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Goddamn You, “Rock of Ages” Trailer

Plot Summary: Rock of Ages tells the story of small town girl Sherrie and city boy Drew, who meet on the Sunset Strip while pursuing their Hollywood dreams. Their rock ‘n’ roll romance is told through the heart-pounding hits of Def Leppard, Joan Jett, Journey, Foreigner, Bon Jovi, Night Ranger, REO Speedwagon, Pat Benatar, Twisted Sister, Poison, Whitesnake, and more.

Michael Parr: No.

Jeff Giles: Seconded.

David Medsker: Yikes. Malin Akerman is yummy, though.

David Lifton: Put everybody involved with this movie in a bag and whack it with a baseball bat. Whoever gets hit deserved it.

Jon Cummings: Yes!

Right up until that concluding bit of “I Love Rock n’ Roll” (is that Baldwin singing?), that whole trailer was in the so-bad-it’s-good category. But that last bit was horribly deflating. And what was with saving the reveal of Tom Cruise’s participation for the very end? As though his presence is what will put the movie’s appeal over the top? Yeesh! Maybe if he had reprised his Tropic Thunder role as a music mogul. But if I want a diminutive Scientologist pop star, I’ll choose Beck, thank you very much.

Lifton: And a mash-up of “We’re Not Gonna Take It” and “We Built This City?”

I mean, how could it fail?

Kelly Stitzel: Doug Benson does a “Watch This, Not That” feature on his Doug Loves Movies podcast. My version of that upon seeing this trailer is “Watch The Decline of Western Civilization, Part 2: The Metal Years, not Rock of Ages.”

As I told Jeff earlier, Tom Cruise seems to be, sadly, parodying his character from Magnolia — and we both agreed that this is Burlesque, but with hair metal.

Also, gross.

Chris Holmes: And I thought the music on Glee was toothless.

Matt Springer: On one hand, it’s songs that are barely rock and roll, performed as Broadway schmaltz by actors who are not at all rock and roll, directed by the guy who brought us Hairspray.

On the other hand, Alec Baldwin, Paul Giamatti, and Catherine Zeta-Jones get to swallow whole chunks of scenery.

It’s a wash. I’d watch if they had a DVD or Blu-ray option to only see the non-singing scenes involving those three actors. It would probably be a very entertaining 45 minutes.

Lifton: Stop trying to get me to see it!

Springer: If this were Stephen Sondheim’s Rock of Ages, you’d be all over it.

Actually, what we need to develop is a Jukebox Musical of Jukebox Musicals. An Abba tune, a Queen song, Billy Joel, Four Seasons, a few from this…it’s a HIT OF HITS.

Lifton: I did see this a couple of months ago…

Springer: Wow, that sounds amazing.

Lifton: That’s why you don’t mock Sondheim around me.

Porchlight put up a couple of trailers on YouTube.

Parr: I still contend: No.

Dw. Dunphy: I concur.

I suppose it is only a matter of time before the Grease remake.

Giles: A new Grease has been in various stages of development for awhile now. Remember those rumors about Britney and Justin starring in Grease 3?

This trailer just seems like a really shitty parody of what people who hate musicals think people who love musicals want from their movies. It’s campy, and everything looks fake, and the cinematography is as flat as your average Disney TV movie.

Cummings: Well, this film was perhaps inevitable from the moment the stage musical graduated from Off-Broadway to Broadway. It’s just too easy a money-maker once you put a bunch of stars in it. People love this shit.

Bob Cashill: I’ll give Shankman & co. the benefit of the doubt. The Hairspray movie was about as good as you were going to get out of that show. I skipped Rock of Ages onstage; I pretty much hate that music, then and now. There, I said it. I’ll go to the movie and cheer on Catherine ZetaJones’ party pooping Michelle Pfeiffer-in-Hairspray character. Down with the freaks!

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