Jason: GODDAMMIT!
Jeff: Something got you down, buddy? Something other than Mellowmas in general, I mean?
Jason: She & Him released a Christmas record.
Jeff: Oh, right. THAT shit. You know, I do not care for the Zooey Deschanel.
Jason: You know how iTunes, and digital music in general, has made it so we never have to delete anything? It can just languish in loneliness on our computers forever?
Jeff: I do! That’s how I have the complete works of Kansas!
Jason: The first She & Him album is one of the only ones I actually deleted from my hard drive.
Jeff: Which is why they’re perfect for Mellowmas.
Jason: I deleted it, then I emptied the Trash, then I used my Norton program to make sure it was completely wiped clear.
Jeff: Yeah, that one kind of made me mad too. I mean, she can sing, and M. Ward is certainly talented, but I can never stop myself from thinking that there are probably a thousand bands — in L.A. alone — that are doing stuff more interesting than She & Him.
Jason: I don’t mind her as an actress, and when she sings in movies, it doesn’t bother me. But that album just irritated me.
Jeff: It’s a shrug! The more people swoon over her “adorkability,” though, the more I sort of hate her.
Jason: Yes. And they all carry ukuleles.
Jeff: I tried watching her sitcom, but I couldn’t make it past the opening credit sequence where she does cute poses during the theme song. Also, that’s when I knew it would be a hit.
Jason: Does she carry a ukulele?
Jeff: I don’t remember. I think I was screaming.
Jason: Now, I do like the name of this record: A Very She & Him Christmas. I think every record in the world should be A Very (insert something here) Christmas.
Actually, I also like the idea of that being the literal title. “A Very (insert something here) Christmas.”
I haven’t listened to a single note of this record yet. But I already know i’m going to hate it.
Jeff: Yeah, I was just about to confess the same thing. I know it’s one of the big holiday releases this year, and as such I knew we’d have to cover it, but I just didn’t want to.
Jason: Let’s see…so many choices…
“Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Didn’t she already cover that with Leon Redbone?
Jeff: I don’t want to talk about that.
Jason: She did! Oh God, why do I know that. Like, why do I know it FROM MEMORY.
Jeff: Was it in Elf? It was probably in Elf.
Leon Redbone makes everything better. If he was the “Him” in “She & Him,” I’d buy all their records.
Jason: Let’s see what else is on here…”Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” I bet that title is 100% false.
Jeff: I wish Metallica had collaborated with Leon Redbone instead of Lou Reed.
Jason: That would have been amazing. Now I’m imagining Leon Redbone and Charo.
Jeff: Leon Redbone should have taken the lead vocal position in Van Halen after Gary Cherone left.
Jason: Leon Redbone and Menudo.
Jeff: Skrillex should produce something by Leon Redbone.
Jason: Leon Redbone and Gwar.
Jeff: We’re sort of just stalling at this point, aren’t we? All right. I just splashed some cold water on my face. I’m ready for this.
Jason: How about “Little Saint Nick”? I love that song. The Beach Boys, the Muppets…great versions.
Jeff: Yeah, what could go wrong, RIGHT?
Jason: AHH MOTHERFUCKER UKULELES. It’s not even “Merry Christmas Santa,” it’s “Merry Christmas Saint Nick.” She couldn’t even look up the lyrics!
Jeff: I never knew Christmas music could be this twee. I want to make her eat coal.
Jason: Hey, what’s more irritating than one Zooey Deschanel vocal?
Jeff: A THOUSAND GODDAMN ZOOEY DESCHANEL VOCALS AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jason: She makes nothing sound fun.
Jeff: She makes ukulele beatings sound fun.
Jason: Is there a music genre called “Wistful”? Because this belongs in it.
Jeff: No, this belongs in “Recorded in a Vintage Dress and Thick-Framed Glasses.”
Jason: I don’t think I have it in me to listen to another one.
Jeff: I wish I could really describe why she annoys me so much, because I feel like, on some level, I’m being unfair. But I can’t help it. Every time I listen to one of these songs, I dislike her more.
Jason: It’s your natural inclination to run away from anything deemed precious by hipsters.
Jeff: Her vocals always sound so…posed. You can picture her singing every single line as part of a Gap commercial.
Jason: Also, as my buddy Mike points out, the ukulele is now, like, the official instrument of Brooklyn.
Jeff: I don’t blame the ukulele for what happens in Brooklyn.
Jason: I remember when only decidedly uncool people were using that instrument. (Me.)
Jeff: You and Leon Redbone!
Jason: Thank you for mentioning him again. I’m going to go listen to him sing “Christmas Island.” I’ll feel better.
Jeff: Oh, I love “Christmas Island.”
Jason: I am SHOCKED that song isn’t on this She & Him record.
Given the mood of these vocals, I feel like every song should have the words “(Not Really)” added to the title.
Jeff: They did “Christmas Wish” instead. Wait, what is “Christmas Wish”?
Jason: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS
Jeff: Oh God, I think it might be an NRBQ song. Fuck you, She and Him! Fuck you for cursing me with conflicted emotions!
Jason: I listened to the first ten seconds. It was M. Ward singing.
Jeff: That sounds promising.
Jason: You can’t make me. It still sounds lonely and wistful. “Christmas Wish (Not Really)”
Jeff: But it’ll put a few cents in Joey Spampinato’s bank account.
Jason: Wait, is this really a cover of the NRBQ song?
Jeff: He’s the credited writer!
Jason: Ugh, fine. But I hate you.
Jason: See? Wistful.
Jeff: Hold on, I’m getting my fedora and a bottle of craft beer.
Jason: This isn’t that bad.
Jeff: No, I don’t hate it at all.
Jason: The reverb annoys me.
Jeff: That’s the M. Ward sound. He always sounds like he recorded his vocals inside a giant garbage can on Mars.
Hey! There’s Zooey, out in the hallway!
Nice solo! I don’t mind this at all.
Jason: So is this good, or is it good compared to everything else we’ve heard? Because I think I like it too.
Jeff: Merry Christmas, Jason. It’s the time of the year when all good dreams come true.
Jason: I’m so confused right now.
Jeff: Here, put on this newsboy cap.
Jason: I feel like you spiked my eggnog.
Jeff: I did! With small-batch bourbon from Brooklyn.
Jason: …am I now a hipster? Wait, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?
Jeff: Hey, how about we get on the subway and find some performance art?
Jason: WHERE DID THESE GLASSES COME FROM?
Jeff: The pawn shop! I “upcycled” them! After we get back from the art exhibit, we can eat the salad that we urban forage on the way home.
Jason: WORST MELLOWMAS EVER
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