Jason: Hey Jeff, you know what’s been a real high point for Mellowmas so far? And keep in mind that “high point” is relative.

Jeff: November 30!

Jason: Ha! Close! It was actually December 1.

Jeff: December 1 was Miss Alexis Lee, which was only a high point in terms of horrified comments from our readers.

Jason: That’s exactly what I’m talking about!

Jeff: I still can’t believe that record exists, Jason.

Jason: I know, neither can I. But more than that, I can’t figure out how you found it in the first place.

Jeff: I don’t remember. Have you ever gone searching for Christmas music at Amazon? The damnedest things turn up.

Jason: Well, I was thinking…you don’t like “Santa Baby,” right?

Jeff: I do not like “Santa Baby.” It’s grosser than “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

Jason: So you don’t like the Madonna version, then.

Jeff: Again, I haven’t heard it, because again, I think the song is gross. What are you getting at? Are you going to make me listen to Madonna?

Jason: Well, NOW…yeah, maybe. You don’t even like the classic Eartha Kitt version? Really? I mean, that track has its charm.

Jeff: Eartha Kitt does make everything better. I can’t say anything bad about her version, because she’s legitimately sultry. The more we talk about “Santa Baby,” though, the more afraid I get. What the hell have you dug up? Did Clay Aiken sing a version or something?

Jason: Close! Fuckin’ Buble!

Jeff: AUGH

Jason: Ha, that’s a Charlie Brown word! And the more you feel like Charlie Brown, the happier I get.


Jason: Buble released a Christmas album last year. But you probably know that, because it was absolutely unavoidable.

Jeff: If I’m going to be perfectly truthful, I have to admit that I don’t mind Buble, as long as he’s on TV. I’d never listen to one of his records on purpose, but he seems to have a good sense of humor, based on his SNL fake commercial for that unavoidable Christmas album. Did you see it? He did a duet with Lady Gaga, who was just a Christmas tree with eyes.

Jason: I enjoyed that as well, but watching him live is a curious thing. He always looks slightly confused.

Jeff: Maybe he knows that he isn’t doing anything special, and can’t quite figure out why mothers-in-law find him so irresistible — which, of course, is part of his irresistibility to mothers-in-law. Sneaky Buble!

Jason: Nah. The man knows his niche.

Jeff: Mothers-in-law.

Jason: And the album, by the way, has been re-released this year with one new song, because apparently it’s okay to re-release albums like a year apart. You know why it’s okay?

Jeff: Uh oh.

Jason: Because mothers-in-law are stupid.

Jeff: Oh, whew — I was afraid you were going to say it was okay because the new song was a version of “Santa Baby.”

Jason: Oh, no. No worries there.

Jeff: Praise St. Mellowmas! I dodged a Bublet.

Jason: It’s on last year’s release.

Jeff: Last year’s release? AUGH

Jason: Snoopy dance

Jeff: You fucker! You double-faked me out. This was all a big leadup to get me to listen to another goddamn version of “Santa Baby.”

Jason: Woodstock dance

Jeff: drinks the last of the bourbon
slaps face

Jason: So let’s listen to some Buble, shall we? That’s a rhetorical question, of course.

Jeff: If by “rhetorical,” you mean “asshole,” then yes, yes it is. Fine. I’ll go find Michael Buble’s “Santa Baby” on Spotify.


Jason: Stop stalling, asshole.

Jeff: Well, it’s like this.

Jason: Boy, do I hate it when you say that.

Jeff: Do you know what happens if you accidentally search for “Michael Bubble”?

Jason: I ridicule you for not knowing how to spell?

Jeff: Yes! And also, you find seven albums by a man who calls himself Michael Bubble.

Jason: What?

Jeff: One of which is titled Christmas, Just the Two of Us.

Jason: You’re kidding.

Jeff: Which also includes a version of “Santa Baby.”

Jason: Why do I even say that? Of course I know you’re not kidding.

Jeff: I’m not kidding, but I suspect Michael Bubble might be. Of course, you know we need to find out for sure.

Jason: Wait a second — look at the tracks on these Michael Bubble albums.

Jeff: Mostly standards, right?

Jason: Yeah! I totally get what’s going on here!

Jeff: This guy goes on package tours with Josh Grobban and Andrea Boticelli, right?

Jason: His albums are produced by David Fostar!

Jeff: Yes! I love this. I love that this exists.

Jason: I was going to say this guy is a schmuck for creating an entire vague character in the hopes that people who can’t spell will mistakenly buy his albums. But he’s a FRIGGIN’ GENIUS.

Jeff: Yes! Exactly. I’m going to record an hour of my son talking and release it as an album by Justin Beiber.

Jason: That’s AMAZING.

Jeff: And I’m going to record my daughter singing along with the Wicked soundtrack and release that as the latest LP from Taylor Swiffer. But before that, I guess we need to do our Mellowmas duty and listen to Michael Bubble’s version of “Santa Baby.”

Jason: Tell you what. I’m feeling charitable. I’ll withhold “Santa Baby” until Buble if you want. We can listen to another one of this guy’s tracks.

Jeff: There are so many to choose from!

Jason: How about “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”?

Michael Bubble, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” (download)

Jason: Oooh, real drums. Just kidding!

Jeff: Oh, it’s so karaoke.

Jason: Wait, this guy doesn’t even sound CLOSE to Michael Buble!

