Here’s an oldie but a goodie from way, way back in 2007 — the first year we took Mellowmas to its current bloated 25-day length. Partly because we were exhausted and partly because we love torturing him, we left that year’s final day to Jeff Vrabel, who’d made the mistake of whining about Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time” in public. He hasn’t done it since — read on to find out why. —Jeff
Happy Mellowmas, everyone!
Today, we celebrate many, many things. We celebrate Christmas, but we also celebrate the official Final Day Of Mellowmas 2007. We celebrate the fact that you made it through. We celebrate the fact that we made it through. Forgive us, but we’re getting a little teary-eyed here. Oh, Mellowmas, why do you have to end?
We don’t have anything as magical as last year’s complete presentation of Starland Vocal Band: Christmas At Home. (However, all those tracks are still active, should you want to re-live such a “special” moment.) What we do have for today is something that truly celebrates the Mellowmas spirit.
And what is the Mellowmas spirit, you might ask? Well, chances are you pretty much know by now, but in case you’re not sure, we’ll tell you. The Mellowmas spirit is taking awful, awful holiday music and sharing it with the ones you truly care about. Taking the misery you’ve received – from the ringing in your ears to the indigestion in your gut – and making sure someone else is feeling the exact same way.
Today, we truly exploit someone’s hatred of a song.
“Wonderful Christmastime.” Paul McCartney & Wings. Everybody has an opinion. Jeff hates it. I like it. For me, for some inexplicable reason, it scratches an itch for me. It’s so bad, it feels good. I’m guessing I’m in the minority here; most people despise this song. It’s one of the dumbest Paul’s ever released, and God knows that’s saying a lot. However, if you think you hate it, you clearly haven’t heard from our good friend Jeff Vrabel.
Vrabel, as we shall call him from now on so as not to confuse him with Giles, is a lot of things: a dad, a Springsteen fanatic, and a graphic designer. But most importantly (to us, anyway; he probably holds the “dad” thing in higher regard), he is one of the funniest writers on the face of the planet. If you’re not reading him already in your local newspaper, you should be reading his website daily; he’s one of the only writers that truly makes us laugh out loud constantly.
Also: Vrabel really hates “Wonderful Christmastime.” Really, really hates “Wonderful Christmastime.” Witness his column on November 9th, where he states:
Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime”…is the single worst song ever written in the history of the human experience, and frankly, just bringing it up is sort of making me want to drive to the nearest parking lot and start punching widows.
What emotion! What passion! What a chance for us to totally exploit his irritation! Which, as we stated previously, is what Mellowmas is all about. Jeff, after reading Vrabel’s column, knew just what to do: Namely, get in touch with our old buddy Ted Asregadoo, noted DJ to the stars, and ask him if he could whip up an extra, extra long remix of “Wonderful Christmastime.” Ted, good friend (and evil, evil bastard) that he is, was only too happy to oblige. Hence “Wonderful Christmas Hell,” which we dare say is a brand new holiday classic along the lines of…well, along the lines of anything we’ve listened to all Mellowmas, certainly, and that’s saying a whole lot.
Vrabel could have just ignored this creation. Hell, Jeff sent him the entire Captain & Tennille Christmas album, and we still don’t have any confirmation that he ever listened to it. But instead, Vrabel took his lumps like a man, and listened to “Wonderful Christmas Hell.” All 9:53 of it.
And, dear readers, if you’ve made it this far, don’t you think you owe it to yourself to take a listen, too? Share it with your loved ones this Christmas day. And when they ask you why someone would have the horrible idea to put this mix together and share it with the entire Internet, along with over 30 other abysmal steaming piles of crap, you can quote Bono from “Do They Know It’s Christmas” and tell them: tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you.
Listen in, won’t you, as Jeff Vrabel goes through his own personal lake of fire and brimstone and liveblogs “Wonderful Christmas Hell.” Feel free to liveblog along and post it in the comments. Today is a day for giving. We’re taking Christmas off and letting Vrabel – and you – run the show.
Merry Christmas, everyone! Thanks for joining us on this treacherous journey. You can bet we’ll do it again next year!
Paul McCartney, Ted Asregadoo And Friends – Wonderful Christmas Hell (download or stream below)
0:09: Aw. Anyone want any cider? I love Christmas. And friends and family and mistletoe and stockings and stuff. Hey, what’s with the synth here? Wait, is … is this JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST ON A HOT SPICED CRACKER IT’S “WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME.” KILL ME! KILL ME WITH MY SHOELACES! I HATE YOU, JESUS!
1:28: I will have this fucking song in my head for four days. Dozens will be killed.
1:39: I don’t even care what this new song is, it’s like a temporary break in the waterboarding, except that … wait … it’s …. JESUS TAP DANCING EVEN MORE VIOLENTLY CHRIST IT’S A MIDI VERSION OF “WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME?” WHY DOES GOD HATE ME? WHY?
2:22: I can’t hear what this guy is saying. It sounds like “The Ghost of Tom Joad,” except that it’s … SON OF A WHORE, HOW MANY VERSIONS OF THIS SONG ARE THERE? I AM FILLED WITH A RIGHTEOUS AND ALL-CONSUMING RAGE!
3:04: Son, get Daddy’s rifle.
3:24: If you’re quiet, you can hear the engineers laughing in the booth.
4:06: I can’t help but notice this song is still going on.
4:25: Oh good. More blinking piano. Wonder what this could be.
4:40: Son, get Daddy’s Drambuie.
4:45: Oh good, it’s Oasis doing “Wonderful Christmatime.” Which is good, because it had been like three months since I’d been annoyed by Oasis.
5:20: Right now on CNN they’re talking about how the China-painted Thomas the Tank Engine toys are toxic, and I’m trying to figure out how many I could eat in the next four minutes. Probably, like six, at least.
6:00: I now understand why people get depressed at Christmas.
6:16: What is this, Wham!?
6:42: Yeah, it’s probably Wham!.
6:51: I am sending Ted several boxes full of piping hot ranch dressing as soon as this is over.
7:20: Oh good, Paul’s back.
7:40: SWEET JUMPING MERCY, THERE’S TWO PAULS.
7:50: This is the first time that I’ve laughed during this, for a reason other than shoving aside the hideous terror.
8:14: You bastard.
8:23: Son, get Daddy’s heroin.
8:45: I hope Paul gets fleeced in the divorce. I believe you, Heather! I believe you!
Once again, thanks to Terje Fjelde for his wonderful Mellowmas designs!