And on the second day of Mellowmas, the good Lord gave unto us a second-rate Gibb, sounding much like a baby lamb…except a baby lamb is cute.
Robin Gibb — Silent Night (download)
Jason: Not a bad opening. Some tapping on guitar.
Jeff: No, it’s kind of pretty.
Jason: Wait, what?
Jeff: Ahhhhhhh! Who slowed down Robin’s vocal?
Jason: Is he using some kind of vocoder or something? Or is someone doing rapid karate chops on his neck?
Jeff: Is this Robin Gibb’s way of showing off?
Jason: Jesus, no wonder Barry always took the lead!
Jeff: Oh, you know what this probably is?
Jason: What’s that?
Jeff: I think Robin’s getting a massage. He was like, “Fuck it, the 50 people who buy my solo shit will buy this no matter what I do.”
Jason: Oh, really? I thought it was the Yule Goat.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! No, that’s Stevie Nicks in a Santa hat!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Dude, compared to this, Stevie Nicks sounds like she can actually hold a note.
Jeff: Man, this is one depressing version of “Silent Night.”
Jason: I feel like this would be beautiful, minus the vocal.
Jeff: Robin sounds like he’s looking at the floor the whole time.
Jason: And shaking.
Jeff: I picture him with his hands in his pockets in the vocal booth. “Silent night, I guess…”
Jason: I’d have to look it up, but I’d guess this was done without any Barry involvement.
Jeff: Shit, Barry probably threatened him with violence when he heard this.
Jason: Oh no! Kids! These poor kids! They’re going to go home and ask for a cup of milk or something and sound like they’re bleating. They’re getting the wrong impression of what singing is supposed to be.
Jeff: I don’t think those are kids. I think those are old tapes of Andy. Doesn’t every new Bee Gees-related product have to include old Andy vocals?
Jason: Don’t bring up Andy Gibb, damn you. This is Christmas. Listening to this shit is bad enough without having to be reminded of stupid Andy Gibb. Actually, it makes sense that Andy would be here — all that Christmas snow. ZING! I make a joke because Andy Gibb really liked cocaine!
Jason: Hey, notice how the further we get into this track, the further Robin’s vocal seems to fade in the mix.
Jeff: I am noticing Robin fade into the mix, actually. Wise decision on the engineer’s part. I wonder if singing next to Barry all those years has left Robin with enough hearing loss that the engineer wanted to see what he could get away with.
Jason: What do you think the general response was when Robin was like, “I want to record a solo Christmas album.” Because I can think of at least two things wrong with that statement.
Jeff: I don’t know, but listening to it makes me sad that the Bee Gees never recorded one. Imagine how awesome it could have been?
Jason: Oh, a Bee Gees Christmas album would have been amazing.
Jeff: A Bee Gees Christmas. In, like, 1976. Oh my God. Fuck you, Robin.
Jason: It would have been like that disco Christmas album we reviewed two years ago. Except with awesome vocals.
Jeff: Yes, exactly.
Jason: The Bee Gees must have recorded a Christmas song. I can’t imagine them not jumping on that bandwagon. Say what you want about the Gibbs, they knew how to make money.
Jeff: I’m looking.
Jason: Found it!
Jeff: I just saw that!
Jason: It looks like it’s newer, but still.
Jeff: Holy shit! Here’s the one I’m looking at, which has the best Photoshopped cover ever.
Jason: Wait, what are these songs? “Town Of Tuxley Toymaker”? Whoa whoa whoa. Look at Track #7. “First of May.” They covered Jonathan Coulton’s song??
Jeff: I want to hear “X-mas Day of Halloween (Part).” Also, “Seasons (No Hat Moon).” And look! Andy Gibb! Ha ha ha!
Jason: “Silent Night (With all Gibbs wifes and children)”
Jeff: “In the Bleak Mis Winter”
Jason: Hi there, I’m Gibbs wifes. Baaaaaaaaaa!
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Doesn’t Robin have some kind of weird swingers’ ball of a marriage?
Jason: Ugh! I don’t know!
Jeff: I think he and his wife and some other woman live in his castle.
Jason: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW
Jeff: Ah, here we are: “On November 4 2008, at the private Portland Hospital in London, Robin and Dwina’s housekeeper, 33 year old Claire Yang, gave birth to Robin’s child, Snow Evelyn Robin Juliet Gibb. Friends report Dwina feeling furious and betrayed.” Hee hee hee! Snow Evelyn Robin Juliet Gibb!
Jeff: He fucking named his daughter after himself! That’s so awesome.
Jason: I love the “Friends report…” part.
Jeff: Also awesome? Going from Dwina Gibb to Claire Yang.
Jason: Too bad we couldn’t have someone with the name of Dwina Yang.
Jeff: Robin Gibb’s love life sounds like a fucked-up game of Mad Libs.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: I think Wing‘s real name is Dwina Yang.
Jason: I Dwina Yang at least twice a day.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! According to Robin’s Wikipedia entry, My Favourite Christmas Carols has charted nowhere in the world. sad horn
Jason: I’m shocked.
Jeff: His last album, 2002’s Magnet, was a #10 hit in Germany. And you know what a tough crowd those people are.
Jason: There’s a Hasselhoff reference here, isn’t there.
Jeff: I’m not saying anything. I’m just saying.
Jason: Well, I can safely file this song into the “holiday songs I shall never need hear again” category.
Jeff: Here’s something else you never need to hear again. “At first, Dwina was happy for Robin to sow his oats because it allowed her to stay committed to her Brahmin beliefs, but she never expected him to actually plant his seed, as it were. When the truth came out, Dwina was furious. The couple’s lifestyle is unconventional even by the unorthodox morals of rock stars, with Gibb confessing in a radio interview in 1995 to having threesomes and ‘cruising’ for sex. Friends say that Dwina, a bisexual former druid priestess, had previously given her blessing to her husband’s eight-year affair with Miss Yang but now feels ‘betrayed’.”
Jason: Oh no. A BISEXUAL FORMER DRUID PRIESTESS?
Jeff: Yeah, I don’t even know what to say. Whatcha doin’ on your back?
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You should be bleating! Yeahhhh!
Jeff: Has a Mellowmas song ever kicked up this much disturbing imagery?
Jason: Oh, I’m sure.
Jeff: I mean…wow. I feel like it would take a Nazi carol to make me feel dirtier than I feel right now.
Jason: I mean, we can definitely say this is the first Mellowmas song that’s somehow tied to a bisexual former druid priestess, unless you count Jim Nabors.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!