The Eleventh Day of Mellowmas: A New Jack Mellowmas

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Day Eleven!  Are you exhausted?  We know we’re exhausted.  But the Mellowmas show must go on.  Stay strong, readers!  And get yo’ groove on!

Freddie Jackson — Christmas Forever (download)

From The Greatest Hits of Freddie Jackson Amazon iTunes

Jason: oooh YEAH!

Jeff: Oh wow.

Jason: Funk-ay! New Jack SWANG!

Jeff: See, this is what I think of when I think of terrible Christmas music. Happy Holidays from Casio!

Jason: This is terrible? I love this! I’m groovin’ in my chair!

Jeff: Everybody IS laughing, Freddie.

Jason: Every little step I take! You…will…be…there…Wait, this isn’t Bobby Brown?

Jeff: Mama’s making everyone’s favorite recipe!

Jason: Wow, she’s gonna be in the kitchen for a while!

Christmas forever!
Let’s stay together!

Jeff: I pray we never let Christmas slip away!

Jason: Oooh yeah, Jeff.

Jeff: Freddie is FEELING this.

Jason: So am I. Why did you choose this? Were you hoping for something similar to last year’s Keith Sweat incident?

Jeff: I suppose I was. You can’t get much better than “Joy to Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat has come.”

Jason: “Hark the herald Freddie Jackson sings” doesn’t have the same ring to it. And Freddie doesn’t seem to be sexing us up the way Keith was.

Jeff: Well, no, Freddie isn’t sexing us up quite that way, but he sure is trying hard. Freddie gets an A for effort.

Jason: You should see me right now. I’m doing the whitest dance imaginable.

Jeff: Well, hey, it’s the special day that makes the world feel as one. Why wouldn’t you?

Two Freddies!

Jason: He just slipped “Christ” in there somewhere. It was subtle. A subtle Jesus Christ mention. Boy, does he want to be Luther Vandross or what?

Jeff: How many Freddies did we get in that fadeout?

Jason: I think at least three.

Jeff: I picture him in his garage studio in Secaucus, frantically overdubbing all afternoon.

Jason: I really didn’t think that was so bad. You didn’t like it? I mean, it wasn’t a Christmas classic, but I enjoyed the groove.

Jeff: Well, no, not really. But mainly because it was so ordinary, not because there was anything really awful about it. I mean, Freddie can sing, and his heart is in the right place. And he doesn’t leer at us on the cover the way Keith Sweat did.

Jeff: Still, it kind of feels like he had a leftover groove that he never wrote lyrics for, and he maybe forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present.

Jason: Ha! That’s totally it, I bet. Wait a minute. I’m looking at some of Freddie’s other singles. “Tasty Love.”

Jeff: That’s disgusting.

Jason: “Can I Touch You.”

Jeff: Is he Keith Sweat’s alter ego?

Jason: “Rub Up Against You.”

Jeff: Goodness gracious.

Jason: Why couldn’t we get some of those sentiments in this Christmas song?

Jeff: I guess Freddie has class?

Jason: I mean, it would have been awful, but we would have had more to talk about, at least.

Jeff: On December 25th? I’m still holding out hope for a MILLIE Jackson Christmas album.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That would STINK! Literally. I’m pretty sure Millie Jackson doesn’t bathe.

Jeff: That’s Mellowmas giving! I’m going to send her an e-mail about recording next year’s theme song. “Back to the Mellowmas Shit.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: You hear that, Freddie Jackson?

Jason: Do you smell what Millie Jackson is…wearing?

Jeff: If you want to be part of next year’s celebration, let’s hear some of that nasty “Tasty Love” funk in your next holiday album.

Jason: Yeah, Freddie! Bring it! No more of this innocent New Jack Christmas bull!

Jeff: In closing, I would like to leave you, and everyone, with the following image.

Jason: Thanks a lot! What a terrible way to end today’s post!

Jeff: I am ordering you a Millie Jackson “Old Bitches Got It Going On” t-shirt. And her “Butt-A-Cize” CD single.

Jason: I was just about to do the same thing for you!

Jeff: Awwwwwww! Mellowmas really IS the most wonderful time of the year!

Jason: Actually, I was going to buy your mom the “Taking Care of Bitchness” shirt.

Jeff: It’ll go well with her “Taking Care of Bitchness” trucker hat!

Jason: I was going to get her the Young Man, Older Woman DVD, but I’m pretty sure she filmed her own version.

Jeff: I think your mom was in the sequel. Young Man, Older Woman II: The Thickening.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I don’t even know what that means, but I love it!

Jeff: Happy Freddie Jackson Mellowmas, friend! You’ve earned it!

Jason: And to you as well, fucker!

Jeff: And to all a good night!