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Friday Night Videos!: The Hits of 1985

If you’re holding your breath for the day MTV starts playing music videos, let it go. It’s never going to happen, not while the dreaded Snooki-beast is running around, trying to mount Eric Cartman.

But who needs MTV in the digital age? We’re here, the time’s right, and the videos are waiting for us. So set the way-way-back machine for 1985, strap on your shoulder pads, poof up that hair and layer those jackets. It’s time to rock.

Dire Straits – Money For Nothing: The video that introduced the short-lived fad of neon rings used as sweatbands. God bless those poor kids with the jheri curls, for they just didn’t know. They just didn’t know.

Eddie Murphy – Party All The Time: This song is unbelievable; just truly, completely unbelievable. All the time? How about some of the time? How about Morris Day still owes me money and until I get paid back, The Time can party on their own dime.

Tina Turner – We Don’t Need Another Hero: Can’t we just get beyond Thunderdome?

Madonna – Dress You Up: Yes, kids. Madonna was once a human being like the rest of us. Then the Cyberdyne Corporation took her away and replaced her arms with those of a bench-pressing machine named Herbie Too Ripped. And what did Herbie get in return? A York Peppermint Patty, and he was grateful.

‘Til Tuesday – Voices Carry: God bless Aimee Mann, but don’t ask her to make balloons stick to walls with friction. I’m just saying…

A-ha – Take On Me: This is the real reason why your mom kept throwing your comic books away.

Commodores – Nightshift: My disappointment with this video is it is 100% Michael Keaton-free. Other than that, it’s just fine.

John Cougar Mellencamp – Lonely Ol’ Night: Just like he easily shed the Cougar surname, John Mellencamp also had difficulties with the letter “D” – meaning then, he ha’ ‘ifficulties with the letter ” – “… WORST SESAME STREET CELEBRITY EVER.

The Go-Gos – Head Over Heels: In her recent autobiography, Belinda Carlisle revealed she was coked up most of the time. Meanwhile, in this video, the rest of the band looks like they’re scared to death. The ’80s weren’t fair to anyone, I guess.

David Lee Roth – California Girls: And there’s a whole other kind of terror…

And your number one song for the year 1985 is…

Wham! – Careless Whisper: Considering that 2010’s number one song will likely be some piece of crap nobody will remember come 2011, it could be much, much worse. Take it away George and What’s-yer-face…

(A big old fart-noise to EMI Records for not allowing embedding with their videos. Good day to you, sirs. I SAID, GOOD DAY.)