Lists You Didn’t Ask For: Celebrity Siblings You Didn’t Ask For Edition

Along with rehab, doing a sequel just for the paycheck, screaming anti-Semitic slurs at traffic cops, and getting away with murder (literal or otherwise), one of the greatest privileges of the celebrity has always been the right to inflict your less talented siblings on the world. Take, for instance, Solange Knowles, sister of Beyonce, who releases her ridiculously titled new album, Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams, this week.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, we here at Popdose have decided to take a stroll down memory lane and present you with a brand-new, very special edition of Lists You Didn’t Ask For. Here, without further ado, is a collection of Celebrity Siblings You Didn’t Ask For!

Frank Stallone. The man has his fans — in fact, as you’ll see below, he still tours with the Frank Stallone Band, and once had a hit, “Far From Over,” that certain commenters ’round these parts profess to enjoying in an unironic way — but not even the most cogent, impassioned defense of Frank’s singing career can get around the fact that he’s the black sheep in a family that includes a promoter of women’s wrestling, a male hairdresser, and the man responsible for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Or, for that matter, the fact that Frank released a country album — titled, of course, Songs From the Saddle — in 2005, the same year he appeared as a consultant on NBC’s boxing reality series, The Contender. According to his Wikipedia entry, Frank is “currently building a multi-million dollar estate in Nantucket, Massachusetts,” which is both a testament to everything wonderful about America and our latest reason for wanting to kill ourselves. (more…)

Tweener Mixtape Madness!

The Popdose staff was sitting around the other day, doing what we do best — namely, talking about records that most people wish they didn’t remember — when a discussion about the Moody Blues’ “Your Wildest Dreams” somehow led into some heavy-duty reminiscing about the records we all listened to when we were kids — and how those records were more or less culled from the Top 40 hits of the day, hits that our parents, as often as not, listened to along with us.

So, we wondered, who’s making music these days that impressionable preteens and their parents enjoy? Top 40 radio is pretty much dead, and the lines between Radio Disney, MTV, and whatever the hell it is that the over-30 crowd is listening to these days have been drawn depressingly deep. Look, it isn’t just that we think the Jonas Brothers and Lil Wayne aren’t all that great; it’s that some of us can remember enjoying the latest hits from the Spinners, the Bangles, or Cheap Trick right alongside our parents.

Current music is still a multigenerational thing, but not the way it used to be — so here, without further ado, is a list (with downloads, natch) of some of the stuff your faithful Popdosers were listening to in their formative preteen years. Pull up a chair and a set of headphones, and give in to Tweener Mixtape Madness! (more…)

Lists You Didn’t Ask For: Consumer Safety Edition

Earlier this month New York attorney general Andrew Cuomo reported that he had sent his staff to 1,000 pharmacies across the state in March, April, and May and found more than 250 that were selling expired milk, eggs, baby formula, and over-the-counter medication. The two biggest culprits were the CVS and Rite Aid chains. So what else have these drugstores not been telling consumers?

1. CVS-brand sparkling water gets its sparkle from Darfurian children’s tears. (White Lion, “When the Children Cry” [download])

2. That lawn chair you bought in the “seasonal” aisle? Someone had sex on it. (The Band, “Rockin’ Chair” [download])

3. Whenever you bought an impulse item at the front counter in 2000 and 2004, your name was added to a GOP database of potential swing voters most likely to vote for George W. Bush. (Everything But the Girl, “Politics Aside” [download])

4. Expired baby formula mixed with expired teeth whitener will totally get you high. (Glen Phillips, “I Want a New Drug” [download])

5. The security camera adds 25 pounds. (Joe Henry, “Fat” [download])

(more…)

Lists You Didn’t Ask For: Statutory Rock Edition

For about as long as there’s been music, dudes have been writing songs about younger girls — but since the dawn of rock and roll, singing odes to teenage flesh has been one of the genre’s proudest traditions. Thus, when our own Matthew Bolin suggested that one of our first lists should be a rundown of our favorite age-inappropriate rock songs, the suggestions came fast and furious. This list only scratches the surface — of the songs we discussed, or the ones we forgot — but it contains a pungent blend of classic and little-known statutory rock anthems. Prepare to feel terribly unclean!

Chuck Berry, “Almost Grown” If it weren’t for underage girls, it seems fair to say that Chuck Berry might never have been inspired to pick up a guitar — and rock & roll as we know it might never have come to be. And okay, so “Almost Grown” isn’t as lecherous as, say, “Sweet Little Sixteen” — but even if this song’s protagonist is supposed to be the same age as the “little girl” he’s got his eye on, this is still Chuck we’re talking about. –Jeff Giles (download)

Brian Wilson, “Hey Little Tomboy” When a song starts off with the line “Hey little tomboy, sit here on my lap,” and Mike Love was anywhere within a 50-mile radius when it was written or recorded, you know you’re dealing with a towering classic of skeeve. Here’s the Brian Wilson demo, for that extra element of drug-addled psychosis. –JG (download)

Foreigner, “Seventeen” The title “Seventeen” is pretty common in pop music. If you AMG’d the title, you’d likely get a couple dozen different tunes all named the same. Yet it is hard for me to believe that any of the other performers looked quite as… old… as Foreigner did, even back then. Lou Gramm with his rangy, mangy, almost bro-fro, Mick Jones looking more like Chumley the janitor rather than a student… If context is everything, then picture these guys mourning the young’un that got away in the tune, and then go to therapy, you filthy pedo. –Dw. Dunphy (download) (more…)

Lists You Didn’t Ask For: Ben Stein Edition

Happy Monday, faithful readers! Are you ready for a new series? We hope so, because we’ve got one for you. Welcome to the inaugural edition of Lists You Didn’t Ask For!

Here’s the deal: Since we know everyone out in Webland is a sucker for lists — and since we’re unapologetic whores for traffic — every other Monday we’ll be bringing you a new list based on a theme you never knew you cared about. Case in point: this week’s List of Other Things Ben Stein Defends.

As you may know, Mr. Stein has a terrible new movie out titled Exposed: No Intelligence Allowed. In what is being charitably called a documentary, Stein tries to make a case for the “intelligent design” theory by claiming a vast anti-ID conspiracy (and making thinly veiled comparisons between Darwinists and Nazis). Currently, Expelled is sitting at a richly deserved 9 percent on Rotten Tomatoes’ Tomatometer, thanks to reviews from critics like the Chicago Reader’s Reece Pendleton, who calls it “ludicrous propaganda,” and the Onion AV Club’s Steven Hyden, who dismisses it as “grossly unfair, contradictory, and ultimately repugnant.”

So we know Ben Stein defends the idea that “intelligent design” should be taught in schools. What else does he defend? We convened a panel consisting of Jason Hare, Robert Cass, yours truly, and our friends at the Hilton Head Island Packet, Jeff Vrabel and Tim Donnelly, to put together a list. Read on to find out what made the cut: (more…)