Before we kick off today’s round of exquisite Mellowmas torture, how about some discount music and a contest? Our friends at Rhino are celebrating the Twelve Days of Chri — er, Rhino, and for the sixth day, they’re not only offering a whopping 40% discount on the five-CD Chicago box set, but they’re giving away a $25 promo code to one lucky Popdose reader! Here’s what you need to do to enter:

Visit the Rhino site and find out how much you need to spend to get free shipping on your order. Then email the answer to Kelly Stitzel with the subject line “I know a Rhino.” Our winner will be chosen at random, and all entries must be received by noon PST tomorrow. Good luck!

Jason: Wait a minute, what is this?

Jeff: It’s a Christmas album tie-in to one of the hottest shows on television!

Jason: “Last Christmas” by the cast of Glee? There are two things wrong here. First of all, I think I’ve told you this for the past three years: I never need to hear a version of “Last Christmas” that’s not by Wham!.

Jeff: Which is why I keep sending you new ones.

Jason: Second of all, I can’t STAND the Auto-Tune that Glee insists on using on every single track, even if it’s unnecessary.

Jeff: As you may know, I’ve only seen one episode of this show. So I’m not really familiar with what they do, except in a vague “I don’t want to watch Glee” sense.

Jason: I watched the first half of the first season.

Jeff: And you bought the issue of GQ with the Glee cast photoshoot.

Jason: Yes, but only because I was oddly fascinated by Lea Michele’s face.

Jeff: Lea Michele is sort of a butterface, isn’t she?

Jason: To paraphrase Family Guy, it looked liked someone threw up in a shoe.

Jeff: Yeah, she’s no Alison Brie. When is SHE going to make a Christmas album?

Jason: LOVE Alison Brie.

Jeff: uncomfortable extended silence

Jason: I enjoyed a few episodes of Glee. I could even suspend disbelief like you do when you’re watching musicals — when songs start out of nowhere. But the Auto-Tune drove me insane.

Jeff: Yeah, I know what you mean. But we’re obviously in the minority. This is how I felt about drum machines in the ’80s.

Jason: There were some other things about the show that totally pissed me off, too, but I can’t remember what they were. I actually did intend to continue watching it, but I fell behind and just gave up. It wasn’t important enough to me.

Jeff: Look at the bright side, though. These kids are supposedly actual singers, right? I mean, last year, didn’t we have to listen to Leighton Meester do this song?

Jason: What the hell is a Leighton Meester?

Jeff: I think I found one growing in a Tupperware in my fridge this morning.

Jason: Actually, last Christmas (ha!), it was Ashley Tisdale. And to my dismay, I liked it. A bunch. Although I just put it on for a second, and I can’t remember what I liked about it. Maybe I was just worn down when we listened to it last year.

Jeff: I always look forward to the “Last Christmas” part of Mellowmas.

Jason: I always hate it.

Jeff: You’re a “Last Christmas” expert.

Jason: I am.

Jeff: This is you, in your element.

Jason: I have, like, three different versions by Wham!. “Single Mix,” “Pudding Mix” (you don’t want to know), “Instrumental Mix”…

Jeff: It’s fascinating to watch you go to work, dissecting every moment of this song.

Jason: Well, I have to sing it every year as part of the Acoustic ’80s Christmas show.

Jeff: You should use Auto-Tune this year.

Jason: Ha! That would actually be kind of awesome! Maybe you could buy me Auto-Tune for Christmas, right after the talkbox.

Jeff: First I’m buying you an electric ukulele.

Jason: You are? Wow!

Jeff: Then the Auto-Tune on top. And a reindeer sweater and a wheelchair, so you can do a Glee/Israel KamakawiwoÊ»ole “Last Christmas” mash-up.

Jason: I’ll start a Crisco diet now.

Jeff: What did I just write? I don’t even know. Mellowmas is killing me.

Jason: Maybe we should just listen to the song. Although watching you get delirious is kind of enjoyable.

Jeff: sigh

Glee Cast — Last Christmas (download)

From Glee: The Music, The Christmas Album

Jeff: Flange!

Jason: Oh God. Kill me. Kill me now. SHUT UP GLEE KIDS

Jeff: pops popcorn

Jason: Is this Lea Michele? I’m guessing it is. You don’t need to Auto-Tune Lea Michele, people! She can sing already! That’s been proven!

Jeff: Hold on, I’m checking…yes, I just got diabetes.

Jason: I was just going to say. This is ridiculously saccharine.

Jeff: Also, my teeth are falling out.

Jason: Those fucking ‘bum bums” in the background are driving me nuts.

Jeff: This makes Glenn Medeiros sound like Anthrax.

Jason: I’m guessing the guy voice is the jock guy.

Jeff: I don’t like this. I don’t like it one bit. It’s like having a marshmallow kicked in my ear. Actually, that gives me an idea.

Jason: Tell me. Please. Anything.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m putting marshmallows in my ears. Ahh, much better.

Jason: But you’re missing the “bum bum” part!

Jeff: Pretty sure I got a deep whiff of the “bum bum.”

Jason: Ha! You can take them out now. It’s over.

Jeff: Well, that was wretched.

Jason: It was just…overdone. In every sense of the word.

Jeff: And yet I’m sure it’s at or near the top of the iTunes charts.

Jason: Oh, of course. Isn’t this, like, the equivalent of the Monkees or something?

Jeff: If Glee is the modern equivalent of the Monkees, then it proves everything old people say about the world getting worse.

Jason: I guess that makes the kid in the wheelchair Peter Tork.

Jeff: I think it makes the kid in the wheelchair the drummer from the New Monkees. Oh, wait, no — it makes him Marty Ross!

Jason: Hey, watch what you say about the New Monkees, Jeff! That guy has two houses!

Jeff: So is this better or worse than Ashley Tisdale’s version?

Jason: It’s worse. Way worse.

Jeff: Huh.

Jason: I want to present you with a defense of Tisdale right now, but I just can’t. I can’t remember what I liked about it and I’m not willing to listen to two different versions of “Last Christmas” IN A ROW to remind myself. All I know is I want you to stop sending me this song.

Jeff: I will. For one year.

Jason: Fine. One year. Deal?

Jeff: Just imagine what we’ll have waiting for us next year! I can’t wait to send you the iCarly version.

Jason: What the hell is an iCarly?

Jeff: I think it’s related to a Leighton Meester.

Jason: Somewhere, Jon Cummings is shaking his head.

Jeff: And preparing a three-paragraph dissertation on the differences between Glee, Leighton Meester, and iCarly.

Jason: Good. Let him figure it out. I’m going back to bed.

Jeff: I, uh, have an issue of GQ to read.

Jason: Ha ha ha! Ewwwwwwwww!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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