Jeff: And kind of pervy, too. This Michael Bubble, he sounds like a Christmas roofie, doesn’t he?

Jason: Exactly! And he doesn’t even get the words exactly right!

Jeff: I guess we should count ourselves lucky that he can carry a tune. Even if the backing track is cheesy as all get-out.

Jason: He sounds vaguely British.

Jeff: I can’t figure out what’s going on here, actually. It has a sax solo, but everything else sounds like it came out of a can. And his vocals sound like they’ve been run through some sort of gross Pro Tools filter, too.

Jason: Jeff. We have to figure out who this guy is.

Jeff: I can’t figure out who he is! Google thinks I’m looking for Michael Buble when I try and do a search.

Jason: Yeah, I looked “Michael Bubble” up on Facebook and it redirected me as well!

Jeff: Like you said, this guy is a genius.

Jason: I see that his “Santa Baby” track is a duet with Claire Taylor, and I found her.

Jeff: “Type of Label: Unsigned”

Jason: I found this photo on Facebook:

You know what sells records? Album covers where the singer looks unsure if what she’s doing is a good idea.

Jeff: Yes! She looks like the album title is insulting her.

Her October 9 status update: “I wash, I clean, and still the work never ends, home help needed, how will I ever get to promote, Santa Baby, on the Michael Bubble christmas Album, out now on itunes, just the two of us….claire Taylor.”

Jason: What, a, good, question.

Jeff: We should hook her up with Maurice Starr. Or — even better! — Morris Star.

Jason: This release is on “Alexa International,” which I looked up and it just sent me to the Wikipedia page for “The Downeaster ‘Alexa’.” I am having redirect fails all day today.

Jeff: It’s all part of Michael Bubble’s savvy business plan, Jason. I’m just going to imagine that Michael Bubble is secretly Michael Buble on his days off.

Jason: I prefer to think that Michael Bubble is plotting to kidnap Michael Buble. And he would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those meddling Mellowmas kids!

Jeff: A real “Prince and the Popper” scenario. Although what you’re describing is more of a “Count of Monty Crisco” situation.

Jason: Okay, I’m giving up on figuring out the real identity of Michael Bubble. Readers, we throw it to you. First one to figure it out wins absolutely nothing.

Jeff: And readers, just be aware that according to Spotify, Michael Bubble released seven — SEVEN! — albums this year, including (of course) The Very Best Of. Did any of them include live drums? I’m willing to bet the answer is no.

Jason: He clearly has a thing for Frank Sanatra.

Jeff: And Bob Darrin! I see he covered “Beyond the Sea.”

Jason: I wonder if there’s a porn star named “Michael Booblay.”

Jeff: Please, let’s never find out.

Jason: Readers, if you find that out, you also win absolutely nothing. Anyway, we’re stalling.

Jeff, baby.

Jeff: sigh

Jason: Santa Baby.

Jeff: I was hoping Michael Bubble had distracted you.

Jason: I wish it was actually a song about a Santa Baby: “Santa baby / You’re one month old and you have a beard / That’s weird / You just pooped in your pants, Santa baby.”

Michael Buble, “Santa Baby” (download)

Jeff: I hate this.

Jason: Whoa, is that in a low key. I think that might be your mom on backing vocal.

Jeff: I think Michael Buble might be drunk! Does he always sing like this? His enunciation is bizarre.

Jason: I’m really bothered by the way he says “buddy.”

Jeff: Me too. And “hurry.” And kind of everything else, really.

Jason: “I’ll wait up for you, dude.” shudder

I understand changing the gender-related lyrics. But why change the year of the convertible and the color?

Jeff: Why add a line about hotties, for God’s sake?

Jason: Ah, “pally.” Not a word. I feel like he’s singing this song with a knife in his hand.

Jeff: I really thought this song was almost over just now, and then I realized we aren’t even halfway done.

Jason: Would your mother-in-law be happy with a two-minute Buble song?

Jeff: Jason baby / Gonna drive to Queens and stab you tonight

Jason: “Throw me on the first line?” That’s not the lyric!

Jeff: “Come and trim my Christmas tree”? Gross, Michael.

Jason: “With some decorations bought at Mercedes.” shakes head “Santa Poppy!” SANTA POPPY.

Jeff: He also said he wanted a yacht.

Jason: That’s in the original.

Jeff: No shit? Shows you what I know.

Well. That wasn’t as gross as Miss Alexis Lee’s version.

Jason: Musically, that track was fine, which is exactly what I was expecting. But it was just, like, subtly creepy.

Jeff: Vocally? Yes, creepy. And phoned in. If someone told me this song took longer to listen to than it did for Buble to record his vocal, I would believe them without a moment’s hesitation.

Jason: So, Jefito pally, what have we learned today?

Jeff: Well, Jason poppy, we learned about Michael Bubble, which is legitimately fascinating.

Jason: We learned that Claire Taylor is someone with a MySpace account.

Jeff: We also learned that Michael Buble is a materialistic prick who can’t pronounce certain surprising words.

Jason: We learned something else. We learned that you don’t know the words to a Christmas classic — so you might want to check your inbox in just a few minutes.

Jeff: Wait, what? Stay out of my inbox.

Jason: You’ve got homework, Jefito buddehhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Jeff: HOMEWORK? Mellowmas just got even worse!

Jason: Pig Pen dance

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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