So. We meet again, my fat, toque-headed nemesis:

I won’t lie to you — yesterday’s Boyarxperiment hurt me, and hurt me bad. Judging from the way my hands were trembling as I opened today’s Can O’ Foul, my body is quickly developing a physical aversion to the Chef’s wares.

And today’s sounded pretty bad:

You won’t believe this, but I’m normally fairly picky about my meat. The missus and I generally shop for the blue-ribbon, grass-fed, free-range stuff. I’ve read Fast Food Nation and seen Super Size Me — pretty much the only reason I buy meat at all anymore is that I like the way it tastes enough to not think about the way it was probably made while I’m eating it. If I wasn’t such a pussy, I’d raise and butcher my own livestock.

Anyway, so:yeah. Picky. There are a lot of restaurants where I’d never even think of ordering a meat dish. Denny’s? Carrow’s? Oh God — Lyon’s? No thanks, I’ll stick with the pancake breakfast.

I tell you this so you’ll understand the level of dread I experienced when thinking about a Chef Boyardee chili cheese dog. Even as a kid, I was smart enough to avoid the “hot dog” bits in Spaghetti-O’s, or to at least dump enough parmesan cheese on everything to cover up the shape and taste of what lay beneath. And here we have the Chef’s best version of a chili dog — in other words, those same old gross slivers of “hot dog,” along with minced-up bits of mealy “meatballs.”

I gasped a little when I opened the can:

Do you now, or have you ever, owned a dog? I have. In case you don’t, or haven’t, let me share some information with you: this shit looks like dog food. The Boy, of course, was all over it.


“A chili dog,” I told him.


“Have you ever had chili?”


Didn’t stop the kid from trying it, though — in fact, he dug in before me. “UNCLE! HURRY UP AND TRY IT! WHAT DO YOU THINK IT TASTES LIKE?”

The verdict? Well, it’s:surprisingly okay. I mean, I can’t think about the ingredients without feeling sick, but I suppose that should be true of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos (now with Limon!), and those are just too delicious to avoid. They basically taste like Spaghetti-O’s — which, now that I think about it, is probably the root of all these insane new Boyardee lunch products. All they have to work with is pasta, cheese, tomato sauce, and meat; modern kids are too hip for more than a couple days of that. Dress the same old crap up in bizarre new clothes, though, and you can compete with Lunchables!

Chili Cheese Dog Twistaroni
jefito: “The best one yet.”
overall score: 3 out of 5

About the Author

Jeff Giles

Jeff Giles is the founder and editor-in-chief of Popdose and Dadnabbit, as well as an entertainment writer whose work can be seen at Rotten Tomatoes and a number of other sites. Hey, why not follow him at Twitter while you're at it?

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