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Ol’ John Cougar’s Holiday Gift Guide

If’n y’all ain’t familiar with what ol’ John Cougar does round here these parts, go back and read some of my col-umms what with to familiarize yourself with the fact that ol’ John Cougar is a good old fashioned down home country boy from a small town making real music for real Americans, but that your boy John Cougar is also an immortal shapeshifting werewolf what can control the Indy 500 pace car with his mind.

It’s your good ol’ buddy John Cougar. Now I know I what usually give you advise on your personal problems and sitch-you-ayshuns, but right now I’m here to give you the real whatfor on what sundries and embodiments to get for y’alls progeny and whatnot on yer holiday list. Because be it for such pagan-like festivities like Christmas or Hanakah or Kwanzaa, or if’n yer like ol’ John Cougar and recognize the truth and beauty of the holiday we call Alazkazakz, or “The Great Reckoning,” or “The Final Ascendance of Yr,” y’alls got to buy gifts to show the feelings.

Ol John Cougar is as good at picking our bee-you-tee-ful gifts as he is at turning into any animal at whim, or fightin’ authority what even if the authority gonna be the one that wins, or raisin’ money to aid farms in a small town (I am from a small town.) You all don’t need to worry about getting’ nuthin’ no how what for that ain’t on ol’ John Cougar’s holl-e-day list.

[Ol’ John Cougar would like you to know that he has been given big bags of silver what for agreeing to menshun a few of these items by their makers and whatnot. We shapeshifters don’t what consider this a problem, as we are ageless beings that do what we want. Me, Oprah, we don’t care none to make a fuss.]

Cougar: The Cologne
Ol’ John Cougar personally helped develop this dang ol’ stink-sauce mating juice. It’s a mix-churr of farm waste, unfiltered cigarettes, fresh pork cracklings, the elbow grease of a workin’ man, and the fleetingness of time. It’s the closest you can get to smellin’ like like ol’ John Cougar without incurring the wrath of Yr!

Ol’ John Cougar’s Homestyle Dippin’ Chaw
I saw what Larry the Cable Guy done what did, and he ain’t gonna be the only small town boy (I am from a small town) with his own line on con-sumer goods. And this one is that: it’s good. Ol’ John Cougar’s Homestyle Dippin’ Chaw comes in more than 55 varieties, including Mayonnaise, Grandma’s Breath, Shutdown Factory Dust, Coors Light, My Cousin Kyle, Grape, and Infinity.

ROCK in the USA Rock
Remember one of thems dancin’ flowers, which if’n you played music real close to it, it would dance all around, all whirly-wheely-dealy? This is like one of them, but it plays “ROCK in the USA” isself, and then dances around to it real nice.

Dee-Luxe Werewolf Goo
Y’all chafe when you convert back from a werewolf into a human-like man from a small town like ol’ John Cougar does? Boy howdy, does it chafe. All that hair, and then all that hair just up and shrinks back into the follicles makes for some real itchies down yonder in my John Cougar Tight-Jeans-Pants. Y’alls got a shapeshifting werewolf to buy a present for, get them a gallon of Ol’ John Cougar’s Dee-Luxe Werewolf Goo.

I, Ol’ John Cougar: The Story of Ol’ John Cougar
Some people said ol’ John Cougar’s couldn’t write good because he’s from a small town, and English what is his ninth language and his first one that y’all mortals can even understand. It’s easy what to write a book when you can mind-rape the words out from any lyberry book, swirl ‘em up in your brain real good then make ‘em come out all nice. And if you just change all the names of the peoples in a Theodore Dreiser novel to “ol’ John Cougar,” ain’t nobody gonna take yous to court, and if they did, I’d gaze upon them and what melt their flesh, make it hotter than the Final Day gonna be, I tell ya.

John.Cougar.Mellencamp-1983Silver-Bullet Proof Jeans Jacket
Yous gotta get yerself a new one twice a year so it done be workin’ right.

“I Fight Sororities and Sororities Always Win” T-Shirt
Did ol’ John Cougar ever tell you that before The Alliance, he was one heck of a witch hunter? More than 1,000 witch heads Ol’ John Cougar collected. (Most of thems in a storage locker deep beneath Bloomington I bet.) This ain’t got much nothin’ to do with that, but this T-shirt done made ol’ John Cougar laugh like a wicked space priest when I done saw this.

Human Wheels Hot Wheels Made With Real Human Wheels
For if’n you’ve got a little foundling, changling or loin-fruit what from a night of dee-botched baby batter done shot up in that girl what lives in the next trailer over, you’ve got to get them little rugrats some real good toys. Little boys love thems some cars, and these here got wheels made from real human bone fragments and are what decorated with the cover art from my 1993 longplayer Human Wheels

“Hurts So Good” Medieval Sex-You-Ull Torture Dee-vices
Never you mind. Ol’ John Cougar gonna save this one for Valentine’s Day.




  • Jay

    It’s been too long.