The First Day of Mellowmas: Fruitcayyyyke!

Jason: Ahh, nothing like the very first day of Mellowmas! What’s on the plate for our 2010 inaugural chat, good buddy?

Jeff: How do you feel about Charles Nelson Reilly and Jm J. Bullock?

Jason: Are those two different people?

Jeff: I’m not sure. But how would you feel about spending Christmas with either of them? While they were singing? Loudly?

Jason: Oh my God. OH MY GOD. Did Charles Nelson Reilly and Jm J. Bullock make a Christmas album?

Jeff: God can’t hear you, Jason.

Jason: That’s right! I forgot that God turned His back on Mellowmas years ago.

Jeff: God turned His back on Mellowmas on July 1, 1951.

Jason: What happened on July 1, 1951?

Jeff: Otherwise known as the day Fred Schneider was born.

Jason: Fred Schneider? Like, B-52s Fred Schneider?

Jeff: The one and only!

Jason: The B-52s did a Christmas album?

Jeff: Nope! Just Fred. JUST FRED.

Jason: This sounds awful.

Jeff: Well, that isn’t totally true. He assembled a band for the album. They’re called the Superions. I think Osama bin Laden plays drums.

Jason: What exactly is a Superion?

Jeff: According to Wikipedia, it’s “a messenger sent from Hell.”

Jason: Oh. I thought maybe it was a gay robot.

Jeff: I think Idi Amin plays bass for the Superions.

Jason: So the Superions have a Christmas album, huh? Let me look this up.

Jeff: Pol Pot plays keyboards. And on background vocals? Yoko Ono.

Jason: Oh here it is. It says they’re managed by Leona Helmsley. They have a song called “Fruitcake.” OF COURSE THEY DO.

Jeff: Yes, because what is Fred Schneider known for, if not for his subtle humor? Oh, I know: ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME EVERY TIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH.

Jason: Well, then this track seems tailor-made for Mellowmas, doesn’t it?

Jeff: It does, but I’m still never going to forgive you for sending this to me.

Jason: Ready?

Jeff: grrrrrrrrrggggggggggrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn

The Superions — Fruitcake (download)

From Destination…Christmas! 

Jason: Keyboard bass!

Jeff: No vocals! I love it!
Ah, shit.

Jason: Oh my God.

Jeff: Jason, I hate you.

Jason: I can’t stand his voice.
FRUITCAYKE! Citrus Pee-ul! Add what you fee-ul!

Jeff: On the one hand, I’m sort of impressed that this is the first song to use the ingredients for fruitcake as the basis for the lyrics. On the other, I WISH I WAS DEAD.

Jason: Cinn-ah-mun!

Jeff: Green cherries?

Jason: If he says “Fruitcake” one more time, I’m going to shove my head through a plate glass window. Bongos. Oh God.

Jeff: How many plate glass windows do you have? Because I think we’re going to hear “Fruitcake” about a hundred times.

Jason: “Put the oven on low, three hours or mo’.”

Jeff: This song includes the line “Oh no, you sillies.”

Jason: This is so awful.

Jeff: Can you have vertigo while sitting down?

Jason: “It could kill you dead! It’s this song! I mean, it’s fruitcake!” He’s so happy singing that word. All those bongos. “Do the fruitcake!” “Don’t call me fruitcake!”

Jeff: Did you know that you can’t stab yourself to death with a computer mouse?

Jason: No, but you can do some serious damage if you try to swallow it. Ask Fred Schneider.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m breathing deeply. I’m so glad that song is over.

Jason: Wow. That was really, really awful. I wonder how many times he sings the word “Fruitcake” in that song.

Jeff: Of all the things that were inexplicably popular in the ’80s — Nagel paintings, acid-washed jeans, Demi Moore — none made less sense to me than Fred Schneider.

Jason: Wait, now I really want to know. How many times does he say “Fruitcake”? You know what we should do?

Jeff: No, but I know I’m refusing to do it!

Jason: We should listen again and count how many times he says “Fruitcake.”

Jeff: Hey, I was right!

Jason: I mean, our readers probably want to know, too.

Jeff: I don’t think you know what our readers want.

Jason: They can do it along with us! And then we can all light ourselves on fire together.

Jeff: I would rather eat a real fruitcake.

Jason: I’ll call Fred and see if he’s available.

Jeff: And by “eat a real fruitcake,” I mean “feast on Fred Schneider’s corpse.”

Jason: Ha! C’mon, let’s listen again! It’ll be fun! And I know the ingredients for fun.

Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: One of them is red dye #2.

