Jason: Jeff, are you awake?

Jeff: Ah, Mellowmas morn!

Jason: Is it…is it…is it here? I’m a little groggy.

Jeff: I put a little something extra in your eggnog last night.

Can you smell the holiday spirit in the air?

Jason: I can’t smell anything. My nose is all stuffed. I think Smash Mouth gave me a cold. I think I fell asleep around 4 or 5 AM, but only for about 10 minutes. Suddenly, I heard Steve Harwell yelling.

Jeff: That may have been your mom.

Jason: He was all “IZZAT YOU SANNA CLAUS???” and I think I accidentally wet the bed.

Jeff: Hey, look! The fortune cookies you left out are gone!

Jason: They….they are?

Jeff: There’s a note on the table!

Jason: There….there is?

Jeff: Let’s see what it says.

Jason: Read it to me. My eyes are all sleepy. It’s so sleepy in here.

Jeff: “Dear Jaseff & Jon,

Thank for cookies. Please enjoy my musicas.”



Jason: gasp

Jeff: gasp

Jason: OH NO! Not….not Wing!

Jeff: claps

Jason: Oh NO!

Jeff: Wing is Santa Mellow!

Jason: This is the worst Mellowmas Day EVER! This is worse than Starland Vocal Band! This is worse than “Wonderful Christmastime“!

Jeff: It’s the most perfectly logical conclusion to Mellowmas! What, I ask you, is more Mellowmas than Wing?

Jason: You know what? You’re right. I don’t want you to be right. But you’re right. It’s true. Earnest + shit = Mellowmas.

Jeff: Oh, I’m so excited. I wonder which timeless carols Wing performs on her holiday album, Everyone Sings Carols with Wing. Hmmm…let’s see…”Ca Si Na Mu”?

Jason: “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”!

Jeff: “Sheung Hai Tan II”?

Jason: “(Chinese Version).” Which is a relief, because the Korean version really weirds me out.

Jeff: “O Mio Babbino Caro”?

Jason: Wait, wait, wait. “Vision of Love”?

Jeff: That can’t be the Mariah Carey song. Can it?

Jason: “When You Believe”? That would be TWO Mariah Carey songs, Jeff.

Jeff: Which is perfect. Seeing as how Mariah Carey has actually recorded a Christmas album. And Wing could have done a song or two from that. Maybe these are different songs titled “Vision of Love” and “When You Believe.”

Jason: Hold on. I’m on the phone with the airline, booking my ticket to Sarajevo.

Jeff: Make sure they don’t seat you next to Bolton. I hear he snores.

Jason: I would take Bolton snoring in my ear over Wing singing Christmas carols.

Jeff: Fortunately, you don’t have a choice in the matter. Where should we begin? I’m so excited, I can’t pick.

Jason: Sigh

I can’t believe this. This is the way Mellowmas ends?

Okay, fine. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” (download).

Jeff: “(To Kick Wing’s Ass).”

Jason: Hey, those horns sound real.

Jeff: Nice backing!

Jason: UGH!

Jeff: Oh no!

Jason: ACK!

Jeff: Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

Jason: Did you hear the “Why?” in the background? That was me, yelling “WHY, WING? WHY!??!”

Jeff: I want you to know, it’s taking everything I have to type right now. I’m laughing so hard I can barely see. I’d love to know how this was recorded.

Jason: Oh, I think it’s obvious.

Jeff: Were those backing vocalists in the studio with Wing? Were they real?

Jason: Oh, hell no. Wing’s producer goes out and spends $5.99 on a karaoke track. $6.41 with tax.

Jeff: He sees when you are sleeping! He knows if you been back or good! I’m dancing in my chair.

Jason: Can you imagine what the karaoke backing singers would think if they heard this?

Jeff: Oh, I wish I could be there to see that.

Jason: Had they known, they might have demanded more money. I mean, the difference between the two styles is just hysterical.

Jeff: I keep hoping Wing will record an album with live musicians. Big finish! Wow!

Jason: Ooh, she’s holding out that last note! She nailed it!

Jeff: Wing’s got some lungs on her!

Jason: She nailed in that way that only Wing can nail it!

Jeff: With a fucking nail gun, right through the cerebral cortex!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Ba-DOW!

Jason: I’m starting to perk up a little.

Jeff: See?

Jason: Hang on, let me get some eggnog from my fridge. I need something to help me swallow this Percocet.

Jeff: Now you’re getting into it.

Jason: Shall we listen to another?

Jeff: Oh, let’s.

Jason: “Jingle Bells” (download)?

Jeff: I’d love to.

Jason: Okay!

Jeff: Oooh!

Jason: More real horns!

Jeff: Uptempo!

Jason: Another $6.41!

Jeff: Over sheels we go!

Jason: Laughing all the weeeey!

Jeff: Oh my God, I love this so much.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Listen to how she punches “Bells!” She’s fucking serious about jingle bells!

Jeff: Satan by my side?

Jason: And soon Miss Fencing Bright?

Jeff: I completely lost track of what she was saying back there.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is AWESOME!

Jeff: I don’t care. I’m just going with the flow.

Jason: Yeah, me too. I’m grooving a little in my chair now.

Jeff: She sounds out of breath. I wonder if her asshole producer sped up the track just to mess with Wing.

Jason: My cats are trying to flush themselves down the toilet.

Jeff: Another big finish!

Jason: What? Only 1:47? NO! Noooooo!

Jeff: Whatever. I have it on a loop.

