Jeff: Something got you down, buddy? Something other than Mellowmas in general, I mean?

Jason: She & Him released a Christmas record.

Jeff: Oh, right. THAT shit. You know, I do not care for the Zooey Deschanel.

Jason: You know how iTunes, and digital music in general, has made it so we never have to delete anything? It can just languish in loneliness on our computers forever?

Jeff: I do! That’s how I have the complete works of Kansas!

Jason: The first She & Him album is one of the only ones I actually deleted from my hard drive.

Jeff: Which is why they’re perfect for Mellowmas.

Jason: I deleted it, then I emptied the Trash, then I used my Norton program to make sure it was completely wiped clear.

Jeff: Yeah, that one kind of made me mad too. I mean, she can sing, and M. Ward is certainly talented, but I can never stop myself from thinking that there are probably a thousand bands — in L.A. alone — that are doing stuff more interesting than She & Him.

Jason: I don’t mind her as an actress, and when she sings in movies, it doesn’t bother me. But that album just irritated me.

Jeff: It’s a shrug! The more people swoon over her “adorkability,” though, the more I sort of hate her.

Jason: Yes. And they all carry ukuleles.

Jeff: I tried watching her sitcom, but I couldn’t make it past the opening credit sequence where she does cute poses during the theme song. Also, that’s when I knew it would be a hit.

Jason: Does she carry a ukulele?

Jeff: I don’t remember. I think I was screaming.

Jason: Now, I do like the name of this record: A Very She & Him Christmas. I think every record in the world should be A Very (insert something here) Christmas.

Actually, I also like the idea of that being the literal title. “A Very (insert something here) Christmas.”

I haven’t listened to a single note of this record yet. But I already know i’m going to hate it.

Jeff: Yeah, I was just about to confess the same thing. I know it’s one of the big holiday releases this year, and as such I knew we’d have to cover it, but I just didn’t want to.

Jason: Let’s see…so many choices…

“Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Didn’t she already cover that with Leon Redbone?

Jeff: I don’t want to talk about that.

Jason: She did! Oh God, why do I know that. Like, why do I know it FROM MEMORY.

Jeff: Was it in Elf? It was probably in Elf.

Leon Redbone makes everything better. If he was the “Him” in “She & Him,” I’d buy all their records.

Jason: Let’s see what else is on here…”Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” I bet that title is 100% false.

Jeff: I wish Metallica had collaborated with Leon Redbone instead of Lou Reed.

Jason: That would have been amazing. Now I’m imagining Leon Redbone and Charo.

Jeff: Leon Redbone should have taken the lead vocal position in Van Halen after Gary Cherone left.

Jason: Leon Redbone and Menudo.

Jeff: Skrillex should produce something by Leon Redbone.

Jason: Leon Redbone and Gwar.

Jeff: We’re sort of just stalling at this point, aren’t we? All right. I just splashed some cold water on my face. I’m ready for this.

Jason: How about “Little Saint Nick”? I love that song. The Beach Boys, the Muppets…great versions.

Jeff: Yeah, what could go wrong, RIGHT?

She & Him — Little Saint Nick (download)
She & Him, "A Very Adorkable Christmas"
From A Very She & Him Christmas

Jason: AHH MOTHERFUCKER UKULELES. It’s not even “Merry Christmas Santa,” it’s “Merry Christmas Saint Nick.” She couldn’t even look up the lyrics!

Jeff: I never knew Christmas music could be this twee. I want to make her eat coal.

Jason: Hey, what’s more irritating than one Zooey Deschanel vocal?


Jason: She makes nothing sound fun.

Jeff: She makes ukulele beatings sound fun.

Jason: Is there a music genre called “Wistful”? Because this belongs in it.

Jeff: No, this belongs in “Recorded in a Vintage Dress and Thick-Framed Glasses.”

Jason: I don’t think I have it in me to listen to another one.

Jeff: I wish I could really describe why she annoys me so much, because I feel like, on some level, I’m being unfair. But I can’t help it. Every time I listen to one of these songs, I dislike her more.

Jason: It’s your natural inclination to run away from anything deemed precious by hipsters.

Jeff: Her vocals always sound so…posed. You can picture her singing every single line as part of a Gap commercial.

Jason: Also, as my buddy Mike points out, the ukulele is now, like, the official instrument of Brooklyn.

Jeff: I don’t blame the ukulele for what happens in Brooklyn.

Jason: I remember when only decidedly uncool people were using that instrument. (Me.)

Jeff: You and Leon Redbone!

Jason: Thank you for mentioning him again. I’m going to go listen to him sing “Christmas Island.” I’ll feel better.

Jeff: Oh, I love “Christmas Island.”

Jason: I am SHOCKED that song isn’t on this She & Him record.

Given the mood of these vocals, I feel like every song should have the words “(Not Really)” added to the title.

Jeff: They did “Christmas Wish” instead. Wait, what is “Christmas Wish”?


Jeff: Oh God, I think it might be an NRBQ song. Fuck you, She and Him! Fuck you for cursing me with conflicted emotions!

Jason: I listened to the first ten seconds. It was M. Ward singing.

Jeff: That sounds promising.

Jason: You can’t make me. It still sounds lonely and wistful. “Christmas Wish (Not Really)”

Jeff: But it’ll put a few cents in Joey Spampinato’s bank account.

Jason: Wait, is this really a cover of the NRBQ song?

Jeff: He’s the credited writer!

Jason: Ugh, fine. But I hate you.

She & Him — Christmas Wish (download)
She & Him, "A Very Adorkable Christmas"
From A Very She & Him Christmas

Jason: See? Wistful.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m getting my fedora and a bottle of craft beer.

Jason: This isn’t that bad.

Jeff: No, I don’t hate it at all.

Jason: The reverb annoys me.

Jeff: That’s the M. Ward sound. He always sounds like he recorded his vocals inside a giant garbage can on Mars.

Hey! There’s Zooey, out in the hallway!

Nice solo! I don’t mind this at all.

Jason: So is this good, or is it good compared to everything else we’ve heard? Because I think I like it too.

Jeff: Merry Christmas, Jason. It’s the time of the year when all good dreams come true.

Jason: I’m so confused right now.

Jeff: Here, put on this newsboy cap.

Jason: I feel like you spiked my eggnog.

Jeff: I did! With small-batch bourbon from Brooklyn.

Jason: …am I now a hipster? Wait, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?

Jeff: Hey, how about we get on the subway and find some performance art?


Jeff: The pawn shop! I “upcycled” them! After we get back from the art exhibit, we can eat the salad that we urban forage on the way home.


About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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