Jeff: Hey, Jason, look what came in the mail!
Jason: Is it anthrax? Please let it be anthrax.
Jeff: Robert De Niro made a holiday album!
Jeff: Wait, no, my mistake. It’s Susan Boyle!
Jeff: Time for a little real talk: I have to confess I never listened to Susan Boyle during all that fuss over her appearance on…what was it? America’s Got Nothing Better to Do?
Jason: I think it was Scatting With the Stars.
Jeff: I feel like every week, voting audiences are discovering some goddamn opera-singing mailman or eight-octave toddler.
Jason: I didn’t watch the show, but I did watch her appearance. And she was indeed good. I mean, it was a story made for television.
Jeff: I’m sure she was. And I was happy for her. But she didn’t need my help.
Jason: And then it became a story made for Hollywood, what with her being overwhelmed by all the press and paparazzi and whatnot.
Jeff: Oh, right, didn’t she go to rehab or something? Or was that Lindsay Lohan?
Jason: I think she checked into a place for exhaustion or something.
Jeff: “Exhaustion.” cough
Jason: Which, incidentally, is something I consider doing every Mellowmas.
Jeff: You’re not going anywhere, fucker!
Jason: Yeah, I know.
Jeff: Susan Boyle has brought us The Gift.
Jason: Joy of fucking joys. I guess I’ll go look at the tracklisting.
Jeff: Well, this all looks very Christmasy.
Jason: Track 1: “Perfect Day.” What the fuck is that?
Jeff: That’s the classic Lou Reed holiday carol! What says Christmas joy like Lou Reed? Haven’t you ever listened to his Metal Machine Hanukkah album?
Jason: A lot of Hebrew songs sound just like Metal Machine Music, actually. Track 2: “Hallelujah.” I’m guessing this is the Cohen song. Uh, not really Christmas, but okay, I guess we could stretch it a bit. Track 3: “Do You Hear What I Hear.” Okay, that’s Christmas. Track 4: “Don’t Dream…” Wait a second. Do you have the CD in front of you?
Jeff: I do.
Jason: What do you have down for Track 4? I think there’s a typo on Amazon.
Jeff: Let me see…it’s “Don’t Dream It’s Over.” That can’t be right, can it?
Jason: No. That’s what it says on Amazon, too.
Jeff: Maybe there’s another “Don’t Dream It’s Over.”
Jason: That’s gotta be wrong. “Don’t Dream It’s Over” has nothing to do with Christmas.
Jeff: Maybe it’s a Christmas carol in New Zealand. Susan Boyle is from New Zealand, right?
Jason: I thought she was from the same place Gollum came from. Oh wait, that is New Zealand! Good call!
Jeff: Hold on, I have to wipe off my monitor, keyboard, and desk.
Jason: It looks like all the songs after Track 4 are Christmas songs. “The First Noel,” “O Holy Night…”
Jeff: Well, naturally, now I don’t care about those.
Jason: “Make Me A Channel Of Your Peace.” Your mom made a channel of my piece the other night.
Jeff: That sounds like it hurt.
Jason: It was actually the least painful thing she’s ever done to me. That woman is ruthless.
Jeff: Speaking of ruthless women and pain, I’d really like to hear what a Christmas version of “Don’t Dream It’s Over” sounds like.
Jason: Wait, what? Jeff, we can’t.
Jeff: Why can’t we? Susan Boyle recorded it.
Jason: It’s not a Christmas song!
Jeff: This is a Christmas album. Look at the Christmas star on the cover! Did Thomas Kinkade do the artwork for this CD?
Jason: I don’t know, but I know the airbrush artist got some serious overtime pay.
Jeff: This album is probably already triple platinum.
Jason: But I shouldn’t go there. Anybody can mock Susan Boyle for not being attractive. We should probably mock her where it counts.
Jeff: It’s true. I prefer to mock her for her choice in Christmas music.
Jason: It’s not a Christmas song, but I can already see I’m losing this one.
Jeff: Of all the things that make no goddamn sense during Mellowmas, I think this takes the cake. Oh, wait, no, Susan Boyle just took the cake.
Jason: Somewhere, Carnie Wilson‘s ears just perked up.
Jeff: Does it count for anything if I stop laughing for a second and point out how awful we are? Probably not.
Jason: I don’t think anybody who reads this is particularly surprised.
Jeff: Let’s go from awful to awful. Want to hear a holiday version of “Don’t Dream It’s Over”?
Jeff: Too damn bad!
Susan Boyle — Don’t Dream It’s Over (download)
Jeff: Her voice sure is pretty.
Jason: Yeah, it really is.
Jeff: She sounds kind of like Celine Dion. I wonder if she is Celine Dion.
Jason: And I kind of like the stark arrangement.
Jeff: SHUT UP KIDS
Jason: ….and it’s ruined.
Jeff: When she sings over the kids, their combined voices sound like Robin Gibb.
Jason: What do you think: drum machine coming up?
Jeff: I think the percussion will be the sound of Neil Finn rolling around in his royalties from this cover.
Jason: Good for Neil Finn. Give him all the money in the world. JUST TURN THE KIDS OFF.
Jeff: Yes, good for Neil Finn. Not terribly good for this song, though. This production screams VERY IMPORTANT SONG.
Jason: Yes. Like it’s going to have a video of homeless children in Africa or something.
Jeff: “Every day, most of the people in the world have no idea who Neil Finn is. For just pennies a day…”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Why did this happen? My mind is boggled.
Jason: You’ve been Boyled, my friend!
Jeff: There are no new holiday lyrics in this version. Imagine, like, decorating your tree while this album is on.
Jason: No. There aren’t even any jingle bells.
Jeff: And then this song comes on.
Jason: Feeling guilty for buying any gifts at all.
Jeff: What an odd mixture of delicate and grossly bombastic.
Jason: Delicate + bombastic = pretentious. I mean, did we really need that cover on any album, let alone a Christmas album?
Neil Finn: Absolutely!
Jeff: Listening to this reminds me of Nick Lowe making a million bucks or something off Curtis Stigers covering one of his songs for the Bodyguard soundtrack.
Jason: Neil Finn just bought a private jet, I bet.
Jeff: Or the famous Michael Caine quote about making Jaws IV.
Jason: Well, if it helps Neil Finn out, I obviously support it, but man, that was one heavy-handed cover. No pun intended.
Jeff: Heavy-handed and completely nonsensical in the context of a Christmas album. I would dearly love to know what the thought process behind this cover was.
Jason: What do you think she was staring at in real life? Go ahead, I dare you to say a Christmas ham.
Jeff: I say we ask our readers to guess. And the best guess gets a $25 code for purchases at Rhino Records!
Jason: Including a Rhino mention during a Susan Boyle discussion? You’re a jerk.
Jeff: It’s part of the Circle of Mellowmas, my friend. Readers, help us make something beautiful out of this senseless holiday music tragedy. Tell us what Susan Boyle was really staring at when she had her picture taken for the cover of The Gift.
Jason: Unacceptable answers: ham, a bag of money…
[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/yTKVeImzNL8" width="600" height="344" allowfullscreen="true" fvars="fs=1" /]