Every year, the two of us listen to dozens of awful holiday tracks for Mellowmas, frantically downloading and sending them back and forth to each other (along with a fury of expletives). With so many songs at our disposal, it’s inevitable that a song will fall through the cracks and surprise us both. Here’s this year’s Mellowmas failure, though we’ll be more than happy if you disagree.
Lady Gaga Featuring Space Cowboy — Christmas Tree (download)
Available as a single from 
Jeff: Oh, wow.
Jason: Um, Jeff? I have bad news. Sad news, even. I can barely say it out loud.
Jeff: I’ll say it for both of us. This is AWESOME.
Jason: Wait…you like it too?
Jeff: This is like a technicolor Mellowmas nightmare.
Jason: I actually really like it!
Jeff: Light me up, put me on top, let’s fa la la la la la la! Ho ho ho under the mistletoe!
Jason: We will take off our clothes if you want us to, we will!
Jeff: Oh, shit! I’m totally giving this to Leah’s grandmother!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: This is outstanding. I only wish Bing Crosby could hear it. Did she just say “take off my stockings — here, I’m spreading Christmas cheer”?
Jason: I don’t know. I just figured out what the guy was saying a second ago: “Light you up, put you on top, let’s fa la la la la la la la la.” I thought he was saying “Light you up, but you are topless, fa la la la la la la la la.” I like my version better.
Jeff: Cherry cherry, boom boom!
Jason: …And it’s already over!
Jeff: WOW.
Jason: Damn, that was quick!
Jeff: Hey, she said what she had to say.
Jason: So seriously, what did you think?
Jeff: I love it! It’s ridiculous!
Jason: Because a friend gave it to me last year, and I didn’t give it much of a listen, but this year, for some reason, I love it.
Jeff: Last year? Really? I thought this came out in March. Which made me love the idea of it, certainly.
Jason: It was released on iTunes in March, but it must have come out earlier, because I know I got it for Christmas last year.
Jeff: I don’t have a problem with Lady Gaga, because I don’t listen to the radio. I’ve never heard “Poker Face” in its entirety. Never heard “Bad Romance.” Never heard anything from her first album, actually.
Jason: I really wasn’t on Team Gaga until I saw her on Saturday Night Live. She won me over. I was impressed with her piano skills, and she effectively worked the crowd, which is a very hard thing to do on SNL.
Jeff: I just reviewed her new EP-ish thing, and I liked it.
Jason: She seems to have a good sense of humor, which I also like. And that’s evidenced on this track.
Jeff: Yeah, absolutely. And she can write a solid hook, too. So Lady Gaga is this year’s Paul Carrack, then?
Jason: Oh my God, I think so. She’s our Mellowmas failure of 2009.
Jeff: Has Lady Gaga been tempted by the fruit of another?
Jason: Har har har! sad horn
Jeff: I was just seized with the urge to hear Paul Carrack covering “Poker Face.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Oh, that would be so cool. Paul Carrack, if you’re listening, cover “Poker Face” immediately.
Jason: Paul Carrack, if you’re listening, throw something at Timothy B. Schmit. Everyone compares Lady Gaga with Madonna. Do you think she’ll have that kind of longevity? I’m doubting it.
Jeff: I think Lady Gaga is a lot more fun than Madonna. Longevity? I don’t know.
Jason: Hard to say in 2009 terms.
Jeff: Yeah, I mean, if she gets to make four albums and they all sell relatively well, then that’s the modern equivalent of Madonna’s longevity.
Jason: Good point.
Jeff: She can get a head start by adopting an African baby. And divorcing Guy Ritchie. Or Sean Penn. That dude is back on the market.
Jason: I still think “Light you up, but you are topless, fa la la la la la la la la” is better than anything she actually wrote. Like, I was going to light you up, but you have no top on. So we’ll just sing.
Jeff: I can’t find anything wrong with this song at all. I want to listen to it all year.
Jason: That’s quite a relief to me. I was so scared that I was going to have to admit to you that I liked it, and you were going to mock me all Mellowmas for it.
Jeff: Now we’ll both get mocked. I gave Lady Gaga’s latest three and a half stars, and that drunken cracker Jeff Vrabel has been giving me shit about it for weeks.
Jason: That guy can barely write with punctuation. Don’t take him seriously.
Jeff: Whenever he isn’t passed out next to the jukebox at his local Waffle House, that is.
Jason: I’m looking forward to reading people’s opinions on this track. I’m sure some people are going to hate it. And seriously, I listened to it last year, and gave it one star in iTunes. This year, it gets four. So while I’m glad you re-sent it to me and I listened, this TOTALLY SCREWS UP MY ENTIRE CHRISTMAS RATING SYSTEM.
Jeff: It’s a Mellowmas miracle!
Jason: What if there are other one-star songs in iTunes that deserve more?
Jeff: You’ll have to listen to everything again!
Jason: Do you know how many one-star holiday songs I have in iTunes right now? Take a guess.
Jeff: How many tracks does Everyone Sings Carols with Wing have?
Jason: 10, and they’re all on there. Go ahead, guess.
Jeff: 45?
Jason: 483 songs, Jeff. That includes the entirety of the Dan Fogelberg Christmas album, the Captain and Tennille Christmas album, The Singing Saw at Christmas Time…
Jeff: 482 one-star songs?!?
Jason: That’s right. That’s just holiday stuff.
Jeff: No wonder you’ve been in such a bad mood all year. Well, I’m glad we finally got to listen to something awesome, even if it was accidentally. It gets bonus points for being borderline pornographic.
Jason: Me too. I think I’m just going to have to be comfortable with all those one-star songs in iTunes. Thank you for sending me Lady Gaga, Jeff. It was a thoughtful present. Even though you hadn’t listened to it before you sent it.
Jeff: You’re welcome, Jason. Merry Mellowmas.
Jason: More like Merry Mellowmas Failure.
Jeff: A Christmas song with performers named Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy? Who needs to listen first?
Jason: Sorry, everybody. Hopefully all the other tracks will be crap. Or maybe you think this one is crap. If so, we’ve probably redeemed the day a little.
Jeff: Either way, I’m listening to this for the rest of the day. Pa rum pa pum pum.
Jason: Cherry cherry, boom boom!
Tags: Captain & Tennille, Dan Fogelberg, Jason Hare, Jeff Giles, Lady GaGa, Mellowmas, Paul Carrack, Singing Saw, Space Cowboy, Timothy B. Schmit, Wing