Jason: I can’t believe what I’m saying, but that wasn’t enough.

Jeff: I’m dashing froo the snow again. Did she say “sing a snake song tonight”?

Jason: She might have! It’s Wing!

I love this. Another! Another!

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Just not “Ca Si Na Mu,” because iTunes says it’s 6:02.

Jeff: How about “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” (download)?

Jason: Okay, THOSE are synths.

Jeff: Is that David Foster on the keys?

Jason: It came upon a mit! night clear!

Jeff: So. Much. Wing. This could be none more Wing. She has Winged to 11.

Jason: I told you back during Earmageddon: I kind of love this stuff now.

Jeff: Piss on the Earth?

Jason: Hey, man. It’s Wing’s world. We just live in it.

Jeff: This sort of reminds me of going to church when I was younger.

Jason: Yeah?

Jeff: Although if Wing had been a member of my church, I’d still be there. Like, living there. Just hoping to catch a glimpse of her Wingness.

Jason: In the church.

Jeff: Yeah. Hey, do you think she does more than one take of these songs? Because I hope she does.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: Because it would just complete the effect for me. You know, the artist, laboring over her craft. The producer, painstakingly stitching together different vocal takes. The mixer, downing a fifth of bourbon.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! It’s too bad this wasn’t done in the ’80s. I’m imagining the producer with a razor blade.

Oh, that would be great.

Jason: Trying to decide whether to cut the track or his wrist.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! I’m imagining the poor fucker who had to master this and laughing my ass off.

Jason: You know, maybe it’s that I’m used to Wing, but I definitely don’t consider this the worst thing of the Mellowmas season.

Jeff: Nor do I. In fact, I want to listen to this all day. Maybe if I listen to it enough times, I’ll be able to understand the lyrics.

Jason: Oh, I doubt it.

Jeff: Do fro alovin ass in fry

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Ag bah in free a bah say mah

Jason: You sound like Michael McDonald on the bayou!

Jeff: I remember that Michael McDonald song. It’s great, but not as great as this.

Jason: How much would you love to hear a duet between Wing and the Singing Saw?

Jeff: How could you tell them apart? I think the Saw might have better diction.

Jason: By the way, at my Acoustic ’80s gig last week, we’re playing “Last Christmas” by Wham!, and I hear someone in the audience yell, “Where’s the singing saw?” It was Jon Cummings.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! You WERE supposed to learn how to play it.

Jason: And it made me happy. Not because he was heckling, but because it meant that he had really listened to the Singing Saw. I think that may be the worst of Mellowmas 2008.

Jeff: I may have to agree, although I still say the fucking Archies were pretty painful. And I’m having a hard time deciding whether Shelley Duvall or the Germans were scarier.

Jason: You’re being such a baby about the Archies.

Jeff: Horrible. Just horrible.

Jason: I vote for Singing Saw or Duvall for the worst of Mellowmas ’08.

Jeff: The best, of course, was Mr. Alan O’Day.

Jason: Oh, of course. I mean, not that it’s saying much, considering everything else, but Alan O’Day is my hero. An artist with a fantastic creative mind and a sharp sense of humor.

Jeff: He’s won the everlasting devotion of our entire staff. Especially Terje “Curtis Armstrong” Fjelde.

Jason: Yes. Everyone knows Terje, of course. Terje has lovingly devoted himself, as you all know, to nothing but David Foster’s music.

Jeff: And he still talks to us!

Jason: But some of you may not know that Terje is so goddamn obsessed with David Foster that he actually can compose and record in the David Foster style.

Jeff: Terje’s first Foster pastiche, “Baseball in the Backyard,” is one of my favorite tracks of 2008, even though he recorded it in 1997.

Jason: I agree. Mine, too. So when Terje heard Alan’s masterpiece, “Have a Very Mellowmas (Theme From Mellowmas),” he was…inspired.

So it seems fitting to close this year’s Mellowmas season with Terje’s re-interpretation of Alan’s creation. Alan has heard this, by the way.

Jeff: More fitting than Wing?

Jason: You know what he said? “Terje, you’ve produced a masterpiece from a demo of emotional nothingness. I shudder to think what you would do if you were given a decent song to work with!”

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: This is why I love Alan O’Day.

Jeff: One of many reasons, yes. If any of you haven’t bought Alan’s latest album yet…well, I don’t know what to say to you. Other than BUY ALAN O’DAY’S LATEST ALBUM RIGHT NOW.

Jason: Well, this seems to be the end, huh?

Jeff: It’s been a long road to Mellowmas.

Jason: We’ve been through so much this year. I’m exhausted.

Jeff: Parting with this season is always such sweet sorrow.

Jason: Maybe for you! I think our readers will be happy to get back to regular Popdose coverage.

Jeff: Yes, and I’m sure they’ll enjoy meeting all our new columnists and reading all our new features. And seeing the site’s new design.

But still…



Jason: Yes, We thank you all for making it through The 25 Days of Mellowmas, for sure. Give me a hug, buddy. Happy Mellowmas, my friend.

Jeff: And a very Happy Mellowmas to you. Shall we cue up the love theme of the season?

Jason: Hey…did you just fart? Dude! Not cool to fart while we’re hugging!

Jeff: That was the hidden bonus track on the Wing album, I think.

Jason: Enjoy “Love Theme From Mellowmas” (download). Share it with the ones you love, if they’re still with you after listening to everything else from this season.

Jeff: We’ll meet you back here on January 1.

Jason: Happy Mellowmas to all!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles