff: I always look forward to the “Last Christmas” part of Mellowmas.

Jason: I always hate it.

Jeff: You’re a “Last Christmas” expert.

Jason: I am.

Jeff: This is you, in your element.

Jason: I have, like, three different versions by Wham!. “Single Mix,” “Pudding Mix” (you don’t want to know), “Instrumental Mix”…

Jeff: It’s fascinating to watch you go to work, dissecting every moment of this song.

Jason: Well, I have to sing it every year as part of the Acoustic ’80s Christmas show.

Jeff: You should use Auto-Tune this year.

Jason: Ha! That would actually be kind of awesome! Maybe you could buy me Auto-Tune for Christmas, right after the talkbox.

Jeff: First I’m buying you an electric ukulele.

Jason: You are? Wow!

Jeff: Then the Auto-Tune on top. And a reindeer sweater and a wheelchair, so you can do a Glee/Israel KamakawiwoÊ»ole “Last Christmas” mash-up.

Jason: I’ll start a Crisco diet now.

Jeff: What did I just write? I don’t even know. Mellowmas is killing me.

Jason: Maybe we should just listen to the song. Although watching you get delirious is kind of enjoyable.

Jeff: sigh

Glee Cast — Last Christmas (download)

From Glee: The Music, The Christmas Album

Jeff: Flange!

Jason: Oh God. Kill me. Kill me now. SHUT UP GLEE KIDS

Jeff: pops popcorn

Jason: Is this Lea Michele? I’m guessing it is. You don’t need to Auto-Tune Lea Michele, people! She can sing already! That’s been proven!

Jeff: Hold on, I’m checking…yes, I just got diabetes.

Jason: I was just going to say. This is ridiculously saccharine.

Jeff: Also, my teeth are falling out.

Jason: Those fucking ‘bum bums” in the background are driving me nuts.

Jeff: This makes Glenn Medeiros sound like Anthrax.

Jason: I’m guessing the guy voice is the jock guy.

Jeff: I don’t like this. I don’t like it one bit. It’s like having a marshmallow kicked in my ear. Actually, that gives me an idea.

Jason: Tell me. Please. Anything.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m putting marshmallows in my ears. Ahh, much better.

Jason: But you’re missing the “bum bum” part!

Jeff: Pretty sure I got a deep whiff of the “bum bum.”

Jason: Ha! You can take them out now. It’s over.

Jeff: Well, that was wretched.

Jason: It was just…overdone. In every sense of the word.

Jeff: And yet I’m sure it’s at or near the top of the iTunes charts.

Jason: Oh, of course. Isn’t this, like, the equivalent of the Monkees or something?

Jeff: If Glee is the modern equivalent of the Monkees, then it proves everything old people say about the world getting worse.

Jason: I guess that makes the kid in the wheelchair Peter Tork.

Jeff: I think it makes the kid in the wheelchair the drummer from the New Monkees. Oh, wait, no — it makes him Marty Ross!

Jason: Hey, watch what you say about the New Monkees, Jeff! That guy has two houses!

Jeff: So is this better or worse than Ashley Tisdale’s version?

Jason: It’s worse. Way worse.

Jeff: Huh.

Jason: I want to present you with a defense of Tisdale right now, but I just can’t. I can’t remember what I liked about it and I’m not willing to listen to two different versions of “Last Christmas” IN A ROW to remind myself. All I know is I want you to stop sending me this song.

Jeff: I will. For one year.

Jason: Fine. One year. Deal?

Jeff: Just imagine what we’ll have waiting for us next year! I can’t wait to send you the iCarly version.

Jason: What the hell is an iCarly?

Jeff: I think it’s related to a Leighton Meester.

Jason: Somewhere, Jon Cummings is shaking his head.

Jeff: And preparing a three-paragraph dissertation on the differences between Glee, Leighton Meester, and iCarly.

Jason: Good. Let him figure it out. I’m going back to bed.

Jeff: I, uh, have an issue of GQ to read.

Jason: Ha ha ha! Ewwwwwwwww!