Jason: Before we play this track –  “December” by Kenny Loggins — we should acknowledge that this was one of the only Mellowmas suggestions we received this whole season.

Jeff: Mainly so people know who to blame.This one wasn’t our fault! We knew about this album — oh yes, we knew. But we avoided it.

Jason: Robert Smith, everybody. Blame Robert Smith. And no, not from The Cure. Robert Smith who wrote that awesome CHART ATTACK! earlier this year.

Jeff: Man, I wish The Cure would record a Christmas album.

Jason: You know why I avoided this track, specifically?

Jeff: Why, specifically?

Jason: Because it was released in 1998.

Jeff: Deep in the heart of Kenny’s “Enema Period.”

Jason: YES.

Jeff: I know what you mean.

Jason: When everybody was FORCED to know about his undying love for his wife. When we had to know all the details of their Unimaginable Life.

Jeff: Please, don’t talk about it.

Jason: I bought the CD for my mom. One day, I was bored and read the liner notes. Let’s just say that my eyes can’t unsee all that they have seen. It’s…unimaginable.

Jeff: Dude, I bought the BOOK for my mom.

Jason: Wow.

Jeff: I wish I could un-unimagine it.

Jason: This is the first time you’ve seemed like more of a mama’s boy than me.

Jeff: I think I probably paid less for the book than you did for the CD, so we might be even.

Jason: It’s not about money, and you know it. You wanted your mom to have an unimaginable life! And of course, at the time, you couldn’t have possibly imagined I would have been banging her, so there you go. I guess it was a worthwhile purchase.

Jeff: Ha! How about the penicillin? Was that worthwhile?

Jason: She took care of the co-pay, that was nice of her, at least.

Jeff: Anyway, point is, neither one of us has ever bothered listening to Kenny’s Christmas album. WE knew better.

Jason: Right.

Jeff: And we’ve listened to some heinous shit.

Jason: HEINOUS. Unimaginable, even.

Jeff: But Robert Smith suggested — begged us, even! — to include this song.

Jason: I have to admit, when he mentioned it, as well as the lyrics, I was intrigued.

Jeff: The lyrics are…intriguing.

Jason: Let’s share with all, shall we?

Jeff: Let’s.

Jason: Just remember, everybody. Robert’s to blame.

Kenny Loggins — On Christmas Morning (download)

From December Amazon iTunes

Jason: Piano! Ugh! Old December’s here at last! Time for Kenny to slur his words!

Jeff: This synth setting is the musical equivalent of a tramp stamp tattooed on the space right above a girl’s ass. You know everything you need to know as soon as you see it.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! That’s the best thing you’ve written, ever.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: Kenny’s talking about a Christmas scene, but I feel like the gross stuff is coming. The stuff about his wife.

Jeff: You know what’s funny about this song already? I think Kenny Loggins lives in Santa Barbara.

Jason: He believes! He believes in love!

Jeff: Oops, here it is.

Jason:

On Christmas morning you awaken with a smile.
You hold me in your arms.
We watch the snowflakes fly.

Jeff: And then you love me!

Jason: We have tantric sex.

Jeff: Grrooooooooooooosssssss!

Coming back again this year!

Jason: You shave my beard and feed me oatmeal.

Jeff: Is it technically “feeding” when she put it in his butt?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Silently they watched the seasons change, Jason. I wonder if that’s because she kept Kenny in a ball gag.

Jason: On Christmas morning you awaken with a smile. You hold me in your arms.

Jeff: Notice how she’s the one doing all the work here?

Jason: We watch the snowflakes fly. You clip my toenails and pick your teeth with the shavings.

Jeff: She awakens. She holds him. She “loves” him.

Jason: Ugh, key change.

Jeff: We knew it was coming. There had to be at least one in here.

Jason: Yeah, we did, didn’t we? He realizes how sweet a life can be!

Jeff: Notice how Kenny’s using his soulful voice on this one?

Jason: Well, of course, Jeff. His love was nothing if not soulful. Gee, I wonder who produced this.

Jeff: Walter Afanasieff?

Jason: Let me check the ID3 tag.

Jeff: James Newton Howard?

Jason: Hey, look who composed it! David Foster!

Jeff: Oh no!

Jason: Oh YES!

Jeff: David Foster wrote this? The lyrics, too?

Jason: I don’t know! Ugh, does that mean Kenny and Julia had a threesome?
UGH UGH UGH UGH. Was David Foster part of their unimaginable life?

Jeff: It burns!

Jason: I don’t want to imagine it, Jeff! Make it stop!

