The Sixteenth Day of Mellowmas: Boyleful, Not Triumphant

Jeff: So, Jason. Christmas music.

Jason: I feel like however I respond to this is going to be the wrong response, but okay. Yes. Christmas music.

Jeff: I’m sitting here thinking about how much Christmas music has changed in the years since we started doing this Mellowmas thing. Remember when you only saw a handful of holiday releases every year?

Jason: *sigh* I do remember. It was something to be excited about. Back when Air Supply released their Christmas album. Love is all, Jeff.

Jeff: These days, it seems like every damn artist has to have one. Even artists who aren’t dried up like Air Supply!

Jason: I will kill you dead, you son of a bitch.

Jeff: MAJOR artists be releasing Christmas albums, Jason. MULTIPLE Christmas albums, even. We’re talking artists who sell MOTHER-IN-LAW type units.

Jason: Yes, this is true. EVERYBODY is releasing a Christmas album.

Buble!
Groban!
Celine!

Jeff: You’re totally on the right track here.

Jason: Ed Chabot feat Martin Jagodensky!

Jeff: No, turn back! Think of artists who can afford the very best.

Jason: Well, there goes my thought of it being Benny Mardones.

Jeff: Artists whose particular blend of glossy production and gloopy, lowest-common-denominator mawkish sentiment ensure years and years of platinum sales. Artists who might not even think twice about plundering a dead superstar’s vaults in order to “record” a “duet.”

Jason: Oh no.

It can’t be.

You mean…

Jeff: *leans forward expectantly*

Jason: ….Susan Boyle?

Jeff: YES! Susan goddamn Boyle!

Jason: OH GOD NOT SUSAN BOYLE

Didn’t she JUST release a Christmas album? With “Don’t Dream It’s Over” inexplicably on it?

Jeff: Yes, just a Mellowmas or two ago! It was dreadful. And now she’s back.

For her latest trick, she’s collaborated with Elvis Presley from beyond the grave.

Jason: WHY IS SHE BACK

Jeff: “O Come All Ye Faithful,” Jason. Joyful and triumphant and dead.

Jason: I feel dirty. It’s so WRONG.

Jeff: Is this worse than the time Kenny G shit all over Louis Armstrong? I wonder. We’ll have to listen to Susan and Elvis first to decide, I guess.

Jason: I was going to question why we’d do something so tasteless, but then I remembered MELLOWMAS.

Jeff: Yeah, it’s drenched in Mellowmas spirit, at least in terms of the concept. Let’s sample the goods, shall we?

Jason: Ugh fine.

Jeff: I hope that’s David Foster on the piano.

Jason: That’s definitely newly recorded piano.

Jeff: Newly recorded Susan, too!

Jason: Where’s Elvis?

Jeff: Hi, Elvis!

Jason: Oh, there he is. Wow, this is terribly mixed!

Jeff: This is amazing.

Jason: SHUT UP KIDS

Jeff: This is just one insanely greedy corpsefuck.

Jason: You can hear the hiss all over his vocal!

Jeff: And WOW, is that production gross.

Jason: Or maybe that’s the hiss of all his fans, who are fucking disgusted right now.

OH JESUS CHRIST

Jeff: Every note is offensive, Jason. Glory to Mellowmas, glory in the highest. Nothing about this went right, from the first idea to the final note.

Jason: Everybody who was involved with this track has blood on their hands.

Jeff: “Susan, I have a great idea. For your second holiday album in less than five years, let’s have you duet with Elvis!”

“Isn’t he still dead?”

“No big deal. We’ll just take these master tapes here…”

“But we can only get like 45 seconds of Elvis out of these.”

“No problem. We’ll just call a kids’ choir and every goddamn musician we can find in the neighboring six counties, and stuff them all into a song that’s less than three minutes long. Elvis would have wanted it this way.”

Jason: *cha-ching*

Oh man, the people behind this were so smart. They made it a charity track.

Jeff: Gross. What’s the charity?

Jason: Proceeds go to Save The Children.

Jeff: Too late! They were already forced to sing on this shitty song!

Jason: Basically, if you hate this song, you don’t want to save the children. You want to kill the children.

Jeff: Can we start a new charity called Save the Children from Susan Boyle?

Jason: I feel like Susan Boyle and these kids were never, ever in the same studio together. I am pretty sure Susan Boyle does what she’s told.

Jeff: Part of me would like to believe Susan Boyle didn’t even know she’d be singing with Elvis until the album came out.

Jason: I think that’s entirely possible.

Jeff: But then there’s another, angrier part of me that just wants to blame someone famous for this travesty, and she makes a convenient scapegoat, so now I just want to sit in the dark and watch her fucking up on that one talk show from a few years back.

Jason: I forgot about that!

Jeff: CHOKE PRE-EMPTIVELY ON YOUR HUBRIS, SUSAN

Jason: Well, either way, I feel disgusting. How about you?

Jeff: Oh, absolutely. Although I kind of do want someone to make a velvet painting out of the image on that YouTube video.

Jason: Better that imagery than the “official” video. Lots of photos of kids who need to be saved.

Jeff: I would like to see it framed on your bedroom wall. Can someone please make that happen this Mellowmas?

Jason: READERS DON’T

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?