The Fourteenth Day of Mellowmas: The Bubble and the Buble
Jason: Hey Jeff, you know what’s been a real high point for Mellowmas so far? And keep in mind that “high point” is relative.
Jeff: November 30!
Jason: Ha! Close! It was actually December 1.
Jeff: December 1 was Miss Alexis Lee, which was only a high point in terms of horrified comments from our readers.
Jason: That’s exactly what I’m talking about!
Jeff: I still can’t believe that record exists, Jason.
Jason: I know, neither can I. But more than that, I can’t figure out how you found it in the first place.
Jeff: I don’t remember. Have you ever gone searching for Christmas music at Amazon? The damnedest things turn up.
Jason: Well, I was thinking…you don’t like “Santa Baby,” right?
Jeff: I do not like “Santa Baby.” It’s grosser than “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”
Jason: So you don’t like the Madonna version, then.
Jeff: Again, I haven’t heard it, because again, I think the song is gross. What are you getting at? Are you going to make me listen to Madonna?
Jason: Well, NOW…yeah, maybe. You don’t even like the classic Eartha Kitt version? Really? I mean, that track has its charm.
Jeff: Eartha Kitt does make everything better. I can’t say anything bad about her version, because she’s legitimately sultry. The more we talk about “Santa Baby,” though, the more afraid I get. What the hell have you dug up? Did Clay Aiken sing a version or something?
Jason: Close! Fuckin’ Buble!
Jason: Ha, that’s a Charlie Brown word! And the more you feel like Charlie Brown, the happier I get.
Jeff: ALL MELLOWMAS, I FEEL LIKE CHARLIE BROWN
Jason: Buble released a Christmas album last year. But you probably know that, because it was absolutely unavoidable.
Jeff: If I’m going to be perfectly truthful, I have to admit that I don’t mind Buble, as long as he’s on TV. I’d never listen to one of his records on purpose, but he seems to have a good sense of humor, based on his SNL fake commercial for that unavoidable Christmas album. Did you see it? He did a duet with Lady Gaga, who was just a Christmas tree with eyes.
Jason: I enjoyed that as well, but watching him live is a curious thing. He always looks slightly confused.
Jeff: Maybe he knows that he isn’t doing anything special, and can’t quite figure out why mothers-in-law find him so irresistible — which, of course, is part of his irresistibility to mothers-in-law. Sneaky Buble!
Jason: Nah. The man knows his niche.
Jason: And the album, by the way, has been re-released this year with one new song, because apparently it’s okay to re-release albums like a year apart. You know why it’s okay?
Jeff: Uh oh.
Jason: Because mothers-in-law are stupid.
Jeff: Oh, whew — I was afraid you were going to say it was okay because the new song was a version of “Santa Baby.”
Jason: Oh, no. No worries there.
Jeff: Praise St. Mellowmas! I dodged a Bublet.
Jason: It’s on last year’s release.
Jeff: Last year’s release? AUGH
Jason: Snoopy dance
Jeff: You fucker! You double-faked me out. This was all a big leadup to get me to listen to another goddamn version of “Santa Baby.”
Jason: Woodstock dance
Jeff: drinks the last of the bourbon
Jason: So let’s listen to some Buble, shall we? That’s a rhetorical question, of course.
Jeff: If by “rhetorical,” you mean “asshole,” then yes, yes it is. Fine. I’ll go find Michael Buble’s “Santa Baby” on Spotify.
Jason: Stop stalling, asshole.
Jeff: Well, it’s like this.
Jason: Boy, do I hate it when you say that.
Jeff: Do you know what happens if you accidentally search for “Michael Bubble”?
Jason: I ridicule you for not knowing how to spell?
Jeff: Yes! And also, you find seven albums by a man who calls himself Michael Bubble.
Jeff: One of which is titled Christmas, Just the Two of Us.
Jason: You’re kidding.
Jeff: Which also includes a version of “Santa Baby.”
Jason: Why do I even say that? Of course I know you’re not kidding.
Jeff: I’m not kidding, but I suspect Michael Bubble might be. Of course, you know we need to find out for sure.
Jason: Wait a second — look at the tracks on these Michael Bubble albums.
Jeff: Mostly standards, right?
Jason: Yeah! I totally get what’s going on here!
Jeff: This guy goes on package tours with Josh Grobban and Andrea Boticelli, right?
Jason: His albums are produced by David Fostar!
Jeff: Yes! I love this. I love that this exists.
Jason: I was going to say this guy is a schmuck for creating an entire vague character in the hopes that people who can’t spell will mistakenly buy his albums. But he’s a FRIGGIN’ GENIUS.
Jeff: Yes! Exactly. I’m going to record an hour of my son talking and release it as an album by Justin Beiber.
Jason: That’s AMAZING.
Jeff: And I’m going to record my daughter singing along with the Wicked soundtrack and release that as the latest LP from Taylor Swiffer. But before that, I guess we need to do our Mellowmas duty and listen to Michael Bubble’s version of “Santa Baby.”
Jason: Tell you what. I’m feeling charitable. I’ll withhold “Santa Baby” until Buble if you want. We can listen to another one of this guy’s tracks.
Jeff: There are so many to choose from!
Jason: How about “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”?
Michael Bubble, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” (download)
Jason: Oooh, real drums. Just kidding!
Jeff: Oh, it’s so karaoke.
