10 Movies…About The Witness Relocation Program (Like ‘The Family’)
This week marks the release of The Family, another example of Hollywood’s favorite cliché situation: stereotypical Italian-American crime family goes into Witness Protection and they chafe at it. (In reality, Witness Protection is rare; as it turns out the government doesn’t give a shit if you’re a bad guy and other bad guys kill you.) But at least The Family is directed by French film god Luc Besson, who is apparently trying his hand at farce, which the French love as much as Americans love stuff about Witness Protection.
Here are 10 more movies about Witness Protection, all of which feel like French movies that were translated into English.
Vin Diesel has to find the secret documents and hide out in the suburbs and protect some kids which OMG he’s a MAN!
Did You Hear About the Morgans?
If you did, in fact, hear about the Morgans, then their Witness Protection detail isn’t doing a very good job of keeping there whereabouts hidden.
Man of the House
Tommy Lee Jones has to keep a bunch of murder-witnessing cheerleaders safe by posing as their cheerleader coach which OMG he’s a man and Tommy Lee Jones-like!
The Whole Nine Yards
At least Bruce Willis definitely looks like a guy who used to be in a criminal organization who is now unsuccessfully keeping a low profile.
Bird on a Wire
A guy in Witness Protection because a dirty FBI agent wants to kill him runs into his ex-girlfriend but pretends like he doesn’t know her, because Witness Protection. The dirty cop gets out and is soon in hot pursuit of the Bird (Goldie Hawn) and the Wire (Mel Gibson).
Snakes on a Plane
How much of a half-assed plot device is “Witness Protection”? In the movie that serves to exist only for its straightforward joke of a title, to have a plane with the snakes on it, the whole point of the plane ride in the first place is to escort a guy in Witness Protection.
A federal agent (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has to protect the targeted for murder executive of a weapons manufacturer (Vanessa Williams). Will romantic sparks fly in addition to the sparks that come off when bullets hit things? (Spoilers: Yes. And yes.)
Our Lips Are Sealed
The Olsen Twins play against type as twin sisters, and are placed it Witness Protection because they are privy to a museum robbery (because this is a kids’ movie). It’s basically Did You Hear About the Tiny Morgans?
Cool As Ice
The film provides exposition on the female romantic lead, Kathy, in the laziest possible way: she’s profiled on the news (she’s a top student, valedictorian, super-straightlaced). But her dad never thinks it might not be wise to put his perfect teenage daughter on TV, as he is in Witness Protection because he ratted out some corrupt cops. His distrust of strangers is the main reason he then doesn’t like Kathy’s new, wiggity-wack boyfriend, Vanilla Ice, because otherwise he’s clearly an upstanding Young Republican.
See, what they did here is call it “witless” instead of “witness” protection because the main character is stupid. This movie came out in 2008, but I just got that joke. Good one, Mr. The Cable Guy. GET IT ACCOMPLISHED!