Jason: Ahh, nothing like the very first day of Mellowmas! What’s on the plate for our 2010 inaugural chat, good buddy?
Jeff: How do you feel about Charles Nelson Reilly and Jm J. Bullock?
Jason: Are those two different people?
Jeff: I’m not sure. But how would you feel about spending Christmas with either of them? While they were singing? Loudly?
Jason: Oh my God. OH MY GOD. Did Charles Nelson Reilly and Jm J. Bullock make a Christmas album?
Jeff: God can’t hear you, Jason.
Jason: That’s right! I forgot that God turned His back on Mellowmas years ago.
Jeff: God turned His back on Mellowmas on July 1, 1951.
Jason: What happened on July 1, 1951?
Jeff: Otherwise known as the day Fred Schneider was born.
Jason: Fred Schneider? Like, B-52s Fred Schneider?
Jeff: The one and only!
Jason: The B-52s did a Christmas album?
Jeff: Nope! Just Fred. JUST FRED.
Jason: This sounds awful.
Jeff: Well, that isn’t totally true. He assembled a band for the album. They’re called the Superions. I think Osama bin Laden plays drums.
Jason: What exactly is a Superion?
Jeff: According to Wikipedia, it’s “a messenger sent from Hell.”
Jason: Oh. I thought maybe it was a gay robot.
Jeff: I think Idi Amin plays bass for the Superions.
Jason: So the Superions have a Christmas album, huh? Let me look this up.
Jeff: Pol Pot plays keyboards. And on background vocals? Yoko Ono.
Jason: Oh here it is. It says they’re managed by Leona Helmsley. They have a song called “Fruitcake.” OF COURSE THEY DO.
Jeff: Yes, because what is Fred Schneider known for, if not for his subtle humor? Oh, I know: ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME EVERY TIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH.
Jason: Well, then this track seems tailor-made for Mellowmas, doesn’t it?
Jeff: It does, but I’m still never going to forgive you for sending this to me.
The Superions — Fruitcake (download)
Jason: Keyboard bass!
Jeff: No vocals! I love it!
Jason: Oh my God.
Jeff: Jason, I hate you.
Jason: I can’t stand his voice.
FRUITCAYKE! Citrus Pee-ul! Add what you fee-ul!
Jeff: On the one hand, I’m sort of impressed that this is the first song to use the ingredients for fruitcake as the basis for the lyrics. On the other, I WISH I WAS DEAD.
Jeff: Green cherries?
Jason: If he says “Fruitcake” one more time, I’m going to shove my head through a plate glass window. Bongos. Oh God.
Jeff: How many plate glass windows do you have? Because I think we’re going to hear “Fruitcake” about a hundred times.
Jason: “Put the oven on low, three hours or mo’.”
Jeff: This song includes the line “Oh no, you sillies.”
Jason: This is so awful.
Jeff: Can you have vertigo while sitting down?
Jason: “It could kill you dead! It’s this song! I mean, it’s fruitcake!” He’s so happy singing that word. All those bongos. “Do the fruitcake!” “Don’t call me fruitcake!”
Jeff: Did you know that you can’t stab yourself to death with a computer mouse?
Jason: No, but you can do some serious damage if you try to swallow it. Ask Fred Schneider.
Jeff: Hold on, I’m breathing deeply. I’m so glad that song is over.
Jason: Wow. That was really, really awful. I wonder how many times he sings the word “Fruitcake” in that song.
Jeff: Of all the things that were inexplicably popular in the ’80s — Nagel paintings, acid-washed jeans, Demi Moore — none made less sense to me than Fred Schneider.
Jason: Wait, now I really want to know. How many times does he say “Fruitcake”? You know what we should do?
Jeff: No, but I know I’m refusing to do it!
Jason: We should listen again and count how many times he says “Fruitcake.”
Jeff: Hey, I was right!
Jason: I mean, our readers probably want to know, too.
Jeff: I don’t think you know what our readers want.
Jason: They can do it along with us! And then we can all light ourselves on fire together.
Jeff: I would rather eat a real fruitcake.
Jason: I’ll call Fred and see if he’s available.
Jeff: And by “eat a real fruitcake,” I mean “feast on Fred Schneider’s corpse.”