Jason: Wait, this guy doesn’t even sound CLOSE to Michael Buble!
Jeff: And kind of pervy, too. This Michael Bubble, he sounds like a Christmas roofie, doesn’t he?
Jason: Exactly! And he doesn’t even get the words exactly right!
Jeff: I guess we should count ourselves lucky that he can carry a tune. Even if the backing track is cheesy as all get-out.
Jason: He sounds vaguely British.
Jeff: I can’t figure out what’s going on here, actually. It has a sax solo, but everything else sounds like it came out of a can. And his vocals sound like they’ve been run through some sort of gross Pro Tools filter, too.
Jason: Jeff. We have to figure out who this guy is.
Jeff: I can’t figure out who he is! Google thinks I’m looking for Michael Buble when I try and do a search.
Jason: Yeah, I looked “Michael Bubble” up on Facebook and it redirected me as well!
Jeff: Like you said, this guy is a genius.
Jason: I see that his “Santa Baby” track is a duet with Claire Taylor, and I found her.
Jeff: “Type of Label: Unsigned”
Jason: I found this photo on Facebook:
You know what sells records? Album covers where the singer looks unsure if what she’s doing is a good idea.
Jeff: Yes! She looks like the album title is insulting her.
Her October 9 status update: “I wash, I clean, and still the work never ends, home help needed, how will I ever get to promote, Santa Baby, on the Michael Bubble christmas Album, out now on itunes, just the two of us….claire Taylor.”
Jason: What, a, good, question.
Jeff: We should hook her up with Maurice Starr. Or — even better! — Morris Star.
Jason: This release is on “Alexa International,” which I looked up and it just sent me to the Wikipedia page for “The Downeaster ‘Alexa’.” I am having redirect fails all day today.
Jeff: It’s all part of Michael Bubble’s savvy business plan, Jason. I’m just going to imagine that Michael Bubble is secretly Michael Buble on his days off.
Jason: I prefer to think that Michael Bubble is plotting to kidnap Michael Buble. And he would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those meddling Mellowmas kids!
Jeff: A real “Prince and the Popper” scenario. Although what you’re describing is more of a “Count of Monty Crisco” situation.
Jason: Okay, I’m giving up on figuring out the real identity of Michael Bubble. Readers, we throw it to you. First one to figure it out wins absolutely nothing.
Jeff: And readers, just be aware that according to Spotify, Michael Bubble released seven — SEVEN! — albums this year, including (of course) The Very Best Of. Did any of them include live drums? I’m willing to bet the answer is no.
Jason: He clearly has a thing for Frank Sanatra.
Jeff: And Bob Darrin! I see he covered “Beyond the Sea.”
Jason: I wonder if there’s a porn star named “Michael Booblay.”
Jeff: Please, let’s never find out.
Jason: Readers, if you find that out, you also win absolutely nothing. Anyway, we’re stalling.
Jason: Santa Baby.
Jeff: I was hoping Michael Bubble had distracted you.
Jason: I wish it was actually a song about a Santa Baby: “Santa baby / You’re one month old and you have a beard / That’s weird / You just pooped in your pants, Santa baby.”
Michael Buble, “Santa Baby” (download)
Jeff: I hate this.
Jason: Whoa, is that in a low key. I think that might be your mom on backing vocal.
Jeff: I think Michael Buble might be drunk! Does he always sing like this? His enunciation is bizarre.
Jason: I’m really bothered by the way he says “buddy.”
Jeff: Me too. And “hurry.” And kind of everything else, really.
Jason: “I’ll wait up for you, dude.” shudder
I understand changing the gender-related lyrics. But why change the year of the convertible and the color?
Jeff: Why add a line about hotties, for God’s sake?
Jason: Ah, “pally.” Not a word. I feel like he’s singing this song with a knife in his hand.
Jeff: I really thought this song was almost over just now, and then I realized we aren’t even halfway done.
Jason: Would your mother-in-law be happy with a two-minute Buble song?
Jeff: Jason baby / Gonna drive to Queens and stab you tonight
Jason: “Throw me on the first line?” That’s not the lyric!
Jeff: “Come and trim my Christmas tree”? Gross, Michael.
Jason: “With some decorations bought at Mercedes.” shakes head “Santa Poppy!” SANTA POPPY.
Jeff: He also said he wanted a yacht.
Jason: That’s in the original.
Jeff: No shit? Shows you what I know.
Well. That wasn’t as gross as Miss Alexis Lee’s version.
Jason: Musically, that track was fine, which is exactly what I was expecting. But it was just, like, subtly creepy.
Jeff: Vocally? Yes, creepy. And phoned in. If someone told me this song took longer to listen to than it did for Buble to record his vocal, I would believe them without a moment’s hesitation.
Jason: So, Jefito pally, what have we learned today?
Jeff: Well, Jason poppy, we learned about Michael Bubble, which is legitimately fascinating.
Jason: We learned that Claire Taylor is someone with a MySpace account.
Jeff: We also learned that Michael Buble is a materialistic prick who can’t pronounce certain surprising words.
Jason: We learned something else. We learned that you don’t know the words to a Christmas classic — so you might want to check your inbox in just a few minutes.
Jeff: Wait, what? Stay out of my inbox.
Jason: You’ve got homework, Jefito buddehhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Jeff: HOMEWORK? Mellowmas just got even worse!
Jason: Pig Pen dance