Before we kick off today’s round of exquisite Mellowmas torture, how about some discount music and a contest? Our friends at Rhino are celebrating the Twelve Days of Chri — er, Rhino, and for the tenth day, they’re not only offering a whopping 40% discount on the limited deluxe edition of Let It Bleed, but they’re giving away a $25 promo code to one lucky Popdose reader! Here’s what you need to do to enter:

Visit the Rhino site and find out how many Grammy nominations Jeff Beck’s latest album has earned. Then email the answer to Jon Cummings with the subject line “Eddie Money Has Nominated You for President of the PTA.” Our winner will be chosen at random, and all entries must be received by noon PST tomorrow. Good luck!

Jeff: Before we get started today, we should pause and make sure everyone knows it’s Rob Smith’s fault that we have this song.

Jason: Great. Another thing we get to blame on Rob Smith, that assjack who can’t say no.

Jeff: He can’t say no to downloading Coke jingles recorded by bands that won’t go away.

Jason: So this isn’t an actual song? It’s a Coke jingle? Or is it both?

Jeff: It’s almost four minutes long, so I guess it’s an “actual song,” but Train recorded it for Coke, so it’s also kind of a jingle. I don’t want to know what kind of deal with Satan prompted a collaboration between Coke and Train, but there you go.

Jason: If they’re going to sell out, I hope they sell out big. You know, like Coke mentions every third line or something.

Jeff: It’s kind of funny that they decided to call it “Shake Up Christmas.”

Jason: Maybe their original title of “A High Fructose Corn Syrup Christmas” was rejected.

Jeff: It’d be kind of like if they recorded a Christmas song for Coors and called it “Warm, Flat Christmas.”

Jason: Or one for Red Bull entitled “You’re A Douchebag For Drinking It Christmas.”

Jeff: I mean…who associates Coke with shaking things up? Coke is about as established as you can get as a brand, first of all.

Jason: Right.

Jeff: Second, if you shake a can of Coke, you don’t really drink it so much as you end up wiping it off your face, the walls, and your clothes. I just wonder why they didn’t call it “Christmas on Ice” or something. Even “Christmas Cherry Zero” would have been better.

Jason: …because Coke told them to call it “Shake Up Christmas” and they listened?

Jeff: Excellent point.

Jason: I’m sure focus groups were involved.

Jeff: Do you have a can of Coke to shake up before we play this track? I’m aiming mine at my speakers.

Jason: My sister-in-law loves Coke Zero, so we have some in the kitchen, but right now I’m paralyzed with dread, so little good that does me.

Jeff: If it’s good enough for a Train/Coke/Sony focus group, isn’t it good enough for us and our readers?

Jason: I think you know the answer to that question. Let’s go!

Train — Shake Up Christmas (download)

From Save Me, Boundaries of Good Taste San Francisco

Jeff: This already sucks. Excellent.

Jason: Off to a douchebag start!

Jeff: It’s Christmastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahm
Oh, man. These lyrics are shitty even for the band that rhymed “Patrick Swayze.”

Jason: …Is somebody breathing heavy in the background?

Jeff: It’s Christmastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahm, Jason! Shake up the happiness!

Jason: Did he just sing “C’mon, y’all, it’s Christmas time?” These guys are from San Francisco! What are they doing saying “y’all”?

Jeff: Ho, ho, hooooooooo! You know how I can tell this is a Coke song? Because I’d like to kick the world in the nuts.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I feel like this music and this melody were lifted from another Train song. Or all other Train songs.

Jason: I’ve listened to very little Train, thankfully.

Jeff: Why is Train still around? They’re like Bon Jovi, only smaller — every time you think they’re done, they resurface, stronger than ever.

Jason: I’m fascinated by the second chance they received with “Hey Soul Sister,” but not enough to actually listen to that song from start to finish.

Jeff: I haven’t listened to more than a minute of a Train song since “Drops of Jupiter.”

Jason: So was this commissioned by Coke? It had to be, right? It’s quite pandering.

Jeff: My favorite thing about Train is that they released a live album called something like Alive At Last. Like ANYONE ON EARTH was waiting for a Train live album.

Jason: Someone must be listening to them, Jeff. It’s not me and it’s not you.

Jeff: They had to be right above Savage Garden on the list of bands anyone wanted a live album from.

Jason: Yes! And Third Eye Blind.

Jeff: I think Third Eye Blind is doing a Christmas jingle for Mello Yello.

Jason: That’d be perfect, because they sound like piss.

Jeff: “Redemption Value 5¢ Christmas.”

Jason: “Singer Pat Monahan told Reuters the new song is less about commerce and more about wanting to conjure holiday joy during tough times.”

Jeff: “Such as the tough times you will have while listening to it.”

Jason: “He added that writing a song only for commerce — meaning ‘Shake Up Christmas’ solely for a Coca-Cola ad — seemed cynical. Approaching a song that way, he said, ‘you are not going to write inspiring music.'” I’m sure the paycheck wasn’t inspiring at all, Pat.

Jeff: Does Pat Monahan understand what he’s saying?

Jason: You Botoxed douche.

Jeff: Well, I’m never buying Coke again.

Jason: Now I’m reading listener reactions to this song.


Jason: “Love PEPSI but may have to think about making a switch. If Train is with’s gotta be cool!”

Jeff: Oh, man.

Jason: “Love Christmas…Love Coke… Love Train….Awesome!!!”

Jeff: Shake it up, street teamers!

Jason: “Love it! Train is the best band! Love all their music and they are fantastic in concert.”

Jeff: I’m kind of hoping this starts a trend of corporate rock bands recording jingles for soda companies.

Jason: “LOVE train…love coke…the song gives me chills!” Okay. For the record, the only way this song could give anybody chills would be if they were actually doing coke.

Jeff: But each band would have to do a song for an age-appropriate soda. Like, Boston or Toto could do a song for Tab.

Jason: YES. I love it. Van Halen does New Coke.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! See? I have all the best ideas. Just like listening to half a dozen versions of “Last Christmas.”

Jason: Yes, except for expanding Mellowmas from 12 days to 25, you have all the best ideas. And that one. Don’t remind me, you fucker.

Jeff: Hey, I wonder if we can find more?

Jason: YOU SAID NEXT YEAR! I want to shake up a can of Coke and shove it up your ass.

Jeff: Hey, y’all! It’s Christmastaaaaaaaaaaaaaahm!

Jason: Love Train!
Love Coke!
Love Mellowmas!
throws up in mouth

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About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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