Jeff: sigh Green cherries?

Jason: Green ones too! It’s FRUITCAYYYYYYYKE! Let’s listen again and count, you silly!

Jeff: Goddamn you, let’s get this over with.

Jason: Wheeeeee!

The Superions — Fruitcake (download)

From Destination…Christmas!

Jeff: This is my favorite part of the song.

Jason: One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Right now too much time is going by without the word “fruitcake.”

Jeff: I disagree.

Jason: Here it comes!
FIVE!
SIX!
S E V E N ! !
EIGHT!
Green ones too! Number nine!
Ten!
Bongos!

Jeff: This is my second-favorite part of the song.

Jason: The instrumental part again?

Jeff: Never have I been happier to hear a synth bongo solo.

Jason: Put the oven on low! Three hours or mo’!

Jeff: Stick your head in!

Jason: Wrap it in rum, yum yum yum! ELEVEN!
Twelve!
Thirteen!
Fourteen!
Fifteen!
SIXTEEN, MOTHERFUCKER!
Seventeen!
Eighteen!
Are you still there!
Nineteen, twenty!
Twenty-four!
….Jeff?

Jeff: I counted 29.

Jason: You did? I counted 30.

Jeff: Twenty-nine reasons to punch you.

Jason: Wait, we’re off by one. Either you’re right or I’m right. We can’t both be right.

Jeff: You’re missing the point, which is that this song shouldn’t exist.

Jason: No, I have to get this right. We have to know how many there are. I think we should listen again.

Jeff: Something terrible has happened to you since last Mellowmas.

Jason: FRUITCAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYKE!

Jeff: Can you explain Fred Schneider’s appeal to me?

Jason: Well, he’s out and loud and proud, so there’s that.

Jeff: And that’s great. But the MUSIC.

Jason: Oh. No. I have no clue.

Jeff: Fred Schneider must be a wealthy man. How did he become wealthy?
By doing this.
By doing this, Jason.

Jason: Uh, I beg to differ. He did not become wealthy by singing about fruitcake.

Jeff: What he’s singing is immaterial. He could sing the great American songbook, and he’d be every bit as annoying.
imagines it, shudders

Jason: Oh my God! YES! Let’s imagine songs that Fred Schneider could do!

Jeff: Have you heard his cover of Harry Nilsson’s “Coconut”?

Jason: No, but I don’t feel like I need to. I can imagine that one just fine in my head, thank you.

Jeff: It sounds like monkeys having sex in a pile of cocaine.

Jason: I think I’d prefer that to FRUITCAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYKE.

Jeff: Well, yeah, it’s better than this. But just barely. There are a lot of Fred Schneider enablers in the world, and they made this possible, and I’m angry.

Jason: Maybe you should send them all a gift. I have an idea what you could send them. Do you want to know what it is?

Jeff: Does it contain green cherries? Red dye #2?

Jason: IT’S ARSENIC! I mean FRUITCAYYYYKE! I’d like to hear this song with other words instead of FRUITCAAAAAYYYYKE. It’s ANTHRAX!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: It’s CANCER!

Jeff: It’s LOVE SHACK!

Jason: It’s TAMPAX!
…and I just wrote a BRILLIANT commercial jingle.

Jeff: I swear to God, if I end up seeing a Tampax commercial that uses Fred Schneider’s “Fruitcake,” the police will never find your body.

Jason: It’s HOMICIDE! It’s MELLOWMAS!

Jeff: You made me play that song twice, and now my kids are hitting each other.

Jason: Really? Because Jess is looking over my shoulder and laughing, and she hasn’t even heard the song. Actually, that’s probably why she’s not hitting me. I should make her listen to it.

Jeff: Having heard most of this awful album, I think you can play her pretty much any random track and get the same result.

Jason: Ha! I just went to make her listen to it, and she ran and locked herself in the bathroom.

Jeff: Including “Teddy and Betty Yeti” or “Santa’s Disco.”

Jason: I’m chasing her with my laptop. I should wait until she’s on the toilet.

Jeff: Ha! Now THAT’S Mellowmas!

Jason: “Hey Jess, whatcha makin’?”

Jeff: “The same thing Fred Schneider did!”

Jason: FRUITCAYYYYYYYYYYKE!


Now that you’ve made it through Fred Schneider’s “Fruitcake” — twice! — you deserve a reward. So head on over to Rhino, where our reissue-lovin’ friends are offering a 40% discount on Vanilla Fudge’s Box of Fudge (reviewed by our own Dw. Dunphy here). Hungry for some sweet rock ‘n’ roll? Click here!

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Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?