Every once in a while, a beautiful (mostly) instrumental Christmas album is released. And then, every once in a while, a curveball is inserted smack into the middle of the tracklist. Observe!
Jerry Douglas — Santa Claus is Coming to Town (download)
Jeff: Oh God.
Jason: …Cookie Monster?
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Who is this and why does he want to steal my soul?
Jeff: This is not cool. I was expecting a couple minutes of pleasant bluegrass.
Jason: Is this what you do when you can’t afford Tom Waits?
Jeff: How can you not afford Tom Waits? I’m pretty sure all you have to do is leave a trail of old tennis balls and chewed up cigars.
Jason: I don’t know what to think of this. It’s alternately pretty and creepy. So I guess it’s pretty creepy. Oh, THERE’S Jerry Douglas on the track, I suppose.
Jeff: Okay, so that transition from the vocal to the solo was pretty terrific.
Jason: Yeah, the solo was pretty good.
Jeff: It’s like two different songs.
Jason: Was that Jerry Douglas?
Jeff: I hope so. It’s his name on the song.
Jason: I think I’ve only heard him play whatever that instrument is that he plays.
Jeff: He plays a resophonic — maybe that’s what you’re thinking of.
Jason: Well, that’s over. 2:11 is apparently enough time to give me nightmares for the rest of the holiday season.
Jeff: I’d love to know what the hell Jerry Douglas was thinking when he decided to record this.
Jason: I’ve seen him play with Union Station.
Jeff: Did he look like the Devil?
Jason: No, he looks like a carpenter, like all the other bluegrass musicians.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This song is just…so…weird.
Jason: Well, the rest of the album is quite pretty.
Jeff: I could understand it if the whole thing wanted to be funny, or creepy. But it sounds like he sat down to record a straight version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” and fell on his throat.
Jason: “Jerry plays a variety of resonator and slide guitars, and Maura O’Connell guests on vocals.”
Jeff: Oh, so THAT’S who that is.
Jason: I will bet you $100 that is not Maura O’Connell.
Jeff: “Maura O’Connell has had a tracheostomy.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I guess it could be a girl. Your mother sounds like this when she first gets up in the morning, after her first cigarette.
Jeff: Hold on, I’m laughing.
Jason: You know she does.
Jeff: deep sigh
Jason: She’s all like “ARRRRRGH! GIVE ME MY MEDICATIONS!” ‘Cause your mom takes medications.
Jeff: Did you let the bottle of Kahlua on the nightstand run out? She gets dry throat without her Kahlua. Also, my mom plays a mean dobro.
Jason: She threw the Kahlua bottle at the door last night. Shattered into a thousand pieces. Just because I wouldn’t let her get a second Big Mac. And when you say your mom plays a mean dobro, is “dobro” code for something else?
Jeff: No, but “carpenter” is. Wakka wakka wakka!
Jason: I don’t get it.
Jeff: Works…with wood…Goddamn, you’re stupid.
Jason: Oh! I get it now! cough
Jeff: This is what I get for making sex jokes with a virgin.
Jason: Any day now, I’m going to get to second base. I know it. Until then, I’d like to recommend this album to our readers. It’s actually quite beautiful.
Jeff: And it has a clever title! JERRY Christmas! Do you get THAT, you thick fuck?
Jason: I did, but I was hoping against hope it was a Jerry Lewis album.
Jason: To go with my Jim Nabors album.
Jeff: “Hey, lady! Merry Christmas, lady!”
Jason: You know Jerry Douglas is touring behind this album, right?
Jeff: Is he opening for Kenny Rogers on his umpteenth holiday tour? I bet you’d go see that.
Jason: I would not, unless Lionel was going to be there. Do you know who’s joining him on the tour? Other than your mom, listed in the program as “batting cleanup”?
Jeff: Tom Waits?
Jeff: Get out!
Jason: I’m serious!
Jeff: Way to go, little guy! I bet Jerry Douglas will let Oates sing more than one song.
Jason: And do you know why Oates is touring with Jerry Douglas?
Jeff: Because he finally got fed up with Daryl Hall?
Jason: Could be. I actually don’t know why. It was a genuine question. I thought Oates was sitting around waiting for Icehouse to reunite.
Jeff: I’ve always thought Oates thought of music as his hobby, actually. I think he thinks his real job is counting his money and mountain biking. Or perhaps conditioning his luxurious hair.
Jason: That’s a great job. Biking and counting your money? I do at least one of those.
Jeff: So I’m glad he’s out there performing, no matter who it’s with. I’d like to see Oates with everyone, really.
Jason: I’m sure it’ll be a nice tour. Jerry Douglas is the man.
Jeff: John Oates with the surviving Doors! John Oates with Van Halen!
Jason: We should totally arrange a Mellowmas tour! All the artists can get together and make our ears bleed!
Jeff: John Oates with Black Sabbath!
Jason: Wing & Oates! Every artist would have to add “& Oates” to their name.
Jeff: That “& Oates” thing is a killer idea for Oates’ next solo album. John Oates, standing on Christopher Cross’ shoulders so he can put a star on top of the tree!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Cross gnawing at his sneaker, wondering if it’s edible!
Jeff: “SNEAKER SMELL LIKE CHALUPA!”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! For our new readers, we have a thing about linking Christopher Cross to Taco Bell products.
Jeff: I wish we had enough clout to arrange for an album of Oates singing backup with other singers.
Jason: Dude, we don’t even have enough clout to arrange to talk to Oates. We interviewed his mustache.
Jeff: We could call it Listen Carefully, Daryl. And then we’d release an entire album of Daryl vamping at the end of “Wait for Me.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! What were we talking about in the first place? Jerry Douglas? Tom Waits?
Jason: Cookie Monster?
Jeff: Whatever. I’m sure it wasn’t important anyway. Want a sugar cookie and some eggnog?
Jason: Yeah, hang on. Let me just get your mother out the door.