Liberace – Beauty of Holiness (download)

From ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: Funny. This doesn’t SOUND gay.

Jeff: It sounds like it was ripped from the vinyl.

Jason: Oh wait, now it does.

Jeff: Oh boy. What’s going on here?

Jason: I have no idea. I think Liberace is getting blown under the table during Christmas dinner.

Jeff: Is he wearing that coat while it’s happening?

Jason: Seriously, I don’t even know what he’s talking about. What is he talking about?

Jeff: I don’t know, but I think I love this song.

Jason: Holy the night. The winter winds are clean.

Jeff: I think I’m going to play it for my family every year. It’s going to be the tradition that my kids bitch about when they’re grown.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Awesome. “Dear Lord, we would come to thee as the ancients came of old.”

Jeff: You’re right, he really is getting blown!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: He’s giving the ancients the glory! Give it to them, Libby!

Jason: The glory hole?

Jeff: That’s the one!

Jason: Huh. The track is over.

Jeff: That was extremely subdued for a Liberace song.

Jason: Agreed. I was expecting something much more flamboyant.

Jeff: I was expecting, like, Fred Schneider.

Jason: Or one of Lee Greenwood’s uptempo numbers. Seriously, what is this? Lee Greenwood actually has come further out of the closet than Liberace.

Jeff: Right — but this is more like the Rush Limbaugh version of “The Night Before Christmas” that you long ago declared off-limits for Mellowmas.

Jason: That track came on my iPod the other day. Why did I declare it off-limits? I forget.

Jeff: Because of your liberal bias, I imagine. And also because it’s terrible.

Jason: Yeah, I think you’re right. I think I didn’t want to give Rush Limbaugh any publicity whatsoever.

Jeff: This song, on the other hand, makes me feel like putting on a cardigan and eating a fruitcake. Unfortunately, I own neither a cardigan nor a fruitcake. C’mon over in a sweater and I’ll have both! Wakka wakka wakka!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Oh, look at this.

Jason: Ha, I bet we’re looking at the same thing right now.

Jeff: Liberace’s final television appearance?

Jason: No, I was looking up somebody’s collection of ornaments from Liberace. What do you have? We’re gifting each other Liberace. This is better than any other gift we’ve gotten each other.

Jeff: It is, isn’t it? I was just reading that “his final television appearance was on Christmas Day that same year on the recently-aired Oprah Winfrey Show TV talk show.” He died from AIDS complications, but “his obvious weight loss in the months prior to his death was attributed to a “watermelon diet” by his longtime and steadfast manager Seymour Heller.”

Jason: Wow. Wow.

Jeff: Now, about this other URL. “Bob’s Liberace”?

“Christmas was undoubtedly Liberace’s most favorite time of year. He once spent $25,000 on decorations alone, but lets not forget that included 12 full sized reindeer, a life sized nativity scene and 18 fully decorated Christmas trees.” Holy fuck!

Jason: Here are some Christmas cards Bob has collected from Liberace’s brother, George!

Jeff: Yeah, and the Liberace “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” 8-track!

Jason: If you go to the homepage, it says the following:

“I love Christmas carols; but then who doesn’t?
The local boys’ choir gave me
a particular thrill one year.”

– Liberace, The Things I love, 1976

Jeff: “PLEASE NOTE: I have NEVER at ANY time owned an 8-track tape player.” Haaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I bet that means EXACTLY what you think it means.

Jason: Wait, wait. Jeff, check this out.

Jeff: I just gasped.

Jason: Jeff, I am contacting Bob and offering him as much money as I have so I can give you a Liberace Santa table ornament.

Jeff: I…understand. I will put it on my table.

Jason: I will offer Bob my first born if I have to. Since I’m guessing Bob isn’t married to a woman.

Jeff: If he is, we must meet her. I wonder if they’ll consent to an interview?

Jason: As long as we don’t ask if he’s ever owned an 8-track tape player, I think we’re good.

Jeff: Excellent. We already know what’s going to top things off for Mellowmas IV.
You read it here first, people. Popdose will be posting directions for a punch-out Liberace Santa table ornament.

Jason: Here’s Liberace playing his Christmas medley in the ’80s!

[kml_flashembed movie="" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Jeff: I’m playing this now. My family is here. Imagine how well Libby could have played piano without all those fucking rings?

Jason: This is way too classy. I was expecting campy.

Jeff: We have time. It’s four minutes long.

Jason: Forget it. I’m not watching this. It’s not doing any of the things I want it to. You stay here and watch. I’m going over to eBay to find you some Liberace Christmas memorabilia.

Jeff: I wish he was wearing that white coat. How in the hell did this man become famous?

Jason: Can I buy you this?

“Truly one of a kind, like new condition! You will stand out in a crowd for sure!”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

“Photos do not show how bright this vest really is.”

Jason: “Note: This jacket has NEVER at ANY time owned an 8-track tape player!”

Jeff: Perfect! Do you think we could get Robert to wear this on next year’s Popdose Christmas card?

Jason: I think Robert would wear this in a heartbeat. We need to get one of our writers who would never wear it. Maybe we could get Scott to run his marathon in it?

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: This is actually a good idea! Scott could offer to wear it if everybody donates a certain amount.

Jeff: I will donate $20.

Jason: I want to buy this for you, and then I want you to post a picture of you wearing it. Possibly with your wife standing next to you, trying to smile.

Jeff: She wants to know what she has to wear. Don’t answer that.

Jason: Ha! She can wear whatever she wants. She just has to stand next to you and try not to look ashamed, like she usually does.

Man. Now I wish I could buy two. One for each of us. And we could do a holiday card. The four of us. Our wives, rolling their eyes as usual. You and I, pleased as punch. Gay punch.

Jeff: I would love that. Find it.

Jason: Well, for this year, this one vest will have to do. I can’t wait for you to try it on. And I want the picture. I want it posted for Mellowmas.

Jeff: You get the vest here. I’ll see about doing the rest.

Jason: “I’ll see”? I’m going to drop $20 on this vest for an “I’ll see”?

Jeff: And, you know, if any other readers care to send in their own bits of treasured Liberace memorabilia…

Jason: I’m bidding on the vest. Don’t let me down. Do it for me. And Libby. And for the beauty of holiness.

Jeff: Don’t worry, Jason. I will come as the ancients.

Jason: Praise God!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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