Smash Mouth – Zat You, Santa Claus? (download)

From The Gift of Rock Amazon

Jason: Oh, no. Who asked for this?

Jeff: Izzat you, Sanna Claus?

Jason: Who asked Smash Mouth to make a Christmas album?
Who told them “you know what we need from you, douches? A Christmas album”?

Jeff: It’s good to know, in a way, that Steve Harwell hasn’t developed any actual talent since Smash Mouth stopped releasing hits. If he was actually a singer now, I might feel bad for him. Hearing this, I can relax comfortably back into my hatred for this horrible band.

Jason: Smash Mouth had a great moment with “All Star.” I actually like that song and will defend it. But everything else?

Jeff: I think you probably just liked “Shrek” and you’re confusing the two. IZZAT YOOOOOOOOOU, SANNA CLAUS???

Fucking hell.

Jason: Santa Claus is calling the Witness Relocation Program.

Jeff: Just listen to these…these “vocals.”

Jason: I don’t want to.

Jeff: I mean, I understand that this song isn’t meant to be taken seriously, but still.

Jason: But I’ve figured out that if you remove the right earphone, you don’t have to listen to the keyboard “solo.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

What would a Smash Mouth song be without Farfisa?

Jason: …a slightly more tolerable Smash Mouth song?

Jeff: Why haven’t these guys fired him? I bet they could get the Spin Doctors’ singer for a nice price.

Jason: Name one other guy in Smash Mouth.

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: You can’t. THAT’S why they haven’t fired him.

Jason: Do you think Steve Harwell gets up and calls “EXTRA” every morning to see if Mark McGrath has called in sick?

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You know, I think McGrath quit that gig, but it doesn’t matter. Harwell has a face for radio. And a voice for…I don’t know.

Jason: The last time I heard anything about Steve Harwell, it was when he was on a season of The Surreal Life.

Jeff: Steve Harwell was on The Surreal Life? I had no idea.

Jason: Yeah. I’m ashamed to say it’s the one reality show I watched pretty faithfully. The best — and by “best,” you know what I mean — part of the show was when they filmed a Smash Mouth video.

Jeff: No.

Jason: Yes. The song was awful.

Jeff: Did they do a Surreal Life remix of “All Star”?

Hey now! You’re a has been!

Jason: All I remember was that Tawny Kitaen was in it, and looking at her made me actually wish Steve Harwell would come back on camera.

Jeff: “The Smash Mouth community was surprised when drummer Michael Urbano left the band without warning on February 14, 2006 due to creative differences.”


Jason: Wait, wait, wait! “In July 2008, Greg Camp left the band to focus on his other music projects and has been replaced by Leroy. Despite losing their main songwriter, the band is currently back in the recording studio, and according to Smash Mouth’s MySpace blog, a new album will be out sometime in early 2009.

“Harwell is currently working on a solo country album.”

Re-read that last line.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!


Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha

Jason: What did country music ever do to you, Steve? Why do you have to punish it?

Jeff: He’s Bret Michaels, if Bret Michaels ate another person.

Jason: Steve called up Darius Rucker drunk at 3 AM and was like, “Lemme get some o’ dat shit.” Look, I could totally see Jewel, Hootie, even Jessica Simpson going towards country. But who needs the voice of Steve Harwell in this genre?

Jeff: Is there a genre suited to Steve Harwell’s voice?

Jason: TouchÁƒ©!

Jeff: I was hoping he had a MySpace page where he’d be streaming demos from his country album, but no dice.

Jason: Well, listen. At least this track was only slightly over two minutes. And I’m not listening to the whole album. I’ve been through too much this Mellowmas season. I just can’t take it.

Jeff: Mellowmas has taken a lot out of you this year.

Jason: Maybe if I hadn’t gotten through every track on Archie’s Christmas Party Featuring Betty and Veronica.

Jeff: I’ve never seen your Mellowmas spirit so low.

Jason: I’m trying, man. We have one more day to go.

The big day.