Jason: Ha! C’mon, let’s listen again! It’ll be fun! And I know the ingredients for fun.
Jason: One of them is red dye #2.
Jeff: sigh Green cherries?
Jason: Green ones too! It’s FRUITCAYYYYYYYKE! Let’s listen again and count, you silly!
Jeff: Goddamn you, let’s get this over with.
The Superions — Fruitcake (download)
Jeff: This is my favorite part of the song.
Right now too much time is going by without the word “fruitcake.”
Jeff: I disagree.
Jason: Here it comes!
S E V E N ! !
Green ones too! Number nine!
Jeff: This is my second-favorite part of the song.
Jason: The instrumental part again?
Jeff: Never have I been happier to hear a synth bongo solo.
Jason: Put the oven on low! Three hours or mo’!
Jeff: Stick your head in!
Jason: Wrap it in rum, yum yum yum! ELEVEN!
Are you still there!
Jeff: I counted 29.
Jason: You did? I counted 30.
Jeff: Twenty-nine reasons to punch you.
Jason: Wait, we’re off by one. Either you’re right or I’m right. We can’t both be right.
Jeff: You’re missing the point, which is that this song shouldn’t exist.
Jason: No, I have to get this right. We have to know how many there are. I think we should listen again.
Jeff: Something terrible has happened to you since last Mellowmas.
Jeff: Can you explain Fred Schneider’s appeal to me?
Jason: Well, he’s out and loud and proud, so there’s that.
Jeff: And that’s great. But the MUSIC.
Jason: Oh. No. I have no clue.
Jeff: Fred Schneider must be a wealthy man. How did he become wealthy?
By doing this.
By doing this, Jason.
Jason: Uh, I beg to differ. He did not become wealthy by singing about fruitcake.
Jeff: What he’s singing is immaterial. He could sing the great American songbook, and he’d be every bit as annoying.
imagines it, shudders
Jason: Oh my God! YES! Let’s imagine songs that Fred Schneider could do!
Jeff: Have you heard his cover of Harry Nilsson’s “Coconut”?
Jason: No, but I don’t feel like I need to. I can imagine that one just fine in my head, thank you.
Jason: I think I’d prefer that to FRUITCAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYKE.
Jeff: Well, yeah, it’s better than this. But just barely. There are a lot of Fred Schneider enablers in the world, and they made this possible, and I’m angry.
Jason: Maybe you should send them all a gift. I have an idea what you could send them. Do you want to know what it is?
Jeff: Does it contain green cherries? Red dye #2?
Jason: IT’S ARSENIC! I mean FRUITCAYYYYKE! I’d like to hear this song with other words instead of FRUITCAAAAAYYYYKE. It’s ANTHRAX!
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
Jason: It’s CANCER!
Jeff: It’s LOVE SHACK!
Jason: It’s TAMPAX!
…and I just wrote a BRILLIANT commercial jingle.
Jeff: I swear to God, if I end up seeing a Tampax commercial that uses Fred Schneider’s “Fruitcake,” the police will never find your body.
Jason: It’s HOMICIDE! It’s MELLOWMAS!
Jeff: You made me play that song twice, and now my kids are hitting each other.
Jason: Really? Because Jess is looking over my shoulder and laughing, and she hasn’t even heard the song. Actually, that’s probably why she’s not hitting me. I should make her listen to it.
Jeff: Having heard most of this awful album, I think you can play her pretty much any random track and get the same result.
Jason: Ha! I just went to make her listen to it, and she ran and locked herself in the bathroom.
Jeff: Including “Teddy and Betty Yeti” or “Santa’s Disco.”
Jason: I’m chasing her with my laptop. I should wait until she’s on the toilet.
Jeff: Ha! Now THAT’S Mellowmas!
Jason: “Hey Jess, whatcha makin’?”
Jeff: “The same thing Fred Schneider did!”
Now that you’ve made it through Fred Schneider’s “Fruitcake” — twice! — you deserve a reward. So head on over to Rhino, where our reissue-lovin’ friends are offering a 40% discount on Vanilla Fudge’s Box of Fudge (reviewed by our own Dw. Dunphy here). Hungry for some sweet rock ‘n’ roll? Click here!