Jeff: I’ll tell you one thing. I’m going to use “and then you love me” on my wife at every possible opportunity.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Use it as a persuasive tool. Like, when you want booty, you can just look at her sternly and be like, “and then you LOVE ME.”

Jeff: “Goodnight, honey. And just remember: You awaken with a smile.”

Jason: “You stick a Q-Tip in my ear. You clean the lint from my navel.”

Jeff: Doesn’t it make you laugh to listen to this shit and think about back in the ’80s, when we were all willing to pretend Kenny Loggins could rock?

Jason: I thought he did a decent job in the ’80s.

Jeff: Remember when he was on the Top Gun soundtrack? Kenny Loggins, singing about fighter pilots.

Jason: About highways.

Jeff: And…danger zones. WAIT A MINUTE…

Jason: Oh, I see where you’re going. Go on.

Jeff: Oh, I’m not spelling that out. The readers will have to make their own conclusions about Kenny’s “danger zone.”

Jason: Remember when he was alright, and he didn’t need nobody to worry about him?

Jeff: Yes, except I think he was wearing a red jumpsuit at the time, which meant he was technically not all right. Or alright, even.

Jason: I took my mom to see him in concert maybe two summers ago. It was…not good. He looked like he had taken waaaaaaaay too many drugs. Like, he was just…slow.

Jeff: Maybe it had been awhile since his last enema.

Jason: I’m trying to think of how I can describe this. Brian Wilson on speed, maybe.

Jeff: Wow.

Jason: Like, energetic, but still not all there.

Jeff: Well, we’d be remiss if we didn’t point out that Kenny’s had a rough few years. His wife/analrapist left him. His records don’t sell anymore.

Jason: Well, neither do Richard Marx’s records, but I’ll defend his current rocking abilities to the ends of the earth. But yes, we should note that Kenny’s unimaginable life ended poorly.

Jeff: Richard Marx, much as I love to make fun of him, has never recorded anything as terribly sappy as The Unimaginable Life. That record — all of it — makes “Right Here Waiting” sound like “Start Me Up.”

Jason: Well, the problem is, if you record an album like The Unimaginable Life, you’re pretty much bragging, “Hey, my marriage is amazing and unstoppable, and here’s how you can have it, too.” I mean, that’s what the book said, right? Don’t pretend your mom didn’t read it to you. I know she read it to me.

Jeff: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT THE BOOK SAID. But yes, that is the problem with that album. And also the fact that he was NAKED ON THE COVER.

Jason: Yes! But you gotta give him at least this — once his marriage broke up, he wrote an angry divorce record.

Jeff: Heh. Blood on the Tracks, it ain’t.

Jason: That may be true.

Jeff: But yes, I know the record you’re talking about. Instead of a freshly waxed vagina, it has teeny-tiny little balls.

Jason: How About Now, with songs like “I’m a Free Man Now” and “I Don’t Wanna Hate You Anymore.” And “One Last Goodbye Song,” which pissed me off because it’s clearly not true.

Jeff: You were hoping Kenny was saying goodbye to us?

Jason: A little.

Jeff: I understand.

Jason: Oh! You know what this whole thing reminds me of?

Jeff: 1987?

Jason: You remember the SNL sketch with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch where they were college professors talking about what activities they partake in as “lovahs”? And it was all old, gross stuff?

Jeff: Yes! This is equally squirm-inducing!

Jason: Yes! This is the musical manifestation of that sketch! Oh, wow! I feel like I’ve been carrying that association in my head for years and only put it together just now. Thanks, Rob!

Jeff: I will not be thanking you for anything, Rob. Just so you know.

Jason: Well, I feel significantly unclean at this point, how about you?

Jeff: I’m just looking for a way to contact Kenny on Rob’s behalf.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: But yes, I do feel significantly unclean, although after 18 days of Mellowmas, it’s hard to tell.

Jason: Merry Mellowmas, Rob! Hope an unimaginable life is headed your way!

Jeff: Hey, at the Kenny Loggins Web Store, you can purchase Kenny Loggins ringtones! I wonder if they have one for this song.

Jason: If not, we could easily make one and send it to Robert.

Jeff: Autographed tour poster: $40!

Jason: Forget it. I want to punish Rob, but not $40 punish him.

Jeff: I keep looking for a Wing-style option to have Kenny call the person of your choice, but sadly, Kenny appears not to care about his fans as much as Wing.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Looks like Rob got off lucky this time. THIS TIME.

Jeff: But Rob, I swear to God, if you recommend anything else for Mellowmas…

Jason: …we’ll send you a copy of The Unimaginable Life. Both the book AND the CD. You have been warned!

Jeff: As for the rest of you, well, maybe an enema will help settle your stomachs.

Jason: Good luck, everyone!