Posts Tagged ‘Alex Rodriguez’

CD Review: Artie Lange, “Jack and Coke”

Artie Lange - Jack and CokeArtie Lange has been a core cast member of the Howard Stern radio show for eight years. Even if you are not a Stern listener, you may have encountered Lange as a regular on Mad TV, or through one of his other, often controversial television appearances. He is also the author of the best-selling memoir Too Fat To Fish, which was published earlier this year. Lange has just released his first comedy album, the aptly titled Jack and Coke (Shout Factory).

As a result of his celebrity, Lange has fought a very public battle with addiction over the years. He’s been known to miss work at his day job with Stern, or to fall asleep at work if he does make it in. It’s not just his comedy that’s edgy and raw. His life is lived right on that same ragged edge. The thing is, it’s nearly impossible to dislike the guy, and you can’t help but find yourself rooting for him through all of his struggles. He can have you laughing uproariously with his tales of hookers and eight-balls, and in the next moment have you near tears as he talks about his late father.

Jack and Coke is, as you might expect, profane, politically incorrect, vulgar, and yes, very funny. Any comedian who begins his set with the words, “I’m glad Heath Ledger died, and I’ll tell you why,” is prepared to take some chances. Lange follows that with a rather explicit description of his own alleged audition for Brokeback Mountain. For him, there is no idol too sacred to smash, no pretentious balloons that he’s unwilling to put a pin in, and no thought that needs to remain unexpressed. It goes without saying that if you’re easily offended, Jack and Coke is not for you. (more…)

Political Culture: Break Up the Yankees! (And the Insurance Companies!)

Now is the autumn of our discontent … at least for us Los Angeles baseball fans. Last night the Dodgers were polished off by the ruthless Phillies, their forever-teetering staff of pitchers finally crumbling in the face of Ryan Howard and that goddamned Victorino. Tonight the Angels may suffer the same fate – and even if they survive long enough to fly back east for the weekend, the Yankees will have their $161 million man waiting.

Which $161 million man? Now, there’s a question that could only refer to the Yankees. The one I’m talking about is CC Sabathia, the team’s most recent nine-figure pitching purchase, who has already shut the Angels down twice in this ALCS. But I could also be talking about first baseman Mark Teixeira, whom the Yankees plucked off the Angels’ roster last offseason for $180 million and who has repeatedly robbed his former teammates in the field this week (though his offensive numbers are pathetic). Of course, I might otherwise be talking about Derek Jeter, who’s nearing the end of his own $189 million contract. And as for Alex Rodriguez … well, he’ll earn $161 million in about the time it takes me to finish this column.

At least A-Rod is earning his salary (for once) this postseason. Still, like most baseball fans who don’t root for the Yankees, I have a hard time watching the Bombers without becoming queasy from the tsunami of dollar signs. In fact, Sabathia, Teixeira and A-Rod have ceased to function for me as human beings; their uniform numbers may as well be replaced with contract numbers – 161, 180, and 275, respectively. (Jeter gets a pass, since he came up through the farm system back in the ’90s, but the mind reels at the thought of the Yankees’ other free-agent acquisitions this decade – including tonight’s starting pitcher, number 82, otherwise known as A.J. Burnett.) If you add up the number of dollars the Steinbrenners have committed to their Big Three free agents through the end of Sabathia’s contract in 2016 – a total of $616 million – you get a number larger than the expected cumulative payrolls of 18 of Major League Baseball’s 30 teams over that span, even accounting for inflation. (more…)

A-Rod: Can This Career Be Saved?

If the tallest tree in the forest cracks at the base, and everyone in the country hears it, do we have an obligation to prop it back up? Or can we just fire up the chainsaws and get the dismantling over with?

Alex Rodriguez is hardly the most heartbreaking name that’s recently been scrawled into the steroid-cheat record books, but he’s certainly the most relevant. By the time they infamously appeared before a Congressional committee a few years back, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmiero et al were either gone from the game or on the downhill slope – as were Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens even before their denouements devolved into potential prison terms. But A-Rod is still only 33, still at the peak of his (however imperfect) powers, still picking up $27 mil a year from the laughably duped Steinbrenners.

He’s got a lot of productive years remaining, assuming his body holds up. His head, however, is a different story. What’s the psychology now, for a man who must pull it together and continue his pursuit of a lifetime home-run record that few will respect? What’s the incentive for a guy to get back on the field and commence the second half of a career that looks brilliant on paper, but whose merits have already been downgraded in the more important realm of baseball mythology — and whose Hall of Fame prospects may never recover from the revelations of the past week?

Granted, there are 275 million bits of greenback motivation – and Rodriguez will need every one of those simoleons to maintain the perfect shape of his coif and the silky sheen of his skin, not to mention the gold-diggers who likely will be the only women he can attract now that that wacked-out Madonna thing ended in tears. Still, it’s difficult to imagine this pretty boy playing out his Yankees contract with anything like the panache expected when he signed it last winter. He just doesn’t seem the type to develop a thick skin and a steely resolve in response to the first real adversity he’s ever experienced.

A-Rod gets slap-happyYou’re probably clued in by now to my lack of sympathy for A-Rod’s predicament. So, Alex, you felt pressure to live up to your $250 million, guaranteed contract? Boo frickin’ hoo! And you gave up the juice as soon as you found out about your positive test, right about the same time baseball finally cracked down on chemical enhancements? Where can we pin your medal? (It’s not as though he gave up cheating, anyway. Between his pathetic attempt to knock the ball out of Bronson Arroyo’s hand during the ’04 ALCS collapse, and his bush-league ploy of yelling “I got it!” while running the bases a couple years ago, to induce an error by Toronto’s third baseman, the man clearly has trouble stifling his instinct to get around the rules of fair play.)

Even his mea culpas this week seemed designed to help him elude actual punishment. Yes, I was on the juice, but only while baseball’s “culture” turned a blind eye to cheats. Absolutely, I purchased steroids – but I did it legally, in the Dominican Republic, where testosterone is sold over-the-counter like Pez. No question I broke the rules and imperiled my health – but I was young and stupid (or as “young and stupid” as a guy can be who had already completed eight Major League seasons, and earned over $60 million in salary, by his 28th birthday in 2003). And of course I kept it secret all this time, and lied about it to Katie Couric – my “cousin” and I hadn’t even been sure we were taking anything improper! (more…)