Jason: So today’s track is from a David Foster Christmas album.
Jeff: Isn’t that perfect?
Jason: Anybody want to take a guess who suggested it?
Jeff: Ken! Ken Shane!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No, you fucknut! Terje! Terje Fjelde! The man behind Into the Ear of Madness, the weekly Foster-obessive series on Popdose!
Jeff: Oh riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! That dude!
Jason: I have no idea what to do with the “j’ in his last name, do you?
Jeff: You mean how to pronounce it?
Jason: I guess it’s a “y” sound?
Jeff: When I say it out loud, I pronounce it “Curtis Armstrong.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Okay, so Terje sends us an e-mail, and he says: “It’s an All-Star rendition of ‘White Christmas’ from David Foster’s 1993 Christmas album, with what no doubt is the most soulful delivery of the line ‘sleighbells in the snow’ in the history of recorded music.
“With: Natalie Cole, Roberta Flack, Peabo Bryson, BeBe and CeCe Winans, Celine Dion (in French), Tom Jones, Vanessa Williams, Michael Crawford, Tammy Wynette, Johnny Mathis and Wynonna.”
Jason: And I looked on my hard drive, and it was already there. But what I can’t figure out is: how did I miss it before?
Jeff: Willpower? Luck? All of the above? What an incredible lineup.
Jason: Define “incredible.”
Jeff: “With tons of miserable potential.”
Jason: That’s what I thought you meant. Let’s go!
David Foster — White Christmas (download)
From The Christmas Album Amazon
Jason: Oh, those keyboards. That’s David Foster, all right.
Jeff: I’m in middle school all over again.
Jason: So I guess this is Natalie Cole. Sounds like Natalie Cole.
Jeff: Have I ever told you how much I fucking loathe Natalie Cole?
Jason: You have. I believe we attempted to do a Mellowmas track of hers last year, but it didn’t make the cut.
Jeff: Oh boy. Is that Peabo?
Jason: It ain’t Roberta Flack! I’m not going to recognize another voice until Tom Jones, I know it.
Jeff: Do you feel seasick?
Jason: I feel like David Foster is sucking the soul out of all the artists, and us as well.
Jeff: Oh, there’s Celine. Singing in FRENCH, the bitch.
Jason: I wish she sang in German.
Jeff: Go back to your own country!
Jason: Hey, don’t be a dick! Terje is foreign!
Jeff: This song is synthtastic!
Jason: Hey, there’s Tom Jones! How did he get involved? Wait, I bet the answer is in an “Into the Ear of Madness” post somewhere.
Jeff: There are SO MANY SYNTHS.
Jason: Which “sleighbells in the snow” line was the most soulful one? I think I was busy shoving cotton into my ears the first time around.
Jeff: I don’t know, I can’t think straight.
Jason: It’s like a “Voices That Care” Christmas carol.
Jeff: There’s too much going on here, and all of it sucks.
Jason: I hate it.
Jason: That was Bolton?
Jeff: Was it?
Jason: Shit! Two Bolton appearances this year?
Jeff: Wasn’t it? I don’t know.
Jason: I don’t know either. I don’t know anything anymore. Oh man, now they’re all riffing and shit. Rein ’em in, Foster! These bitches work for YOU!
Jeff: I do know that David Foster thinks that 64 synth tracks plus some overdubbing equals holiday spirit.
Jason: Hey, fuck you, buddy! Do you have hits like David Foster? I didn’t THINK so!
Jeff: Diane Warren? Is that you?
Jason: It’s called “pop music” because it’s “popular”! Isn’t that what he’s been talking about this month while promoting his new book?
Jeff: I also know that if I’m ever hosting a holiday party and I want everyone to go home, I’m playing this.
I wonder if this song turns into “After the Love Is Gone” when you play it backwards.
Jason: Hey! Where the hell is Cetera? How did he get out of this? Doesn’t Foster own his soul?
Jeff: I think he was probably busy writing a check for half his assets to his ex-wife at the time.
Jason: Do you think Jason Scheff was knocking on the studio door?
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: “Peter, uh, can’t make it. Can I come in?” This is great. Now I’m picturing Jason Scheff suffocating Peter Cetera. This is actually the nicest thing I’ve thought about all Mellowmas.
Jeff: That’s a nice metaphor for Jason Scheff’s career, actually. “Peter isn’t here. Mind if I, uh, sing?”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha h!
Jeff: “You may know me from such hits as ‘Sounds Like That Other Chicago Song’ and ‘Same Damn Ballad All Over Again’.”
Jason: Well, that song’s over.
Jeff: wipes hands, hard drive
Jason: That was pretty terrible. Syrupy, schmaltzy, exactly what I expected, yet I’m still upset by it. Thanks a lot, Ken.
Jeff: There’s a Mellowmas continuum, you know? At one end is “Oh my God, that was actually pleasant.” In the middle is Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. At the other end is “That hurt to listen to.”
Jason: Where does this fall for you? I’m somewhere between the middle and end.
Jeff: I think this track was closer to the “hurts to listen to” end.
Jason: Before or after Singing Saw?
Jason: I’m just asking.
Jeff: I don’t want to think about it.
Jason: Fair enough.
Jeff: Which I guess means that I like this song better than the Singing Saw.
Jason: Well, thanks, Terje, you’ve infected us all with Foster yet again.
Jeff: The Ear of Madness claims two more victims.