Jeff: I listened to that album twice. It didn’t impact my Mellowmas joy, but it did help me invent some new swear words.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Motherdante! Sonofabetty!

Jason: I think I’m just going to go nestle myself safe in my bed. Leave some spoiled milk and gluten-free cookies out for Santa.

Jeff: You can only hide so long. Before you know it, it’ll be Mellowmas morn.

Jason: Not if I take enough Ambien. If I take the correct dosage appropriate for a full 24 days of Mellowmas, I might be able to sleep until St. Patrick’s Day.

Jeff: And when you hear that rustling sound in the chimney, and you raise your head and ask “IZZAT YOU SANNA CLAUS???”

…It won’t be Sanna Claus.

Jason: Who? Who will it be? Ron Dante? Judy Collins? Your mom?

Jeff: Better than all of them put together! I can hardly wait!

Jason: I guess I’ll have to come back tomorrow and see. Goddammit.

Jeff: I’ll give you a hint.

Jason: No, no hints. I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

Jeff: Just one.

Jason: Ugh. Fine.

Jeff: Those cookies you’re leaving out? Make them fortune cookies.


Jeff: Shhhhhhhh.


Jeff: Good night, little buddy. Sleep tight.

Jason: I have the shakes. How am I going to sleep now? Happy Mellowmas Eve to all. Hopefully Jeff’s hint hasn’t ruined your evening the way it’s ruined mine.

Jeff: I can send you the rest of the Smash Mouth Christmas album.

Jason: That’s not going to help, you asshole. That only makes it worse.

Jeff: Hey, maybe we should take a moment to recommend your favorite holiday album of the year. Like, for realsies and stuff.

Jason: Like, my serious favorite holiday album? Really?

Jeff: Really.

Jason: We can recommend something good during Mellowmas?

Jeff: We can take a moment away from all the pain and suffering, can’t we?

Jason: Okay. Although I think technically it came out in 2007, you should all go and download Over The Rhine’s Snow Angels right now.

Jeff: I plan on doing that today. Should we feature a track?

Jason: !!!! We can do that?

Jeff: Sure we can. Can’t you feel the excitement? I’m getting your strength up for tomorrow.

Jason: Okay. Everybody, enjoy “Darlin’ (Christmas is Coming)” (download), one of my favorite tracks of this season.

And how about you, Jeff? Do you have a favorite holiday track this year? Is it “Archie’s Christmas Party”?

Jeff: Don’t make me hit you.

Jason: Come on! Archie’s Christmas Party! clap clap!

Jeff: Now I REALLY can’t wait for tomorrow.

Jason: Do you have anything you want to share with everyone? And by “everyone,” I mean “the three people that made it through all 24 days so far”?

Jeff: You know, I actually did like Mary Chapin Carpenter’s holiday album. Did I send it to you?

Jason: No! You didn’t!

Jeff: Huh. I must have gotten too caught up in the Mellowmas…magic.

Jason: Let me get this straight. You sent me all of Barry Manilow. All of Peter, Paul & Mary. All of Al Jarreau. All of Spyro Gyra. ALL OF SHELLEY FUCKING DUVALL.

Jeff: It’s true, I did send you all that. I’m not sure how I forgot to send you the Mary Chapin Carpenter. I’ll make it up to you now, though. Have a listen to “Come Darkness, Come Light” (download).

Jason: Okay, everybody. Enjoy these two tracks — the antidote to Mellowmas, if you will — and we’ll see you tomorrow morning. Bright and early.

Well, maybe not so bright. But early. Because I know I’m not getting any sleep tonight.

Dread has entered my life.

Jeff: Hee hee hee! Sreigh bells ring! Are you ristening?

Jason: Blood in all the streets. Running like a flood. There’s nowhere to hide, nowhere I can go. I reach out my hand, touching death itself.

Jeff: That isn’t death!

Jason: Just a holy day on Popdose.

Jeff: It’s…

Jason: Goodnight, everybody!

Jeff: See you soon!

Jason: Too soon!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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